Vol 1 Chapter 7 (1/2)

CHAPTER 7

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In his right hand, he held an apple pie that he’d bought at a patisserie, and in his left he toted a plastic grocery bag laden with cooking ingredients.

Yokozawa’s steps were slower than usual along this path he was now well familiar with, weighted down as he was with hesitation and apprehension. He hadn’t trudged this slowly towards a destination since the morning after he’d run away from home following a fight with his parents.

“…I guess this was kind of like running away from home, too, huh…”

Yokozawa had returned that evening to his completely empty apartment. While he’d been a bit concerned about Sorata, he hardly had the nerve to just swan in like nothing had happened after blowing up at Kiris.h.i.+ma like that. And anyways, Sorata was better off being looked after by Hiyori than by Yokozawa in his rough state. The cat was rather attuned to humans’ emotions and wouldn’t come near Yokozawa when he was in a mood. He supposed cats didn’t like a tense atmosphere any more than humans.

He’d holed himself up for a full day in his apartment without trying to make any contact—and of course no contact came from Kiris.h.i.+ma’s end either. Yokozawa was disgusted with himself for futilely hoping in some corner of his heart that he’d get a phone call—when he’d been the one to lose his temper and go on about never wanting to see Kiris.h.i.+ma again.

Since having Kiris.h.i.+ma turn his back on him, Yokozawa had been plagued with feelings of regret. It had been nothing more than a simple outburst of unwarranted anger.

If he’d been in Kiris.h.i.+ma’s place, he never would have gone out of his way to give someone that sort of advice. It was hardly his place to get involved in other people’s love lives, and at best was nothing more than a waste of time. He knew quite well, also, that Kiris.h.i.+ma typically avoided such bothersome efforts.

But for him to chase after Yokozawa and purposefully point out everything Yokozawa had wanted to cover up…he had clearly done it all just for Yokozawa’s sake.

He still couldn’t fathom just why this guy was going to such lengths to concern himself with Yokozawa—but he did understand…that Kiris.h.i.+ma had never put anything less than his full effort into it.

He’d been forcefully jerked into Kiris.h.i.+ma’s territory and had his rhythm completely shattered, but in truth…he had never once disliked it. The reason Yokozawa had been able to get through these past few weeks without sinking into black despair and hiding himself away when left alone…was all thanks to Kiris.h.i.+ma.

“………”

Standing at the front gates, he took a deep breath.

Maybe he’d run out of patience with Yokozawa now; maybe he’d never be able to earn forgiveness for how utterly ungrateful he’d been for what Kiris.h.i.+ma had done for him. Regardless, apologizing properly was the very least he could do. More so, he could hardly leave Sorata with them forever, and he wanted to at least thank Hiyori for her part.

“…I just don’t know when to give up, do I?”

But of course, the foremost reason he’d come here…was because he wanted to see Kiris.h.i.+ma.

The entire previous day, his head had been swimming with thoughts of Kiris.h.i.+ma. Why did I say that to him…? Not for the first time, he found himself regretting his words and actions and hating his inability to be honest with others.

Strangely enough…he hadn’t thought of Takano once. Maybe he’d finally been able to restore his feelings to some semblance of order after talking two days before. While his feelings of loving the man had hardly disappeared, he could firmly admit that they lived on in him as a part of his past.

“…Okay.”

Just as he finally steeled himself to push the intercom b.u.t.ton, though—the door opened from the inside, and out dashed Hiyori. “….!”

“Ah! Oniichan! Welcome home!” Her grin stretched across her whole face, and Yokozawa felt a pain in his chest. Her innocence reminded him of how very small he was. He’d been just as open and honest as she was when he was younger—when had his personality become so difficult to deal with?

“…I’m back.”

“Did you not have work today?” He’d tried to think up an excuse for his recent absence, but it seemed Kiris.h.i.+ma had pa.s.sed it off as his just having work to do.

“Oh—no. Are you headed out somewhere?”

“Yup! Going off to play with Yuki-chan!” If he recalled correctly, that was a friend of hers in the same apartment complex.

“Then—here, take this with you.”

“What is it?”

“An apple pie. That’s the whole thing—so you can cut it up and share it with your friends.” He’d brought it as part of his apology. Kiris.h.i.+ma hardly ever ate sweet things, so he figured it was better to just give it to Hiyori to eat with her friends.

“Yaaay! Thank you, Oniichan! I love apple pie!!”

“Hold off until snacktime, though, all right? Oh—what are you doing for lunch?” He’d brought enough ingredients for all three of them, but if things turned sour, he intended to just prepare something for Hiyori and head back home.

“Yuki-chan’s mama is cooking something! Is that for us…?”

“Oh—no, this is for dinner.” Hiyori was a sharp one, but he didn’t want her worrying over him, so he glossed over it easily.

At this, Hiyori’s expression brightened. “So that means we can all have dinner together tonight! I’ll hurry back soon and help you get ready!”

Unfortunately, whether or not they’d be eating together tonight weighed heavily on how his talk with Kiris.h.i.+ma went. It was a tall order to hope for forgiveness—but there was no need to let Hiyori know that.

“Don’t worry about it—I’ll call you when it’s ready, so go have fun. You’re cooped up in here all the time watching Sorata, so go and spread your little wings for a change. Friends are important, you know!”

“Gotcha! Then I’ll wait for your call!”

“Be careful.”

Hiyori stepped past the gate and looked about to dash off—but before doing so, she stopped and let out a small ah!, turning back to Yokozawa. “That reminds me! Oniichan, I have a favor to ask…”

“What is it?”

“Papa hasn’t been feeling well since Friday night, it seems. Could you maybe try and talk to him?”

“Eh…?” His heart thudded heavy in his chest at the words Friday night—the day when Yokozawa had said all those horrible things to Kiris.h.i.+ma.

“He won’t tell me what happened… He spills his coffee and breaks plates, but keeps telling me it’s nothing. Grandma says that maybe it’s something he can’t really talk about because I’m a girl—so I thought, maybe Papa would be able to talk to you more easily.”

“…Yeah, maybe. I dunno if I’ll be much help, but I’ll see what I can do.” With the way Hiyori was staring up at him with hope plain in her eyes, there was no way he could let her know that the reason her father was in shambles was likely all his fault.

She seemed relieved knowing that Yokozawa was on the job, though. “I know you’ll do fine! Please take care of him!”

“Got it.”

“Bye~”

After seeing her down the hallway, Yokozawa stepped back into the apartment. As he secured the lock on the front door, Sorata padded out to greet him. He slinked along lazily like he’d been living here for ages before jumping up onto the small sofa and curling up for a nap.

“Guess that’s your spot now, huh?” Sorata let Yokozawa’s words float by, pretending to sleep soundly—but his ears still twitched in response.

After a bit of searching, he found Kiris.h.i.+ma out on his bedroom’s veranda, a beer in one hand despite the sun still s.h.i.+ning high in the sky.

“…Drunk before noon? Hardly appropriate.”

Kiris.h.i.+ma didn’t even turn around before replying. “…What the h.e.l.l are you doing here? I thought you never wanted to see me again.” He’d probably sensed it was Yokozawa from the moment he entered.

It was the first time he’d been forced to stare at Kiris.h.i.+ma’s back like this. Not being able to see someone’s face was the same as being unable to read their emotions.

Facing that stiffened back, Yokozawa drew himself up despite his hesitation and bit out his apology: “…Sorry about the other day.”

“For what?”

“For what—?” He felt his ire rising at the way Kiris.h.i.+ma asked a question he very well knew the answer to already—but reminded himself he was in no position to begrudge Kiris.h.i.+ma given that he was the one seeking forgiveness. If he truly intended to apologize, he needed to face the things he didn’t want to head on, without flinching. “…I completely blew up at you. That time…it was just like you said; I overreacted because everything you said was true.”

“I see.”

Yokozawa’s shoulders slumped at the brusque response. It seemed a single, simple apology wasn’t going to be enough to repair their shattered relations.h.i.+p. “…I guess that means you won’t forgive me, then.”

At his pouted muttering, a strange voice came back, probably sounding less upbeat than usual because he was drunk: “Forgive you? Why? It’s not like I’m mad or anything. You were the one who got angry—just like you said, I was being too nosy. I’ve always been like that, not knowing my boundaries. I’m the type who’ll water a plant til it drowns.”

His self-deprecated ramblings came off as his true feelings—and in them, Yokozawa couldn’t detect a hint of anger or irritation.

“…I’m grateful to you, you know.”

“What, for the cat?”

“For Sorata of course—but, the reason I was able to face him then without running away…was all thanks to you. Before meeting you, if I’d run into him, I would’ve avoided facing him and probably turned tail and run.” If he’d been allowed to wallow in his own despair, he would’ve fallen into a horrible state of mind. The only reason he was able to get through it as well as he had was because Kiris.h.i.+ma had been by his side the whole time. While it had sometimes been irritating being teased as he had been, it had undoubtedly served its purpose as a distraction.

“…You would’ve been fine without me.” Kiris.h.i.+ma turned to face him now, and he didn’t look drunk at all. Of course, given what a heavy drinker he was by nature, there was no way he would’ve gotten drunk with a single can.

“…Maybe. But—if you hadn’t been there for me, I probably would be thinking about him even now.” He would have been left living gloomy days clinging to feelings that could never go anywhere.

“…So what are you saying you’re thinking of instead right now?”

“………”

Yokozawa’s words stuck in his throat; he hadn’t expected such a response. He dropped his gaze to the floor to keep Kiris.h.i.+ma from noticing his face burning up with shame.

“…You don’t have to say if you don’t want to.” It seemed he wasn’tteasing Yokozawa just now; he really was curious.

“…out you…”

“What?”

“I was thinking about you dammit! I’ve been doing nothing but thinking about you for the past two days! It’s annoying as h.e.l.l not being able to think about anything but YOU!”

“About…me?” Kiris.h.i.+ma’s expression was honestly shocked, and he gaped openly at Yokozawa, who in turn felt so embarra.s.sed his face could have lit up in flames.

“I kept…thinking how you had to be so p.i.s.sed at me for saying those things to you. Th-that…you hated me now…” He trailed off, knowing his face had to be red now. He’d gone all out in expressing himself just now—but Kiris.h.i.+ma continued to stare at him, dumbfounded. Irritated at the lack of any sort of response, Yokozawa snapped peevishly, “Are you even listening to me?”

“I am, I am! Just—you surprised me, and I thought maybe it was a dream…”

“Quit messing around!”

“Yeah, I don’t think I quite caught that—could you say it once more?”

“Like h.e.l.l! Geez, I’m done with this—I’m leaving.” He was well and through with such embarra.s.sing displays. He couldn’t bring himself to spend another minute enveloped in this awkward atmosphere. He’d promised Hiyori he’d make dinner for her, so he’d have to just call her up and apologize on his way home.

But as he turned to leave, he found his wrist gripped in a strong grasp, holding him in place. “Where do you think you’re going?”

“Let me go—I said I was leaving.”

“You think I’m gonna just let you leave, after you say something cute like that?”

At Kiris.h.i.+ma’s challenging words, Yokozawa’s brows knit together. “…You know, I’ve thought this for a long while, but—you’re probably the only person alive who’d think anything about my bear-like self was cute.”

“Maybe so,” he laughingly agreed—and that in itself was annoying. But when he opened his mouth to gripe at Kiris.h.i.+ma, who was grating his nerves even now, the man suddenly grew serious before him. “First loves never last.”

“…!”

“Do you still believe that?”

It seemed Yokozawa had gone so far as to blurt out something like that while he’d been drunk. Those were the words Yokozawa had told himself time and time again.

“You should just…try falling in love again, the right way. If you’re in love properly from the very beginning then isn’t that in a way your first true love?”

“…You know, maybe you’re more fit for working in Emerald thanj.a.pun with lines like that,” he jeered in response, trying to cover up how utterly mortifying it was to be told something as cliche as that—but Kiris.h.i.+ma refused to budge.

“Say whatever you want—it’s not like you hate this sort of mood, after all. And you’ve been falling for me for a while now.”

“Who says that about themselves? You’re shameless.”

“So choose me. If a stubborn a.s.shole like you is gonna be in love with someone, I’m way better suited for you than anyone else. I’ve got a kid—but I think that’s a plus, personally. And she happens to like you, so it all works out, right?”

“How the h.e.l.l is that a plus?”

“And I’ll accept everything about you. You don’t have to forget how you loved him before—those are precious feelings, so hold onto them.”

“What…?”

“I said I’d accept you unconditionally—you don’t have to change one bit.”

Kiris.h.i.+ma’s words soaked straight through into his chest—and at this rea.s.surance, Yokozawa felt as if a great weight had been lifted from his shoulders.

“…Just so you know, I come with a lot of baggage.”

“I know.”

“I’m moody, and it aggravates people.”

“I said it’s fine! And I kinda like that about you.”

“And you’re fine with the fact that I’m petty and get jealous easily?”

Kiris.h.i.+ma chuckled softly at the threat, reaching forward and smugly tucking a finger under Yokozawa’s chin, forcing his gaze up. The wedding ring that should have been on his left ring finger was nowhere to be seen. ”If you’re confident that you’re loved—then there’s no reason for you to feel that way. And I’m perfectly fine with you being jealous. It’s proof of how much you care.”

Kiris.h.i.+ma was blowing away his concerns one by one, eventually leaving him with no room to object.

“…I won’t forgive you if you toss me aside, you know.”

It was the best response Yokozawa could come up with just now.

Just as he felt the wind whip up, the sun disappeared behind the clouds rolling by in the sky above, and a chill suddenly snapped through the air. At Yokozawa’s stifled sneeze, they decided to head back inside. Recalling only now that it wouldn’t have been impossible for a neighbor to have overheard their conversation, a cold sweat broke out across Yokozawa’s brow.

He couldn’t shake the feeling that he’d just said something completely unlike himself, carried along by the heat of the moment. Eager to shake off the strange mood that had draped itself over them both, he cut the tension with a purposefully normal comment: “…Well, I guess I’ll go do the prep-work for dinner. I promised Hiyo earlier that I’d cook tonight.”

The reason it now felt even more awkward than it had out on the veranda…was probably because this was Kiris.h.i.+ma’s bedroom; it made him hyper-aware of Kiris.h.i.+ma’s presence. He’d never been particularly good with strategizing to begin with—leaving his only options being to push or pull.

When he endeavored to quickly remove himself from the bedroom—before he could even grip the doork.n.o.b, the door was pressed shut before him.

“What—?”

Kiris.h.i.+ma then locked the door soundly and wandered back to the veranda window, drawing the curtains. ”Let’s start over.”

“Start over?” As he stood there stock still in the dimly lit room, he felt something press against his body, and a moment later he found himself toppling backward as he was shoved onto his back on the bed. “What the h.e.l.l are you—”

When he tried to lift back up, Kiris.h.i.+ma mounted him like a horse, pressing down with all his body weight. As Yokozawa faltered for just how best to respond to this, blinking several times in succession, Kiris.h.i.+ma stared down at him, confessing abruptly, “…I lied to you, before.”

“You—lied?”

“…We didn’t sleep together that night. You just misunderstood—and I decided to let it go. Though, we did technically sleep together in the same bed, at least.”

“………What?”

“Wasn’t that nice of me? Not laying a finger on that lovely meal conveniently spread out before me?”

“What the—f.u.c.k! Why the h.e.l.l didn’t you say so in the first place?!” The truth of Kiris.h.i.+ma’s words finally hitting Yokozawa, he felt like an utter idiot for having worried so much about what had happened in those blank parts of his memory.

“Shouldn’t you be relieved? Or—would you rather we’d actually done it?”

“I—never said that!” He hadn’t said that, no—but Kiris.h.i.+ma had a point; most people would’ve felt relief at learning the truth…

“So—that’s why I suggested we start over. We both have feelings for each other now, after all—so there’s no need to hold back anymore.” He set to work peeling off Yokozawa’s s.h.i.+rt—and had managed to reveal his chest when, realizing what Kiris.h.i.+ma was trying to do, Yokozawa jumped in.

“Wait wait wait!” he snapped frantically, but Kiris.h.i.+ma paid him no heed. Yokozawa reached down to grab the hands that were roaming over his chest and abdomen now, but Kiris.h.i.+ma lithely twisted out of his way.

“We’ve waited long enough, haven’t we?”

“Weren’t you depressed not five minutes ago?!” He tried to shove away Kiris.h.i.+ma, who now had his face buried in the crook of Yokozawa’s neck, but it was no use.

“You cheered me up.”

“Then—for now, let’s just talk this out—”

“If you’re so intent on talking, let’s do it right here.”

Managing at last to loosen Kiris.h.i.+ma’s hold over him, Yokozawa started to crawl over the bed to escape—but Kiris.h.i.+ma quickly grabbed him by the hips from behind and effectively paralyzed him. With his free hand, he reached around to loosen Yokozawa’s belt, dragging down the zipper.

“W—we don’t have to do this right now!”

“Don’t you agree it’s important to go through the proper procedures with this, though? Besides—if I let you go now, you look like you’ll run off with your tail between your legs.”

“Like h.e.l.l I would!”

He knew Kiris.h.i.+ma was just trying to rile him up, but he couldn’t help the words that just fell off his lips. Just then, he hated the side of himself that couldn’t back down from a challenge.

“…You sure you wanna say something like that?”