Part 38 (1/2)

Love couldn't hurt like this. It shouldn't hurt like this. Love was supposed to be goodand sweet and pure*

Like Arabella.

And in loving Arabella*well, it was not an admission that Justin made either easily or gracefully. He had fought it for much of his life.

But he could fight it no longer.

Yet the knowledge did not make his heartache easier to bear.

Indeed, it only made it all the harder.

Twenty-three.

”Madame,” Ames announced, ”a caller for you.”

From her seat on the settee, Arabella glanced up. ”For me?”

Her pulse was suddenly wild and erratic. Was it Justin? A dozen feelings rushed at her from all sides.

Hope*fear*everything in between. Her heart lurched as a tall figure strode into the drawing room.

It wasn't Justin, but Sebastian.

She could have wept. Two days had gone by since the awful scene here in this very room. As soon as Justin departed that night, Arabella had excused herself and gone upstairs. She had been too numb to feel anything but her own pain. Certainly not his.

But upstairs, in the bed where she'd spent so many nights before, sleep eluded her. It felt* wrong somehow. The bed felt*empty. In the morning, she wavered between indignation and misery, hurt and yearning.

But now*Her gaze flitted to the tea service on the tray at her knees. ”Would you like tea?”

Sebastian declined.

Arabella bit her lip. ”You've seen Justin, haven't you?” The question spilled out before she could stop it.

”Yesterday,” he affirmed.

Her hands fluttered back to her lap. ”Did he ask you to come here?” Before he could say a word, she came to her own conclusion. ”No, of course not. He's too stubborn. Too proud.”

Sebastian smiled slightly. ”I see you know him well.”

”How is he?” The question almost burned her tongue. She didn't want to know, she told herself wildly. But she had to.

Sebastian hiked a black brow. ”Must you ask?”

”Oh,” she said weakly. ”Foxed, I take it.”

”If it's any comfort, I don't think it's helping.” He watched her for a moment. ”He doesn't know I'm here, Arabella. And I haven't come to plead his case, if that's what you're thinking. I'm not here to try to convince you to return to him.”

”Then why are you?”

”I don't really know,” he answered honestly. ”But now that I am, I should like to tell you something. So please, Arabella, hear me out, if you will.” He paused. ”It's strange,” he said musingly, ”but all morning, my mind has been consumed with an incident that occurred long, long ago. I can't get it out of my mind and*well, frankly, that's why I'm here, I suppose.”

Arabella regarded him curiously. ”What is it?”

”We were at Thurston Hall,” he went on. ”Justin was perhaps eight or nine, no more, if memory serves me correctly. One afternoon, Justin failed to return to the schoolroom. Soon everyone was searching for him, frantic as the hours pa.s.sed. But no one could find him, until at last my father spied him sitting in the branches of a tree in the orchard, watching as everyone dashed madly about for hours. He shouted for him to come down. And I'm not sure that Justin would have, but then he fell. His wrist was c.o.c.ked at an odd angle - I knew it was broken. I ran over, for my father was in a rage such as I'd never seen before.”

Arabella had gone very quiet inside. She suddenly recalled how Justin had pointed out that very tree*

”My father*he was not a gentle man, Arabella. He had no compa.s.sion for Justin's pain. The physician was summoned. I could tell it hurt like the very blazes - and Justin but a boy! But he didn't make a sound when the physician set the break. I recall telling him it was all right to cry. But Justin merely gazed at my father and vowed most insistently that he would not cry, that he would never cry. Oh, and my father wanted him to, I could see it in his eyes! But Justin never did,” Sebastian finished. ”Not then. Not ever.”

He looked at her then. ”That's odd, don't you think? For a child to never, ever cry?”

Arabella's throat constricted. Etched in her mind was a vision of Justin as a child, lying helpless and hurt while his father raged*And to think she had laughingly chided him about his clumsiness that day!

Her mind whirling, she went very still inside. For she was remembering something else, too, a memory that suddenly battered her. She cringed inside, recalling how Justin had stood in this very room a scant two days earlier, a telltale rustiness in his voice, an unfamiliar sheen in his eyes*She cringed inside. What was it she'd told him?

Don't say any more. And don't look at me like that!

She gave a tiny shake of her head and looked at Sebastian. ”How do you know he didn't?”

”Because I know my brother,” Sebastian replied. He seemed to hesitate. ”Arabella, our childhood was not particularly pleasant -”

”I know,” she said quickly. ”Justin told me.” She didn't tell him about the night their father had died, how Justin blamed himself. Justin had revealed it in confidence, and she would not betray that confidence.

But Sebastian was speaking again. ”Julianna has no memory of our mother. She was too young when she left. That's a blessing, I believe. But Justin*” He shook his head. ”I've always thought it was hardest on Justin. He needed a mother, and she wasn't there. It changed him, I think. And he's spent his life believing what he thought everyone else believed, that he was wild and rebellious and defiant. And the world believes it, too, that he is a man without scruples, without morals. But Julianna and I have always been aware that's not what he is, not really. I think you know, too, that he's not what he pretends to be.”

Arabella did. G.o.d, how she did!

”He's been walking in shadow his whole life, wandering, searching for something he didn't even know he wanted. But I think he found it in you, Arabella. He's different with you. It's like he's stepped into a ray of sunlight.” He gave a tiny shake of his head.

”Don't send him back into the shadows, Arabella. Please don't. I know I said I wouldn't interfere. But you and Justin belong together. Devon knew it even before I did. But this rift between you and Justin*it's beyond my power to repair, or I would.”

He paused. ”Please,” he said softly, ”just go see him. Before you decide anything, just - just go see him. I believe you'll find him in Kent. He told me he had some unfinished business at the house there.”

She peered at him blankly. ”What house?””The country house in Kent. He bought it just a few days ago.”Stunned, Arabella merely gazed at him.”You didn't know, did you?”Arabella took a breath. ”He never said a word -” She broke off. Was that the news he'd wanted to tell her? Guilt washed through her. Oh, merciful Lord. Gideon had arrived, and then - then she hadn't even given him the chance.

Through a haze she saw Sebastian rise to his feet. ”I must be off. Devon is expecting me.” Arabella saw him to the door, then returned to the drawing room. Her tea sat before her, cold and untouched.

There was a painful catch in the region of her heart. Sebastian's visit was a stark reminder of all Justin had endured as a child - his mother's abandonment, his father's censure. Arabella had the awful sensation it was surely far worse than Justin had let on, than Sebastian even knew. The night Justin had told her of his nightmare, she had guessed that Justin loved his father, loved him despite all the hurt his father had inflicted upon him. She had no trouble envisioning Justin as the proud, stubborn little boy Sebastian spoke of, for he was just such a man. If he was hurt, he wouldn't show it.

Yet he had begged her to return home with him. He'd begged her, with tears in his eyes*Tears from the boy who never cried.And she had turned her back on him.Suddenly she was crying, too, silent tears that slid unheeded down her cheeks.It was then she realized*the walls he'd built around himself were not meant to keep others out - to keep her out! - but to defend his heart, to s.h.i.+eld himself against further pain.She had failed him, failed him most cruelly!Why had he wed her? she wondered achingly. If he'd wanted to coldly seduce her, he could have. If he'd persisted, she wouldn't nave resisted.