Volume X Part 17 (1/2)

LAWYER.--”What do you mean by such language as that? When you say that the plaintiff suddenly approached the defendant, who was silent at the time, and 'busted him in the snoot,' do you mean that the plaintiff struck the defendant?”

WITNESS.--”That's me--I'm swearing to that very circ.u.mstance--yes, your Honor, that was just the way of it. Now, for instance, as if you was Jones and I was Smith. Well, I comes up all of a sudden and says I to your Honor, says I, 'D--n your old tripe--'”

(Suppressed laughter in the lobbies.)

THE COURT.--”Order in the court! Witness, you will confine yourself to a plain statement of the facts in this case, and refrain from the embellishments of metaphor and allegory as far as possible.”

WITNESS.--(Considerably subdued.)--”I beg your Honor's pardon--I didn't mean to be so brash. Well, Smith comes up to Jones all of a sudden and mashed him in the bugle--”

LAWYER.--”Stop! Witness, this kind of language will not do. I will ask you a plain question, and I require you to answer it simply, yes or no.

Did--the--plaintiff--strike--the defendant? Did he strike him?”

WITNESS.--”You bet your sweet life he did. Gad! he gave him a paster in the trumpet--”

LAWYER.--”Take the witness! take the witness! take the witness! I have no further use for him.”

The lawyer on the other side said he would endeavor to worry along without more a.s.sistance from Mr. Sowerby, and the witness retired to a neighboring bench.

Mr. McWilliamson was next called, and deposed as follows:

”I was a-standing as close to Mr. Smith as I am to this pulpit, a-chaffing with one of the lager beer girls--Sophronia by name, being from summers in Germany, so she says, but as to that, I--”

LAWYER.--”Well, now, never mind the nativity of the lager beer girl, but state, as concisely as possible, what you know of the a.s.sault and battery.”

WITNESS.--”Certainly--certainly. Well, German or no German,--which I'll take my oath I don't believe she is, being of a red-headed disposition, with long, bony fingers, and no more hankering after Limberger cheese than--”

LAWYER.--”Stop that driveling nonsense and stick to the a.s.sault and battery. Go on with your story.”

WITNESS.--”Well, sir, she--that is, Jones--he sidled up and drawed his revolver and tried to shoot the top of Smith's head off, and Smith run, and Sophronia she walloped herself down in the saw-dust and screamed twice, just as loud as she could yell. I never see a poor creature in such distress--and then she sung out: 'O, H--ll's fire! What are they up to now? Ah, my poor dear mother, I shall never see you more!'--saying which, she jerked another yell and fainted away as dead as a wax figger.

Thinks I to myself, I'll be danged if this ain't gettin' rather dusty, and I'll--”

THE COURT.--”We have no desire to know what you thought; we only wish to know what you saw. Are you sure Mr. Jones endeavored to shoot the top of Mr. Smith's head off?”

WITNESS.--”Yes, your Honor.”

THE COURT.--”How many times did he shoot?”

WITNESS.--”Well, sir, I couldn't say exactly as to the number--but I should think--well, say seven or eight times--as many as that, anyway.”

THE COURT.--”Be careful now, and remember you are under oath. What kind of a pistol was it?”

WITNESS.--”It was a Durringer, your Honor.”

THE COURT.--”A derringer! You must not trifle here, sir. A derringer only shoots once--how then could Jones have fired seven or eight times?”

(The witness is evidently as stunned by that last proposition as if a brick had struck him.)

WITNESS.--”Well, your Honor--he--that is, she--Jones, I mean--Soph--”

THE COURT.--”Are you sure he fired more than one shot? Are you sure he fired at all?”