Part 7 (1/2)

WHEN I WAS STUDYING ZEN with Tim McCarthy, Buddhist morality was definitely talked about but there was never any question of me or anyone receiving the Buddhist precepts from Tim. Tim just wasn't into that kind of ceremonial stuff. When I got to j.a.pan and started studying Buddhism with Nis.h.i.+jima, I gradually became aware that a lot of his students were taking the precepts ceremony and that he already had a few ”Dharma heirs”-people to whom he'd given transmission. I noticed that lots of people showed up at his lectures wearing a thing called a rakusu rakusu. This is a little garment deal that looks kind of like a bib: a square of cloth, usually brown or gray or black, that you hang around your neck. On the back of the cloth square your teacher writes a short phrase usually from a Buddhist sutra and your ”Dharma name”-a new name which is given to you when you take the precepts ceremony. All of that stuff has always seemed really lame to me.

I've always held disdain for people who join spooky mystical religious orders and then change their names and start wearing goofy orange dresses and all kinds of other weird affectations. My buddy Terry of the Cleveland Hare Krishna temple is a good example of what happens to that sort of person.

But everybody loves getting a nickname. Nicknames are fun. Though it wasn't the coolest name, I was pretty pleased when the guys in Zero Defex started calling me Brad No Sweat. I would have preferred something more along the lines of the punk names my friends Johnny Phlegm and Fraser Suicyde got, but it was good enough. I rarely used that name, though, because, well, I hated the whole idea of using fake names. Taking on a fake name is a way of signaling members.h.i.+p in a group. And I was not not a ”joiner.” a ”joiner.”

I was always disgusted whenever I saw the people in Nis.h.i.+jima's group proudly showing off their new rakusus. It made the whole organization look like a cult. Uniforms are things you wear when you get a job at Burger King. What's a rakusu, really, other than a fancy kind of name-tag: ”Welcome to Buddhism! My name's Brainwashed Twit!” So when people in Nis.h.i.+jima's group used to say to me, ”You ought to take the precepts,” I felt like I was in one of those bad horror movies where everybody's gradually being taken over by the aliens and I am the only human being left in town-Pod People coming at me from every direction: ”Join us! Join us!” ”Join us! Join us!” It creeped me out. It creeped me out.

ALL OF THIS STUFF with Nis.h.i.+jima wanting me to join his cult and become an Authority Figure within it happened to coincide with my grandfather being diagnosed with cancer. He was already eighty-one years old and the doctors felt that surgery at that age might kill him faster than the disease which seemed to be progressing extremely slowly. At one point he was sent to the hospital for observation and I decided I'd better go and visit him rather than wait until it was too late.

Plus, the visit would give me a chance to stop by Tim's place and talk to him about this whole Dharma Transmission deal. Tim was still in Kent which was four hours' drive from where my grandpa was, down in Cincinnati. I arranged to arrive in Cleveland, spend a few days in Kent, and then head for Cincinnati. Grandpa, my aunt and my grandmother said, was doing pretty well under the circ.u.mstances and there was no reason to hurry. When I spoke to Grandpa on the phone he sounded strong and even told me it was a waste of money to come all the way to America just to see him.

My grandmother, my aunt, and the doctors were wrong. Grandpa died suddenly just hours after I arrived in the country. I found out when the friend I'd arranged to stay with got a frantic call from my dad while I was out visiting Tim's place. Several hours later when I finally got the message, I was devastated. After that, talking to Tim about Dharma Transmission didn't seem so important anymore.

I LOVED MY GRANDFATHER DEARLY. He was a true friend and always supportive of whatever I did in my life. I'd worried about his reaction when I was telling him about my moving to j.a.pan-because he'd joined the navy in World War II in order to fight those people. But he was fine with that and he was pleased when I brought home a j.a.panese wife for him to meet. It was tough to lose him.

Since I come from a long line of agnostics we had no family pastor to call on to perform the funeral. My grandmother ended up finding some random religious guy in the phone book. He seemed sincere enough-but he'd never met my grandfather. We talked with him briefly a couple hours before the funeral was set to begin and he asked the family members if they would say a few words at the service. My dad and I volunteered, hoping others would follow suit. But no one did. My dad made it through his bit very well, I thought. Knowing Grandpa's love of humor I prepared a joke as part of my speech. I said that I'd come out from j.a.pan to visit my grandpa, not to attend his funeral. In fact, I said, Grandpa had told me in our last phone conversation that if he did die soon, I was not to waste my money coming to his funeral. But, I said, since I was already in town and had nothing else to do that morning, I thought I'd drop by.

I wasn't sure how everyone would take the joke (a funeral parlor's a tough room to work), but I got a laugh so I guess the speech went over pretty well. Afterward my grandmother took me aside and asked, ”Do you think there's any way he could know we're all here and we're all thinking of him?” Without thinking about the question I surprised myself by honestly saying, ”Yes. I do. Absolutely.”

I've often wondered where that answer came from. It was spontaneous. It wasn't based on any particular belief I held-in fact it went against a lot of them-but I wasn't just being kind. Grandpa was was there in any and every sense that really mattered. Not as a ghost hanging out in the corner checking up on things, but as a real partic.i.p.ant in the living events of that afternoon. Shunryu Suzuki once said, ”You will always exist in the universe in one form or another.” Even without holding any ideas about reincarnation or the afterlife or spirits, I saw right now that Suzuki's words were true. there in any and every sense that really mattered. Not as a ghost hanging out in the corner checking up on things, but as a real partic.i.p.ant in the living events of that afternoon. Shunryu Suzuki once said, ”You will always exist in the universe in one form or another.” Even without holding any ideas about reincarnation or the afterlife or spirits, I saw right now that Suzuki's words were true.

SOMETIME DURING MY TRIP I decided to accept Dharma Transmission from Nis.h.i.+jima and to get on with doing what needed to be done. h.e.l.l, as long as there were going to be Authority Figures in the world, I might as well be one of them. When I got back home I got in touch with Nis.h.i.+jima and asked him what arrangements needed to be made. He set a date, and that was that.

The precepts ceremony was fairly unremarkable, and not as bad as I had feared. Yuka decided to take the precepts too, as did a friend of ours named Eric who was stationed in j.a.pan serving, the U.S. Navy. Nis.h.i.+jima got dressed up in some silly-looking official-type precept-giving robes. An altar was set up and there was some incense-lighting, some bowing, a bit of chanting, and at the end of it, all three of us got rakusus with our new Buddhist names written on the back.6 Mine, as I mentioned earlier, was Odo, which means ”The Way of Answers.” And like my Krishna buddy Terry, it was chosen partly because it sounds a little like ”Warner”-that is, if you're an eighty-two-year-old j.a.panese Zen master it does. By the way, Nis.h.i.+jima's Dharma name, Gudo Mine, as I mentioned earlier, was Odo, which means ”The Way of Answers.” And like my Krishna buddy Terry, it was chosen partly because it sounds a little like ”Warner”-that is, if you're an eighty-two-year-old j.a.panese Zen master it does. By the way, Nis.h.i.+jima's Dharma name, Gudo, means ”The Way of Stupidity.” Really. means ”The Way of Stupidity.” Really.

Next up was the biggie, the Dharma Transmission ceremony (imagine monster truck racingcavernous echo here). For this, I had to get myself a kesa kesa, the traditional robe worn by Buddhist monks since Gautama Buddha's time. Zen monks in j.a.pan normally wear two main garments. One is a big black robe and over the top of this is a thing that looks kind of like a sash. It's usually mustard-colored or brown, though I've seen purple too. The sash thingy is the kesa. In India, where its considerably hotter than j.a.pan, the kesa was the monk's only garment.

Traditionally you're supposed to sew your own kesa, and your supposed to do it from discarded sc.r.a.ps of cloth from burial shrouds as well as diapers and sanitary napkins. Some people still sew them themselves, but I don't think even they go so far as to use shrouds, diapers, and sanitary napkins. When I asked Nis.h.i.+jima for his recommendation he said, ”You can sew it if you want to. I bought mine in a store.” I've never even sewn a b.u.t.ton on a s.h.i.+rt, so I found a shop and bought a kesa (the cotton was new, by the way).

The other thing I needed was a certificate of transmission for Nis.h.i.+jima to sign and stamp with his seal. This I had to make for myself.

I was to take a big piece of silk and write down the names of all the people who ever received the transmission in Nis.h.i.+jima's lineage starting from Gautama Buddha all the way through Nis.h.i.+jima's teacher and Nis.h.i.+jima himself and then adding my own name-or rather the new phony Buddhist name I'd received at the previous ceremony-at the end. Though he told me I could write the names in roman letters, I elected to write them in Chinese characters. I liked the challenge of it and besides, he showed me a photocopy of one of his other foreign student's transmission certificate and it looked dorky written in roman letters. I ruined two pieces of silk, and finally, after messing up the names of two of my Dharma ancestors, I asked Nis.h.i.+jima if I could use Wite-Out to correct the mistakes rather than toss away another piece of silk. ”Sure,” he said without hesitation. to correct the mistakes rather than toss away another piece of silk. ”Sure,” he said without hesitation.

The details of the ceremony itself are supposed to be secret. I guess they're worried that if they get out, unlicensed people might start transmitting each other w.i.l.l.ynilly and then who knows who knows what kind of h.e.l.l would break loose. So, in fairness to everyone who's been keeping mum about it for the past dozen centuries, I won't go into the details here. But you're not missing much. what kind of h.e.l.l would break loose. So, in fairness to everyone who's been keeping mum about it for the past dozen centuries, I won't go into the details here. But you're not missing much.

Traditionally it's supposed to take place after midnight. But Nis.h.i.+jima doesn't like to stay up that late, so the fun began at 8:30 in the evening. I pretty much got every single step in the ceremony completely wrong. My kesa kept sliding off my shoulder, I kept putting the little mat-thingy you're supposed to kneel down on the wrong way around, I nearly klonked heads with Nis.h.i.+jima when we were bowing to each other-pure comedy.

But I got through it and Nis.h.i.+jima gave me my certificate back with all the necessary seals on it-and, badda bing, badda boom badda bing, badda boom, I'm a certified Zen master.

LET ME TELL YOU THIS THOUGH: No one masters Zen. Ever. It's a lifelong, never-ending continuously unfolding process. Zen master Zen master is a horribly misleading term. is a horribly misleading term.

Could we dispense with Zen masters? Certainly. Could we dispense with the Dharma Transmission ceremony altogether? Sure. And we could dispense with the word Buddhism Buddhism too. Personally, I'd like to get rid of all of them. Ultimately, none of it has anything to do with what matters. too. Personally, I'd like to get rid of all of them. Ultimately, none of it has anything to do with what matters.

Gautama Buddha was able to see through the facade of religious organizations and must certainly have realized that his simple method of meditation ran a serious risk of being turned into something cheap and shoddy by a.s.sociation with such nonsense. In fact he predicted his own order's eventual demise. Yet he went ahead and established an order of monks, and one of nuns, anyhow. He knew it was the best way to transmit what he had found to future generations. It worked, too-for all the cheap gaudiness that surrounds much of what pa.s.ses for ”Buddhism” today, Buddhism works. Real Buddhism still makes it through the inst.i.tutional Buddhist muck, like a flower blooming out of a cow-pie.

No matter how many dumb-a.s.ses there are running around with shaved heads and robes who wouldn't know enlightenment from a poke in the eye with a sharp stick, there are some people within Buddhism who know exactly exactly what it was Gautama Buddha was trying to teach. And these people, these real Buddhist teachers, also know better than to believe in the inst.i.tutional facade referred to as ”Buddhism.” And they know this precisely because of the social organization known as Buddhism. Neat, eh? what it was Gautama Buddha was trying to teach. And these people, these real Buddhist teachers, also know better than to believe in the inst.i.tutional facade referred to as ”Buddhism.” And they know this precisely because of the social organization known as Buddhism. Neat, eh?

Any good Zen Buddhist teacher will tell you right up front that the whole Zen Buddhist shebang, from robes to enlightenment to Dharma Transmission, is really a sham, ultimately not important in the least. And that's that's what makes Zen Buddhism different from every other religion. As Johnny Rotten said in what makes Zen Buddhism different from every other religion. As Johnny Rotten said in MOJO MOJO magazine, ”It isn't a rip-off if you tell everybody it's a rip-off.” Authority is easily abused. But authority can do good. It takes power to make the real changes needed in the world. A good person who is good at dealing with power can make the world a better place for everyone. magazine, ”It isn't a rip-off if you tell everybody it's a rip-off.” Authority is easily abused. But authority can do good. It takes power to make the real changes needed in the world. A good person who is good at dealing with power can make the world a better place for everyone.

Buddhism, though, should go beyond that. Buddhism is about letting people know they do not need to follow any authority. If you think you need an authority figure, go somewhere else.

The tendency to look at Buddhist teachers as Authorities is tough to avoid. I noticed my teachers were different from me in some vague way I couldn't really understand, and so I gave them Authority. But, G.o.d bless 'em, they always tossed it right back to me. That's what any good Buddhist teacher does. That's the easiest way to tell the real teachers from the phonies: a phony will take your authority and a real teacher will give it back.

There are times I've felt I could do certain people some good if only if only I could get them to see me as some kind of authority-but that kind of att.i.tude isn't right. A faith-healer makes people believe he has a special power to cure their sickness and if they believe that strongly enough, they may be able to transcend their own inability to see that they themselves have the power to affect their own cure. The problem is that they then attribute their miraculous healing to the faith-healer instead of to themselves thereby depriving themselves of the power that was already theirs to begin with. I could get them to see me as some kind of authority-but that kind of att.i.tude isn't right. A faith-healer makes people believe he has a special power to cure their sickness and if they believe that strongly enough, they may be able to transcend their own inability to see that they themselves have the power to affect their own cure. The problem is that they then attribute their miraculous healing to the faith-healer instead of to themselves thereby depriving themselves of the power that was already theirs to begin with.

Ultimately it's always better to make people see how they can heal themselves. That's what real Buddhism does. Real Buddhist teachers don't tell you about reality, they teach you to see see reality for yourself, right now. reality for yourself, right now.

THERE WAS AN OLD ZEN MASTER in China who would wake up each morning and shout, ”Master!” and then answer himself, ”Yes, Master?” Then he'd say, ”Don't be deceived, Master!” and then reply, ”No, Master, I won't!”

That's true understanding of authority.

”Pa.s.s ME the the ECSTASY, RAINBOW, I'M GOING TO NIRVANA ON STRETCHER!” ECSTASY, RAINBOW, I'M GOING TO NIRVANA ON STRETCHER!”

Can you hear that, dude? That's my skull! I'm so wasted!

JEFF SPICOLI (PLAYED BY SEAN PENN).

IN FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH.

ENJOYING A HEIGHTENED STATE OF AWARENESS.

UNTIL RECENTLY I was naive enough to believe that the idiotic notion that taking drugs was somehow a legitimate path toward Buddhist enlightenment had gone out of fas.h.i.+on long ago-about the time The Velvet Underground recorded their final alb.u.m and the last Star Trek Star Trek episode aired with Captain Kirk on the bridge. But when I was in America visiting my parents in July 2002, I was deeply disappointed to find a putrid little book called episode aired with Captain Kirk on the bridge. But when I was in America visiting my parents in July 2002, I was deeply disappointed to find a putrid little book called Zig Zag Zen Zig Zag Zen edited by Allan Hunt Badiner taking up a big hunk of shelf s.p.a.ce allotted to Buddhism in the local Supermarket 'n' Bookstore. edited by Allan Hunt Badiner taking up a big hunk of shelf s.p.a.ce allotted to Buddhism in the local Supermarket 'n' Bookstore.

I picked up that lump of t.u.r.d and read it. Near as I can come to making any sense out of it, Badiner's argument goes something like this: (A) Buddhism is about enlightenment; (B) enlightenment is some far-out, trippy mystical brain-f.u.c.k kind of state; (C) drugs will screw up your brain too; therefore (D) doing drugs will get you enlightened. And besides that, it's much easier to score a hit of acid than it is to sit around staring at walls for years (plus, when you're on acid the blank walls look so much more far out, man so much more far out, man).

Badiner believes that we must must address the issue of how Buddhism and drugs are related because lots of Westerners who went on to become Buddhist masters-like me, for example-used drugs in their early years (as did lots of people who went on to become career criminals-but let's leave that aside). According to Badiner, these Buddhist masters' youthful drug abuse is ”Western Buddhism's deep, dark secret.” Most Buddhist teachers who've used drugs in the past have gone on to say that they are dangerous at worst and a waste of time at best-and in any case certainly unrelated to Buddhism. Yet, Badiner believes, the enlightenment those guys found in Buddhism was the same whacked-out state of mind they got from dope. address the issue of how Buddhism and drugs are related because lots of Westerners who went on to become Buddhist masters-like me, for example-used drugs in their early years (as did lots of people who went on to become career criminals-but let's leave that aside). According to Badiner, these Buddhist masters' youthful drug abuse is ”Western Buddhism's deep, dark secret.” Most Buddhist teachers who've used drugs in the past have gone on to say that they are dangerous at worst and a waste of time at best-and in any case certainly unrelated to Buddhism. Yet, Badiner believes, the enlightenment those guys found in Buddhism was the same whacked-out state of mind they got from dope.

In fact, drugs occupy exactly the same place in Western Buddhism as Gautama Buddha's early experiments with severe asceticism. Before he discovered the Middle Way, Gautama tried all kinds of weird-a.s.s stuff to attain enlightenment, including starving himself nearly to death. He saw that although ascetic practices could give him that same tripped-out feeling you can get when doing some really primo s.h.i.+t, none of that got him any closer to understanding the truth or stopping suffering. He gave it up and spent the rest of his career putting those practices down.

A number of Zig Zag Zen Zig Zag Zen's contributors point out that various sects that claim to be Buddhist use techniques such as physical exhaustion, food and sleep deprivation, and various kinds of mental gymnastics to achieve changes in brain chemistry similar to the ones you get from the stuff you can buy from the sleazebags slouching around down by the nine-year-old girls at the playground. True enough. But those practices are not Buddhism, no matter how venerable and traditional the guys hawking them appear to be. It's a sad fact that far too many of those who claim to be Buddha's followers indulge in the sort of practices the Buddha himself clearly and unambiguously condemned.