Chapter 48 (2/2)
Sure, she did say it was a farming village, but I didn’t know which one. That about summed it up.
“…To be honest, I don’t really know myself. Until I was sold into slavery, I’d never left the village, so I know nothing about the area outside. However, I never crossed those mountains after being sold, so I think it’s likely somewhere to the north.”
Her response came easily, like she was talking about someone else’s problems. So I asked her the things I’d been conflicted over asking her about.
“Aira… you don’t want to return to your hometown?”
Palmira and I no longer had a place to call home. And yet in contrast, Aira’s was still there.
I couldn’t speak for Palmira, but I felt a certain nostalgia for mine. The truth is, I’d dragged Aira along without giving much thought to it. Now that we’d just about reached our destination, I could only ask this late in the game. But if she wanted to go back, if she wished to, then even if I couldn’t right now, I wanted to take her home someday.
Because mine was lost.
If you have a place to go home to, then you should go back someday.
“I don’t.”
“Not at all?”
“Not at all.”
Aira didn’t hesitate in the least. She even smiled.
“Because I’m sure that village isn’t the place I was born. As I said before, I was picked up from the roadside. I have no idea what my parents’ faces look like. Though it was the place where I was raised, though I naturally believe I owe a little to the people who raised me, they sold me. I think that my debt has been paid in full. So I don’t really understand the idea of a ‘hometown’.”
Aira’s tone was indifferent.
Palmira’s past was daring, but Aira’s background was plenty weird too. Even though she didn’t think anything of it herself, I felt my chest getting stuffy.
I amended my view.
Palmira and I had lost our hometowns, but Aira never had one to lose in the first place.
Of course, I knew from experience that such cases weren’t rare. Even if I sympathized, it was a common story. But still, that was definitely not normal.
A place to come home to someday. Wherever I might be, even if I can’t return, it remains inside my heart as my foundation. It’s proof of my personal journey; I can find some peace of mind when I look over my shoulder and make sure it’s there.
Through losing it, I’ve come to understand that whether I want to or not, shouldering my self-awareness, acceptance, resignation — I have no choice but to keep moving forward. All the same, I think — I hope that I might go back across the sea someday. Even if there’s nothing there.
But Aira didn’t even have that much.
“Big Sister.”
Concerned by my silence, Aira continued with a smile.
“Until that day, I lived without thinking a thing. I had nothing, no will of my own, no freedom either. Because there was no need to think. Why do I live? Why was I born into this world? I’m hollow, with no worth and no future. Why am I here, I wondered. Of course, I had no chance of ever finding the answer, so I didn’t think about it. It’s a bitter thing, thinking. It’s so much easier not to. That way, it doesn’t hurt.”
As she looked out the window, a smiling Aira spooled out her words like a song.
As if it didn’t matter at all.
As if it were a fact of life.
“But Big Sister, you saved me, didn’t you? You fought desperately to keep my worthless skin alive, didn’t you? You told me that I was worth something, that even this life of mine had meaning, didn’t you? So I started to think. About myself, about the future, about living, so many things. If — ”
She cut short her words, then looked at me for the first time. She stared straight into my eyes.
” — If thinking is what it means to live, then I was born at that moment. So my home is here. Right here. That’s why — ”
Aira lowered her head to me very deeply,
” — please, let me stay with you. Please.”
Though she was quiet, her plea was like a cry.
Suddenly, I understood her.
Aira always acts like there’s nothing wrong.
It might be the product of her fear.
If she’s refused. If her feelings aren’t understood.
Hiding her innermost thoughts, fearing rejection, and so protecting herself, she worries endlessly about the people she comes into contact with. That’s why she pretends that there’s nothing wrong with her own affairs.
To avoid being hurt, to avoid hurting others.
And maybe, to avoid a break in her thoughts and feelings, even in the face of rejection — she talks and laughs.
That’s why I know full well how sincere they are, the words she spoke so clearly with her head bowed down.
Thinking back, Aira did express these thoughts to me before.
The first time we met, in that slave wagon.
If I had rejected those feelings back then.
If I hadn’t listened.
Aira wouldn’t be like this now.
“Got it. Aira, let’s go on together.”
I hugged her head to my chest.
It was something of a kind lie.
The time for us to part ways would definitely come someday. We couldn’t be together forever. The only question was whether that will be sooner, or later.
Even so, I didn’t push Aira away right now. What happened after this wasn’t important.
Call me irresponsible, but right now, this is what matters.
In the past, I wouldn’t have done it.
I was always cautious about responsibility. I always worried about whether I was making a mistake or not. I was afraid of regret.
I might be making a mistake. I might come to regret it.
And yet.
And yet — at this very moment, this is right.
Holding onto Aira’s trembling body, I hugged her a little tighter.
Footnotes
1. 全体的に住民に緊張を強いているという状態にある為だ ↵
Kinda bittersweet. How would you describe a face that’s half-frowny, half-smiley?
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