Part 2 (1/2)

”Right, go to B Company.”

My rifle platoon consisted of sixteen blokes. We'd been told that when we got to the battalion, they would get hold of us for ”continuation training”-indoctrination into their special way of doing things. But 2RGJ was snowed under with commitments; they were all over the Rock, on ceremonial and border duties. Everybody was too busy to give the five of us any attention, and our first couple of weeks were spent just b.u.mming around.

” went into the main street the morning after I arrived.

As far as the eye could see, there was nothing but shops full of cheap watches and carpets from Morocco, most of them run by Asian or Arab traders. I bought my mum a peac.o.c.k carpet for a fiver, with a pair of flip-flops bunged in. I thought, This is wonderful; I've only been here a couple of days and already I'm cutting majorleague deals down the kasbah.

Full of enthusiasm after my year of training, I was raring to go.

I thought the posting was brilliant: We were in the Mediterranean; there were beaches; there was sun. It was the first time I'd ever been abroad, apart from my day trips to France, and I was getting paid for it. So the att.i.tude of some of the other blokes came as a bit of a surprise. Some of the old hands seemed so negative; everything was ”s.h.i.+t” and ”for f.u.c.k's sake.” Or, very mysteriously, it would be ”I'm just going to do some business,” and off they'd go. It took me awhile to find out what they were doing.

The majority of teenagers who joined the army had been exposed to some illegal substances. It was part of the culture, and they took that culture in with them when they joined. I had never been interested in drugs myself, mainly because I hated smoking and had never been exposed to them. I'd heard all the terms but didn't exactly know what was what.

And now when I did get exposed to the drug business, it scared me; it was something totally alien.

Drugs, I was told, had always been a bit of a problem.

Once, when the battalion came back from an overseas exercise, a fleet of coaches had turned up at two-thirty in the morning. It was the local police, come to raid the battalion as a matter of course.

They didn't find any illegal substances on this occasion, but they did find an officer who was engaged in an activity that was even more naughty in the eyes of military law. He was in bed with a corporal from the mortar platoon.

We seemed to have the culture of the seventies but the army of the fifties. It felt as if I were living in one of the black-and-white movies I sometimes used to watch on a Sat.u.r.day afternoon. Each morning we had to drink a mugful of ”screech,” the old army word for powdered lime juice. The colonel must have been reading a book about Captain Cook and thought it would stop us from getting scurvy. I heard about an officer who joined the Irish Guards. The adjutant pulled him to one side and said, ”As a young subaltern, these are the rules. One, never wear a brown suit. Two, always call the underground the underground and not the tube. Three, never travel on a red bus. Four, always wear a hat and have an umbrella, and five, never carry a brown paper parcel.”

Nothing about how to approach the soldiers he was going to have under his command.

Gibraltar in the summertime was packed with tourists, and because we were doing all the ceremonial stuff, we were G.o.d's gift to a pretty girl who liked a uniform.

That was my theory anyway, and I set off one afternoon for the main street, wearing civvies and in my own mind very much our man in Gibraltar. I found a place called the Capri bar, with plastic palm trees inside and semicircular booths with tables. All very dark and sophisticated, I thought. To be as suave as the surroundings demanded, I ordered a Southern Comfort and lemonade, a very international drink at the time.

As I sat there listening to songs by the Stylistics and the Chi-Lites, I could see now and again blokes that I recognized from the battalion walking past, looking at me through the window.

The fellow who owned the bar was a Brit. He came over to join me for a chat. He had perfect, graying hair that had been sprayed and looked to be in his forties but probably still thought he was seventeen. He was wearing a blue jumper with a big red star.

”h.e.l.lo,” he said, sliding into the booth next to me.

”What, are you in the navy?”

”No, I'm with the battalion up the road.”

”Just got here?”

”Yeah.”

It was all rather nice. We chatted away, and then this Chinese woman came in. She was absolutely stunning.

Flared trousers, high heels, and my boy was off in raptures. She sat and joined us.

”You in the navy?”

”No, I'm with the battalion.”

After a drink or two she moved over a place, and I thought, I've cracked it, it must be the sight of my drink, a woman like this was bound to feel comfortable in the company of an international jet-setter. More people were coming in, and the bar started filling up. The jukebox started playing slow Donny Osmond numbers.

I was slowly getting p.i.s.sed, and I didn't really pay that much attention when my new friend said, ”Call me Pierre.”

To me, Pierre was a French blokes name. I hadn't realized it was also a Chinese woman's. Then, very, very slowly, I started to get the picture.

I looked around and realized that everybody in the bar was a bloke. I looked again at Pierre-and the awful truth sank in.

”Just going to the toilet,” I said, disentangling her hand from my thigh.

I did a runner, haunted by the faces of all the blokes I'd seen looking at me through the windows. I was going around for days afterward laughing manically and saying, ”They do the best Spanish omelet in Gibraltar down the Capri. It's full of dodgy character's, of course, but it's worth it for the food.”

The battalion were coming back to England in November and heading more or less straightaway for South Armagh. I would be too young to go with them immediately; you had to be eighteen, because years before there had been too many seventeen-year-olds getting shot. It was bad PR, so they'd upped the age limit. I'd have to wait until after my birthday.

We went to Lydd and Hythe for infantry buildup training. We spent a lot of time on the M.U.F (marksmans.h.i.+p under fire) range and were trained in all the different scenarios we were likely to meet.

”We are going to be based in South Armagh-bandit country,” said our company commander, ”and B Company are going to Crossmaglen, a town that makes the rest of bandit country look like Camberwick Green.”

We were issued with street maps and told to ”learn” South Armagh.

There was a shooting during the buildup training, and for the first time I started to read more of the newspaper than the TV page.

Toward the end of the training we were issued with an optic sight for our weapons. I'd never seen this bit of kit before, but I knew that it existed. That was it; I thought I was the international sniper.

In the infantry at that time all the clothing was incredibly basic. We had a uniform, but no effective waterproofs or warm clothing. If you wanted stuff like that, you had to buy your own. The most exotic item we were given to help us through the rigors ahead was a pair of thick arctic socks.

I was eighteen years old. I'd already been in the army for coming up to two years, but this was 'my first operational tour. Everything was great. The way I looked at it was I was having a good experience, I was with the battalion, I thought I was hard as f.u.c.k, and I'd have enough money to buy a car and show Christine a good time when I got back.

Crossmaglen, a cattle market town known to us as XMG, was right on the border. This meant the players could prepare in Dundalk on the other side, then pop over and shoot at us. There was a big square in the center, with a number of small buildings with metal railings in front to hold the livestock. It was overlooked by Baruki sangar, which was less than a hundred meters away from the security forces base that we lived in.

Named after a paratrooper called Baruki who got blown up, the sangar was a big corrugated iron and steel structure. Inside were three GPMGs (general purpose machine guns), an M79 grenade launcher, smoke dischargers, radios, and, most important, flasks of tea and sandwiches, because we were up there forever. There was one electric heater. Stag duty in the sangar was incredibly cold and very, very boring. It had to be manned by two of us all the time. To get to it, there used to be this mad dash. The two men on duty in the sangar would man the guns; we'd go out and run down the road; the two we were replacing would get out and run back.

I was in Baruki sangar one day with a lance cor oral p called Bob, short for Billy One b.o.l.l.o.c.k, I never knew where the nickname came from because he looked as if he were complete. A foot patrol came out of the base, and after the usual pound of running feet, all I could hear was ”click, click, click.” What the h.e.l.l is that? I wondered, and looked out of the side hole. Standing nearby was the smartest man alive, posing in front of a camera for the battalion magazine.

”That's Johnny Two-Combs,” Bob said. ”Comes from the Midlands, loves football. Plays for the battalion. Looks good, doesn't he?”

Indeed he did. No one wore rank in XMG, and everyone normally looked like a bag of s.h.i.+t, wet, cold, and covered in mud. But this guy was wearing corporal's stripes, and his uniform was immaculate. He was about five feet ten inches, with blue eyes and perfect teeth, and not a single blond hair out of place.

”He was playing in an army cup match, and the battalion started throwing combs'onto the pitch,” Bob went on. ”He picked one up and used it, asked if he was looking good, then carried on. I think he scored the winning goal.”

I watched as Johnny carried on posing, winning the war on his own for the camera. ”The thing is,” Bob said, ”he is really switched on.

You're looking at a future RSM there.”

The rifle company lived in ”submarines” in the security forces base, long corridors three beds high but without lockers. Where you were, that was your s.p.a.ce: You put your kit on your bed or under the bottom bed. I shared an area with Reggie, a corporal and my patrol commander, and Gar, a newly married rifleman who kept his photo alb.u.m under his pillow.

Reggie was twenty-five and rati the company seven-aside rugby team. He was tall and well built; his ”egs were so large he walked like a bodybuilder. He had black, curly hair and the world's biggest a.r.s.e and bad breath that he was forever making excuses about.

Gar was aged about twenty. If he hadn't been in the army, he would have been a male model. He was very fit and had a perfect body.