Part 39 (1/2)

I went to the door and asked for ticket-holder number thirty-two. A small man with a briefcase walked with me up to Kenneth's table. His knees became quite weak by the time he arrived but he managed to contain himself well.

'Name?'

'Mr Toves from Text Grand Central, Your Eminence.'

'Reason?'

'I need to ask for more exemptions from the ”I before E except after C” rule.'

'More?'

'It's part of the upgrade to UltraWord, Your Honour.'

'Very well, go ahead.'

'Feisty.'

'Approved.'

'Feigned.'

'Approved.'

'Weighty.'

'Approved.'

'Believe.'

' Not Not approved.' approved.'

'Reigate.'

'Approved.'

'That's it for the moment,' said the small man, pa.s.sing his papers across for Kenneth to sign.

'It is the Judgement of Solomon,' said Kenneth slowly, 'that these words be exempt from Rule 7b of the arbitrary spelling code as ratified by the Council of Genres.'

He stamped the paper and the small man scurried off.

'What's next?'

But I was thinking. Although I had been told to ignore the three witches, their premonition about the 'I before E except after C' rule had just come true. In fact, the 'blinded dog' had had barked, the 'hedge-pig' barked, the 'hedge-pig' had had ironed, and Mrs Pa.s.ser-by ironed, and Mrs Pa.s.ser-by had had cried ' 'Tis time, 'tis time!' Was there something in it? Did they really think I was to be the Bellman? And what was that about the 'thrice read rule'? cried ' 'Tis time, 'tis time!' Was there something in it? Did they really think I was to be the Bellman? And what was that about the 'thrice read rule'?

'I'm a busy man,' said Kenneth, glaring at me. 'I don't need day dreamers!'

'I'm sorry,' I began, 'I was thinking of something the three witches told me.'

'Charlatans!' announced Kenneth. 'And worse the compet.i.tion compet.i.tion. If you see them again, try to pinch their mailing list, won't you? In the meantime, can we have the next customer?'

I ushered them in. It was several characters from Wuthering Heights Wuthering Heights and they were all glaring at one another so much they didn't even recognise me. Heathcliff was wearing dark gla.s.ses and saying nothing; he was accompanied by his agent and a lawyer. and they were all glaring at one another so much they didn't even recognise me. Heathcliff was wearing dark gla.s.ses and saying nothing; he was accompanied by his agent and a lawyer.

'Proceed!'

' Wuthering Heights Wuthering Heights first-person narrative dispute,' said the lawyer, placing a sheet of paper on the table. first-person narrative dispute,' said the lawyer, placing a sheet of paper on the table.

'Let me see,' said Kenneth slowly, studying the report. 'Mr Lockwood, Catherine Earnshaw, Heathcliff, Nelly Dean, Isabella and Catherine Linton. Are you all here?'

They nodded their heads. Heathclif looked over his sungla.s.ses at me and winked.

'Well,' murmured Kenneth at length, 'you all believe that you should have the first-person narrative, is that it?'

'No, Your Wors.h.i.+pfulness,' said Nelly Dean, ' 'tis the otherways. None of us want it. It's a curse to any honest Generic and some not not so honest.' so honest.'

'Hold your tongue, serving girl!' yelled Heathcliff.

'Murderer!'

'Say that again!'

'You heard me!'

And they all started to yell at one another until Kenneth banged his gavel on the desk and they were all instantly quiet. The Judgement of Solomon was the last form of arbitration; there was no appeal from here and they all knew it. was the last form of arbitration; there was no appeal from here and they all knew it.

'It is the Judgement of Solomon that ... you should that ... you should all all have the first-person narrative.' have the first-person narrative.'

'What?!' yelled Mr Lockwood. 'What kind of loopy idea is that? How can we all be the first person?'

'It is fair and just,' replied Kenneth, placing his fingertips together and staring at them all serenely.

'What will we do?' asked Catherine sarcastically. 'Talk at the same time?'

'No,' replied Kenneth. 'Mr Lockwood, you will introduce the story and you, Nelly, will tell the major part of it in deep retrospection; the others will have their say in the following ratios.'

He scribbled on the back of an envelope, signed it and handed it over. They all grumbled for a bit, Nelly Dean the most.

'Mrs Dean,' said Kenneth, 'you are, for better or worse, the single linking factor for all the families.

Consider yourself lucky I did not give the whole book to you. It is the Judgement of Solomon now go!' now go!'

And they all filed out, Nelly complaining bitterly while Heathcliff strode ahead, ignoring all the others.

'That was quite good,' I said as soon as they had left.

'Do you think so?' asked Kenneth, genuinely pleased by my praise. 'Judgementing is not for everyone but I quite like it. The trick is to be scrupulously fair and just you could do with a few Solomon franchises in the Outland. Tell me, do you think Lola will be going to the Bookie awards next week?'