Volume VII Part 8 (1/2)

After prefatory prayers and hymns, and _pithy_ exhortations by several brothers of the Circa.s.sian breed, our dusky divine, the Rev. Mizraim Ham, commenced his sermon, founded on the duel between David and Goliath.

This discourse we shall condense into a few pages; although the comedy or _mellow_-drama--for it greatly mellowed and relaxed the muscles--required for its entire action a full hour. There was, indeed, a prologue, but the rest was mainly dialogue, in which Mr. Ham wonderfully personated all the different speakers, varying his tone, manner, att.i.tude, etc., as varying characters and circ.u.mstances demanded. We fear much of the spirit has evaporated in this condensation; but that evil is unavoidable.

REV. MIZRAIM HAM'S DISCOURSE

”Bruthurn and sisturn, tention, if you pleases, while I want you for to understand this here battul most partiklur 'zact, or may be you moughtn't comprend urn. Furst place, I gwyin to undevur to sarc.u.mscribe fust the 'cas.h.i.+n of this here battul: second place, the 'comdas.h.i.+ns of the armies: third place, the folkses as was gwyin for to fite and didn't want to, and some did: and last and fourth place, I'm gwyin for to show purtiklur 'zact them as fit juul, and git victry and git kill'd.

”Tention, if you please, while I fustly sarc.u.mscribe the 'casion of this here battul. Bruthurn and sisturn, you see them thar hethun Fillystines, what warn't circ.u.mcised, they wants to ketch King Sol and his 'ar folks for to make um slave; and so, they c.u.ms down to pick a quorl, and begins a-totin off all their cawn, and wouldn't 'low um to make no hoes to hoe um, nor no homnee. And that 'ar, you see, stick in King Solsis gizurd; and he ups and says, says he, 'I'm not gwying to be used up that 'ar away by them uncirc.u.mcis'd hethun Fillystines, and let um tote off our folkses cawn to chuck to thar hogs, and take away our hoes so we can't hoe um--and so, Jonathun, we'll drum up and list soljurs and try um a battul.' And then King Sol and his 'ar folks they goes up, and the hethun and theirn comes down and makes war. And this is the 'cas.h.i.+n why they fit.

”Tention, 'gin, if you pleases, I'm gwyin in the next place secondly, to show the 'comdas.h.i.+ns of this here battul, which was so fas.h.i.+n like. The Fillystines they had thar army up thar on a mounting, and King Sol he had hissin over thar, like, across a branch, amoss like that a one thar--(pointing)--and it was chuck full of sling rock all along on the bottom. And so they was both on um camp'd out; this a one on this 'ar side, and tother a one on tother, and the lilly branch tween um--and them's the 'comdas.h.i.+ns.

”Tention once more agin, as 'caze next place thirdly, I'm a gwyin to give purtiklur 'zact 'count of sum folkses what fit and sum didn't want to. And lubly sinnahs, maybe you minds um, as how King Sol and his soljurs was pepper hot for fite when he fust liss um; but now, lubly sinnahs, when they gits up to the Fillystines, they cool off mighty quick, I tell you! 'Caze why? I tell you; why, 'caze a grate, big, ugly ole jiunt, with grate big eyes, so fas.h.i.+n--(Mr. Ham made giant's eyes here)--he k.u.ms a rampin' out a frount o' them 'ar rigiments, like the ole devul a gwyin about like a half-starv'd lion a-seeking to devour poor lubly sinnahs! And he c.u.m a-jumpin and a-tearin out so fas.h.i.+n--(actions to suit)--to git sum of King Solsis soljurs to fite urn juul; and King Sol, lubly bruthurn and sisturn, he gits sker'd mighty quick, and he says to Jonathun and tother big officers, says he, 'I ain't a gwyin for to fite that grate big fellah.' And arter that they ups and says, 'We ain't a gwying for to fite um nuther, 'caze he's all kiver'd with sheetirun, and his head's up so high we muss stand a hoss back to reach um!'--the jiunt he was _so big_!!

”And then King Sol he quite down in the jaw, and he turn and ax if somebody wouldn't hunt up a soljur as would fite juul with um; and he'd give um his dawtah, the prinsuss, for wife, and make um king's son-in-law. And then one old koretur, they call him Abnah, he comes up and says to Sol so: 'Please, your majustee, sir, I kin git a young fellah to fite um,' says he. And Abnah tells how Davy had jist rid up in his carruge and left um with the man what tend the hossis--and how he heern Davy a quorl'n with his bruthers and a wantun to fite the jiunt.

Then King Sol, he feel mighty glad, I tell you, sinnahs, and he make um bring um up, and King Sol he begins a-talkin so, and Davy he answers so:--

”'What's your name, lilly fellah?'

”'I was krissen'd Davy.'

”'Who's your farder?'

”'They call um Jesse.'

”'What you follur for livin?'

”'I 'tend my farder's sheep.'

”'What you k.u.m arter? Ain't you affeerd of that 'ar grate ugly ole jiunt up thar, lilly Davy?'

”'I k.u.m to see arter my udder brudurs, and bring um in our carruge some cheese and muttun, and some clene s.h.i.+rt and trowser, and have tother ones wash'd. And when I c.u.m I hear ole Golliawh a hollerin out for somebody to c.u.m and fite juul with um; and all the soljurs round thar they begins for to make traks mighty quick, I tell you, please your majuste, sir, for thar tents; but, says I, what you run for? I'm not a-gwyin for to run away--if King Sol wants somebody for to fite the jiunt, I'll fite um for um.'

”'I mighty feer'd, lilly Davy you too leetul for um--'

”'No! King Sol, I kin lick um. One day I gits asleep ahind a rock, and out k.u.ms a lion and a bawr, and begins a-totin off a lilly lam; and when I heern um roarin and pawin 'bout, I rubs my eyes and sees um gwyin to the mountings--and I arter and ketch'd up and kill um both without no gun nor sword--and I bring back poor lilly lamb. I kin lick ole Goliawh, I tell you, please your majuste, sir.'

”Then King Sol he wery glad, and pat um on the head, and calls um 'lilly Davy,' and wants to put on um his own armur made of bra.s.s and sheetirum and to take his sword, but Davy didn't like um, but said he'd trust to his sling. And then out he goes to fite the ole jiunt; and this 'ar brings me to the fourth and last diwis.h.i.+n of our surmun.

”'Tention once more agin, for la.s.s time, as I'm gwyin to give most purtikurl.u.s.t 'zactest 'count of the juul atween lilly Davy and ole Goliawh the jiunt, to show, lubly sinnah! how the Lord's peepul without no carnul gun nor sword, can fite ole Bellzybub and knock um over with the sling rock of prayer, as lilly Davy knocked over Goliawh with hissin out of the Branch.

”And to 'l.u.s.terut the juul and make um spikus, I'll show 'zactly how they talk'd, and jaw'd, and fit it all out; and so ole Goliawh when he sees Davy a k.u.mun, he hollurs out so, and lilly Davy he say back so:

”'What you k.u.m for, lilly Jew?--'

”'What I k.u.m for? you'll find out mighty quick, I tell you--I k.u.m for fite juul--'

”'Huhh! huhh! haw!--t'ink I'm gwyin to fite puttee lilly baby? I want King Sol or Abnah, or a big soljur man--'

”'Hole your jaw--I'll make you laugh tother side, ole grizzle-gruzzle, 'rectly--I'm man enough for biggust jiunt Fillystine.'