Part 17 (1/2)

”All of what?”

Her answer is an eloquent twirl of her wrist: you, me, this counterfeit date.

”Doesn't she look beautiful?” Todd tries.

Leif's complexion and scalp go red.

”Let the record show an affirmative response,” says Thalia.

”Thalia tells us you're going to Per Se,” says Henry. ”Have you been there before?”

”No. Someone else picked it.”

”Someone with good taste and pull” Todd says.

”I'm starved,” says Thalia. ”All I had all day was tea and Oreos.”

”I wish I'd known that,” says Henry.

”He'd have roasted you a leg of lamb,” says Todd.

”Shall we go?” asks Thalia.

”It might rain later,” says Henry.

”The driver has a big umbrella with my logo on it,” says Leif, pointing to the mummy on his chest.

”All set,” says Thalia. She kisses Henry, then Todd, who whispers, ”Reapply the gloss after every course.”

”And definitely do the wine pairings,” says Henry.

Leif says, ”They told me to do that. And Thalia's getting the Kobe beef because that's what they told the papers in advance.”

”Interesting what they think the public wants to know,” says Henry.

”Bye, my people,” Thalia says. ”You go do something fun, too.”

”We'll close up here,” says Henry. ”Do you have your key?” Thalia snaps open her silver-spangled evening purse and says, ”Check.”

Leif nods stiffly to each. Clearly for their benefit, Thalia follows him to the door with unbent knees and robotic arms-Mrs. Frankenstein heading out for a night on the town.

Street Sense wins the Derby, which they replay and watch again. Todd wonders aloud if the winning horse knows he crossed the finish line first and feels some equine version of jubilation.

”He must-all the hoopla, the hugging and kissing. The blanket of roses. I wasn't raised around horses, but they're supposed to have emotions. Did you read Seabiscuit?”

Todd says, ”Loved the movie. And what do I remember most? When he rejected the goat who was supposed to be his best buddy and tossed him out of the barn. I wanted Seabiscuit to have a companion, even if the rest of the world wanted him to settle down with a nice mare.”

On the screen the delirious owner is hugging Street Sense's trainer. It seems as good a juncture as any for Henry to slip his arm around Todd's shoulder. ”It happened in real life, too,” says Henry, ”by which I mean in the book, just with a little less drama. Biscuit picks the goat up with his teeth and drops him over the door to his stall.”

Todd covers the hand resting on his shoulder. ”Look at us: two shy boys at the movies.”

Henry points the remote and mutes the color commentary. The cable box reads 8:40. ”They're well into it,” he says. ”I wonder how it's going.”

”He seemed startled,” Todd says. ”What do you think that was about?”

”The way she looked, like a million bucks. He'd only seen her in rags.”

”He turned purple!”

”I think it's safe to say he's never been out with a girl like Thalia.”

”Or any girl.”

”Debunked that,” says Henry. ”According to Thalia, he had a bona fide affair with the acting teacher who set this whole thing in motion.”

”A woman?”

”Definitely. Sally, hyphenated name. She confessed when Thalia asked the question, 'Am I being hired as a beard?'”

”It's not that I picked up a vibe. It was just that he looked a little panicked when he saw the two of us.”

”It wasn't us. It was the shock of seeing Thalia looking magnificent. And there we were, taking notes, figuratively, witness to the fact that he can't get a girl on his own. Most humiliating, I'm sure.”

Todd answers in a lifeless monotone, ”Hullo, sir. Hullo, other sir. Thalia, you look hot.”

”I know: awful. Imagine being his mother or father. It must be a little heartbreaking to have a child turn out so unappealing.”

”You are a dear man,” Todd says. ”If I had any disposable income to speak of, I'd march you over to Per Se myself.”

Henry shuts off the television. ”There are other options,” he says.

”Of course! I wasn't hinting. Pizza's fine. Or that noodle joint on Columbus.”

”What I meant,” says Henry, ”was other options. And then dinner.”

”Finally” says Todd.

Each has read in Time Out New York that there's a place serving great burgers in the West Seventies, but neither remembers which block. Todd narrates as they walk west, checking posted menus outside the neighborhood's seedier taverns, ”If they were shooting a romantic comedy about us, this is where we'd see a montage of us engaging in fun-filled couple things: Rollerblading in the park, waiting in line for a foreign film, walking a herd of dogs and getting tangled up in the leashes.”

”Signifying...?”

”The awkward phase is over. No more Will they or won't they? Everything's good. We'll thank our matchmaker in the credits.”

”'With grateful thanks to Denise Krouch, who matched us up on the basis of this one's gay and so's this one.'”

”Let's call her,” says Todd. ”C'mon. Let's see if she wants to meet us for a burger. Maybe she knows the name of the joint we're looking for.”