Chapter 45 (1/2)

46: My Problem, Leon’s Problem

Raws:

The day drew to a close, and a veil of darkness fell on the heart of the city. I trudged my way down the road.

The thing is, I had to be home before dark. I’d promised.

But I lost track of time while I was playing, and ended up breaking my promise. My guilty conscience dragged down my feet.

The lights turned on in house after house, telling me that I should have gone home a long time ago. Even though I pretended that everything was just fine, the sun had already set, and dusk had been replaced by deep indigo, dying the distant mountains black.

I was nervous. The dark nighttime streets made it worse.

Was I going to be scolded when I got home? Was I going to get yelled at?

My mind filled with nothing else, I walked down the road to home.

Ahh, I got an earful.

After I got home, my mother gave me a terrible scolding. She hit me. I cried. But she let me inside. I ate my dinner with tears running down my cheeks. Worried, my little sister kept an eye on me and told me all sorts of stories, but in my stubbornness, I made her cry too.

…I told her ‘I’m sorry’, and we fell asleep together.

I watch myself walking down the nighttime streets, casting a long shadow.

I can no longer take that road. I can no longer go home.

After that, my home burned to the ground. My mother, my father, my sister, and I — we all watched, stupefied. Suddenly, the war started. Still immature, I couldn’t understand what that meant.

My home was gone.

But my family was still here with me. I still had something left.

I watch myself walking down the nighttime streets, casting a long shadow.

I can no longer take that road. I can no longer see my family.

After that, I made three gravestones. My mother’s, my father’s, and my little sister’s.

The remains of my crime. I built them without anyone’s help.

I must not depend on others. I must not have expectations. I must not hope.

I swore on those three small gravestones.

I watch myself walking down the nighttime streets, casting a long shadow.

I can no longer take that road. I can no longer return to my hometown.

After that, all I had was grief.

So I departed on a s.h.i.+p, alone. To free myself of that grief, to forget.

But I haven’t forgotten. I haven’t forgotten a single thing.

Because I watched myself as I kept walking down the nighttime streets, casting a long shadow.

I took a s.h.i.+p. I arrived in a new land. I took up the sword. I became an adventurer. I hunted monsters. I killed people. I went to battle. I was cheated. I starved. I wandered. I betrayed. I was betrayed. Then, I entered the labyrinth.

My memories pile up, layer after layer, becoming truth.

I’m standing right now because of them; they’re the reason why I exist as I am.

Memories. Memories of the past. Reminiscence. Experience. Way of life. Everything I have after coming this far.

Everything that shapes my consciousness.

With that in my heart, I will forge on.

–

–

When I came to, I was lying on a sofa.

I had a feeling that I’d had a dream. I couldn’t remember it clearly.

Only that it belonged to me. Not [Chris].

Why, after all this time, was I having my own dreams now? I found it problematic.

But this should have been a normal thing.

Before I turned into a wo — I mean, [Chris], I frequently had dreams about my past. ‘So this is normal,’ I thought to myself.

Dreams are things formed from personal experiences and memories. That’s what they say, pretty much, and I think so too. So, dreaming of my memories is nothing to get worked up about.

But that mundane answer made me more anxious.

Just a few days ago, I had one of [Chris’s] dreams. Now that wasn’t normal. Why? Because I had no memories of such things. If the commonly accepted theory were true, then that would’ve been impossible.

But I’m also [Chris]. And that’s not normal either. ‘So there’, I told myself.

In that case, though, what did this last dream mean?

Well, maybe nothing. Maybe some of [Chris] leaked into my intermittent dreams, the normal stuff. Yeah, that must be it. That’s definitely it.

If I don’t accept that, then there’s no soothing this anxiety.

The dream inverted. I changed places with [Chris].

Something like that can’t possibly happen.

I am — me.

“Chris?”

Hearing my name, I opened my eyes.

I could hazily make out someone’s face. Any more than that was obscured by the dazzling back-lighting.

To make sure, I reached out my hand and touched that face.

I could feel a soft, warm sensation against my palm.

The anxiety in my heart dispersed, and slowly but steadily, a sense of peace took its place. Unconsciously, my mouth softened.

” — Leon. You’re here, right? In your spot by the wall.”

When I opened my eyes, he was always in that spot, wasn’t he?

I don’t know where we are, but this is business as usual for us.1 Gradually swimming into focus, his face looked unbearably worried.

“…Thank G.o.d. You’re alright.”

“Yeah.”

Pulling together as much of my sluggish, muddled consciousness as I could, I pretended that nothing was wrong.

It’s a little hard for me to say that I’m alright.

I know it sounds serious, but it’s not really. At least I’ve woken up, and now it’s time for the rest of me to do the same.

Well, no big deal. It feels more like I just overslept than anything else.

Umm, that is what happened, isn’t it?

“How long have I… ah–”

“–oh!”

I pulled myself out of bed, but without any strength, I stumbled. Leon was there to support me without a moment’s delay.

“Ugh… Sorry.”

I’m kinda pathetic. Looks like I shouldn’t be pus.h.i.+ng myself too hard. Hanging onto Leon’s arm, I suppressed my wobbling.

“Please be careful. You’ve slept for three days already.”

“Three days!?”

Yeah, I figured I’d overslept, but this much?

Since I was awake, I might as well sort out the current situation. Leon and I appeared to be inside some kind of hospital room. It wasn’t very wide inside, and it came equipped with the simple bed that I was sitting on. Followed by a desk. Then, a cupboard stocked with some earthenware pots, all lined up.

There was a window by the desk, if not a particularly big one. The light streaming through it told me that it wasn’t nighttime, at least.

I may be in a hospital room somewhere, but it was probably inside the fortress. If I remember correctly, we were supposed to stay here for one night.

They might have held off for three days because of me.

Speaking of the fortress, only now did I remember that it was attacked that night.

What happened to Maddox? Is Rupert alright? Come to think of it, weren’t we even being attacked by a dragon?

Leon’s here, so they must have managed to make it through for the most part.