Part 9 (1/2)
_Only_ here should come immediately before the phrase by _submitting_.
=161. Parenthetic Expressions.=--The use of long parenthetic expressions within a sentence is also a frequent cause of lack of clearness. In general, sentences within parentheses should be avoided in news articles. Two short terse sentences are clearer--hence far more effective--than one long one containing a doubtfully clear parenthetic phrase or clause. The prime fault with the following sentence, for instance, is the inclusion of the two parenthetic clauses, necessitating a close reading to get the meaning:
Even if the allies shall be able to force the
Dardanelles, and present indications are that they
will, the wheat crop in Russia will not be up to the
average from that country on account of the
withdrawal of so many millions of men for purely
military purposes, either in the fields of battle or
in the factories getting munitions of war ready.
Put into two sentences, the ill.u.s.tration becomes:
Even if the allies shall be able to fulfil their
present expectations of forcing the Dardanelles, the
Russian wheat will not be up to the average. Too
many millions of men have been withdrawn from the
field to the trenches and the munition factories to
enable the country to produce a full crop.
=162. s.h.i.+fted Subject.=--A s.h.i.+fted subject within a sentence is also usually a hindrance to clearness. Indeed, one can aid clearness in successive sentences by retaining as far as possible the same subject.
Certainly one should not s.h.i.+ft subjects within the sentence without good reason. The two following sentences exhibit the weakness of the s.h.i.+fted subject:
The British amba.s.sador to Norway has offered $25,000
reward for his capture, and he bears a special
pa.s.sport from the Kaiser.
Witter was standing near the curb, but the death-car
pa.s.sed without his seeing it.
Improved, these sentences become:
The British amba.s.sador to Norway has offered $25,000
reward for the capture of Benson, who bears a
special pa.s.sport from the Kaiser.
Witter was standing near the curb, but failed to see
the death-car pa.s.s.
=163. Coherence.=--Clearness frequently is destroyed or greatly lessened through lack of proper coherence. Writers often forget that every sentence has a double purpose: to convey a meaning itself and to make clearer the meaning of preceding and succeeding sentences. The reporter should watch closely to see not only that the phrases of his sentences follow each other in natural sequence, but also that the relation of those phrases to adjacent ones in the same or other sentences is clearly shown. Here is a notice made ludicrous because the reporter used a connective indicating a wrong relation between two clauses:
Mrs. Alpheus White is on the sick list this week.
Dr. Anderson has been with her, but we hope she may
soon recover.
The connective that the writer should have used, of course, was _and_, or else none at all. Subst.i.tute the _and_ or merely omit the _but_ and the coherence is perfect.
=164. Coherence and Unity.=--Many sentences that appear to lack unity are really wanting in proper coherence. For instance,
Dr. Alvers was called as soon as the accident was
discovered, and it is feared now she will not
recover,
is a sentence lacking in unity, but one that may be unified properly if the coherence is made good. Thus:
Dr. Alvers was called as soon as the accident was
discovered, and though he gave all the aid that
medical science could render, it is feared now she
will not recover.
=165. Sentence Emphasis.=--Sentence emphasis is gained in five ways: by form, position, proportion, repet.i.tion, and delicacy of expression.
Sentence form--putting into an independent clause what is most important--has already been discussed under clearness. The use of position for emphasis is the placing at the beginning or end of the sentence the ideas that are most important and the enclosure within of the less important thoughts. The following sentence ill.u.s.trates a writer's failure to avail himself of position for emphasis:
This afternoon reports that she was still missing
from home were being circulated.
But _this afternoon_ and _circulated_ are not the important concepts.
_Reports_ and _still missing from home_ are the emphatic ideas and should be put first and last respectively. Thus:
Reports were being circulated this afternoon that
she was still missing from home.
So with the following:
This morning fifty convicts of the Kansas State
penitentiary were placed in solitary confinement,
accused of being leaders in a mutiny yesterday in
the coal mines operated by the penitentiary.
_This morning_ and _mines operated by the penitentiary_ are not, however, the important ideas. A better arrangement of the sentence reads:
Accused of being leaders in a mutiny yesterday in
the penitentiary coal mines, fifty convicts of the
Kansas State penitentiary were placed this morning
in solitary confinement.
Similarly, a phrase or clause transferred from its normal position in the sentence will attract attention to itself. Note the increased emphasis upon _the matter was purely political_ in the following sentence by transference of it from its normal position at the end:
Simpson, who was in the uniform of a lieutenant when
arrested at New Orleans, said the matter was purely
political.
That the matter was purely political was the
statement made by Simpson, who was in the uniform of
a lieutenant when arrested at New Orleans.
=166. Proportion for Emphasis.=--The emphasis of a sentence in a news story varies in inverse proportion to its length. Emphasis is gained by brevity. A prolix style tires the reader; and newspaper s.p.a.ce is valuable. The reporter, therefore, must make his sentences short and pointed. He must condense, must reduce predication to a minimum. As few verbs as possible and all verbs active is a slogan in the news room. It is an error from a newspaper standpoint to include in a sentence any word that may be omitted without altering or obscuring the sense. One of the first requisites for success in journalism is ability to present facts with a minimum of words. Note the added emphasis given the following sentences by mere reduction in the number of words:
It is well to understand that a high temperature of
heat, boiling or more, destroys the germs of
disease.
It is well understood that a high temperature,