Part 10 (2/2)

What have I done? Are we ruined? After weeks of awkwardness and getting to know each other and being comfortable with one another again, it was starting to feel like we were really friends. Was that over now? He said we didn't need to have any weird conversation but things definitely wouldn't be the same as they were before tonight, weird conversation or not. I really liked having him back in my life, and I wasn't ready to lose him again so soon.

And seriously, what the h.e.l.l was that? You'd think I'd have some kind of self-control at my age. I'm not some h.o.r.n.y teenager, and this isn't an episode of Jersey Sh.o.r.e for Christ's sake! I'm still married, too. What a s.l.u.tbag! We didn't even use a condom. What kind of person has unprotected s.e.x with a random guy before her divorce is even final? Not a good person, that's for sure. In my defense, Jake was anything but random, and if it were that easy to get pregnant I'd be a mom of three in a New York City condo with five digits a month worth of child support right now. But what about STDs? He doesn't look like he'd have an STD, but if people looked like they had STDs, STDs probably wouldn't exist because people would not have s.e.x with those people. I mean, who would say to themselves, that guy looks like a walking case of herpes and I totally want to do him? Huh? No one!

I was ashamed of myself. I felt happy, refreshed and satisfied ... all with a side of guilt. I needed to get my feelings under control because I was acting more neurotic than was acceptable for someone who was supposed to be only moderately inclined to neuroticism.

I decided to take my dad's advice for the second time that day and have a drink to calm my nerves. After my shower I put on some of my infamous loungewear and headed down to the kitchen. Adam and Jake were both in there as well. Adam was standing at the island digging through the drawer where we keep the pizza coupons and take-out menus. Jake was looking into the fridge. Neither of them felt the need to acknowledge my presence when I entered the room, and I took that as a good sign. That was normal.

”Is Carmen here?” Adam asked.

I didn't know who he was talking to or who Carmen was, but Jake must have known because he answered him.

”No,” Jake answered. ”I haven't seen her in awhile. She doesn't work at The Bar anymore.”

”Oh. I thought I heard some, um, noises upstairs when I got home,” Adam said.

Jake turned around from the fridge with a beer bottle in his hand and our eyes met. He gave me a wicked grin as he twisted off the bottle cap. Without missing a beat he said, ”That was probably your sister watching p.o.r.n upstairs.”

I gasped.

”d.a.m.n, Roxie,” he said to me with a gleam in his eye, ”you could at least turn the volume down. You're not the only one who lives here, you know.”

I probably should have been mad, but I laughed so hard I had to bend over and hold onto my stomach because I was afraid I might rupture something. In the middle of my laughing fit I snuck a look at Jake. I saw him bite his lip, probably to keep himself from laughing, too.

”You guys are disgusting,” Adam said sounding a little annoyed. ”I'm gonna order take-out. You guys want anything?”

”No, thanks,” we both said at the same time.

I pulled a bottle of Riesling out of the fridge and, without a word, Jake took it from my hand, opened it with a wine key and poured me a gla.s.s.

”Thanks,” I said when he handed the gla.s.s to me.

Our fingers touched. I smiled. He grinned back at me. It was one of those sneaky half-grins, the kind exchanged only by two people who shared a secret. And I believe I've already mentioned how much I like secrets.

CHAPTER TWELVE.

I took my wine outside to the pool and relaxed in one of the chaise lounges. The sun was about to set and GLL Challenge #13 was to watch a sunset, so it was pretty good timing.

Almost immediately the wine made me feel better about my Jersey Sh.o.r.e moment with Jake (um, not to sound like an alcoholic or anything). I had no reason to beat myself up over it. Yes, I was technically still married, but there was absolutely no chance of reconciliation between us. As for the lack of protection, well, I'd made a mistake, but I couldn't do anything about it now except learn from it and make sure I didn't repeat it. And as for ruining my friends.h.i.+p with Jake, that was silly to even think about. We were both grown-ups, even if we didn't always act like it. We were going to be fine. It wasn't the end of the world. So thank you, Dad, for encouraging me to have a drink and thank you, Barefoot Winery, for the Reisling.

Once the sun set and the wine was gone, I collected my tablet, wine gla.s.s and empty wine bottle and walked back into the kitchen with intentions to go to bed ... alone. I set the wine gla.s.s in the sink and the bottle on the counter and heard footsteps behind me. I turned around. It was Jake. He was standing at the entrance to the kitchen holding an empty beer bottle.

I had read the term ”smoldering look” before in cheesy romance novels, but I had never experienced one myself. Even during The Summer of Jake and Roxie I couldn't remember him ever looking at me quite like that. It was hot enough that I felt like I needed to shower again. I put my hands on the counter behind me and waited for him to speak because he looked like he had something to say.

”Hey,” he said quietly.

”Hi.”

He took a few steps forward, very slowly, until there was about a foot between us. He leaned forward to set his beer bottle on the counter behind me, pus.h.i.+ng his chest up against mine in the process. When he straightened up and his eyes met mine again, they stayed there. He put a finger under my chin and tilted my face upward. A little sigh escaped from me. He tucked a piece of my hair behind my ear and then let his hand rest on my cheek. I leaned my head into his hand. He made me feel ... and I know it sounds ridiculous, but he made me feel cozy. You know how good it feels to put on a pair of sweatpants straight from the dryer when they're still warm? Jake made me feel like that.

With no urgency at all, he brought his face toward mine and kissed me slowly and softly. I leaned back into the counter, glad I had something to hold me up since I felt dizzy again.

”I'm going to bed,” he said quietly. His face was still so close to mine that I could feel his breath on my lips when he spoke.

”Me too,” I told him, basically talking right into his mouth.

”But I don't want to go without you,” he said.

Thud. Sleeping alone was overrated anyway.

A few hours later (we weren't in such a hurry this time), I was once again feeling satisfied, but ashamed. Jake was amazing. We were amazing. Together. But that whole I'm-a-married-wh.o.r.e thing kept nagging at me. What was I doing? I couldn't be with Jake in any kind of long-term way. I knew that. Why was I being so stupid as to start something with him that I knew couldn't last?

”Jake?” I asked quietly. I wasn't sure if he was still awake or not. He was lying on his back beside me on his bed. I had been lying toward him with my head resting comfortably in the crook of his arm. It felt like the spot was made just for me. And it was so hard to pull myself away. But I did. I rolled over onto my back as well.

He sighed loudly like he knew what was coming. ”Yeah.”

”Not that I don't want to, but I don't think we should do this again.”

”No?”

”I had a lot of fun. I love being with you. It's just, you know.”

”No, I don't know. What is it?”

”You know I'm still married.”

He turned his head toward me. ”So you're saying once your divorce is finalized, it's okay for you to be with me?” The tone of his voice sounded like he was challenging me, like he knew the answer to the question already.

I sat up and leaned back on my hands. ”I can't say that. But I'm sorry about earlier. I shouldn't have kissed you. It was entirely my fault, and I take the blame. Can we pretend this day never happened?”

”I think we can handle it. We've had a lot of practice pretending things don't happen.”

I stood up. ”I'm gonna go back to my room then.”

”No. Stay. You can go back to your room tomorrow.”

”Fine.” I lied back down and snuggled up against him. ”I'll go back tomorrow.”

Jake was right. We did have a lot of practice ”pretending things don't happen” and that's probably why we managed to fall right back into our normal roommate routine without any glitches. He had a busier schedule than usual thanks to his blossoming boudoir business. He continued to give me $100 for every photo session like he had promised, and I was making quite a bit of money from them. I figured it was making up for my month of slacking.

I also stayed busy myself. The Good Life List Challenge #26 was to host a party where I made at least ten new recipes and The Fourth of July was scheduled to be the big day. When I wasn't designing invites and scouring Pinterest for patriotic recipes and creative decor, I was going over the remaining GLL Challenges and trying to figure out how I was going to complete some of the most difficult ones. Like #4 Go skinny dipping in someone else's pool without their permission. How was a good girl like me going to pull off something like that?

Adam had miraculously been given the whole afternoon of the fourth off, so we invited over Allison and her family, some of the girls who had come to my divorce party, a few of Jake's coworkers from The Bar and a couple of people Adam knew from the hospital.

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