Part 3 (2/2)

An Arab observing one morning that his house was ready to tumble about his ears from decay, and being without the means of repairing it, went with a long face to his wife, and informed her of his trouble. She said, ”Why, my dear, need you distress yourself about so small a matter? You have a cow worth thirty dirhams; take her to the market and sell her for that sum. I have some thread, which I will dispose of to-day, and I warrant you that between us both we shall manage very well.” The man at once drove the cow to the market, and gave her over for sale to the appraiser of cattle. The salesman showed her to the bystanders, directed their attention to all her good points, expatiated on all her good qualities, and, in short, pa.s.sed her off as a cow of inestimable value.

To all this the simpleton listened with delight and astonishment; he heard his cow praised for qualities that no other cow ever possessed, and determined in his own mind not to lose so rare a bargain, but purchase her himself and balk the chapmen. He therefore called out to the appraiser, and asked him what she was going at. The salesman replied, ”At fifteen dirhams and upwards.” ”By the head of the Prophet,”

exclaimed the wittol, ”had I known that my cow was such a prodigy of excellence, you should not have caught me in the market with her for sale.” Now it happened that he had just fifteen dirhams, and no more, and these he thrust upon the broker, exclaiming, ”The cow is mine; I have the best claim to her.” He then seized the cow and drove her home, exulting all the way as if he had found a treasure. On reaching home he inquired eagerly for his wife, to inform her of his adventure, but was told she was not returned from market. He waited impatiently for her return, when he sprang up to meet her, crying, ”Wife, I have done something to-day that will astonish you. I have performed a marvellous exploit!” ”Patience!” says his wife. ”Perhaps I have done something myself to match it. But hear my story, and then talk of cleverness, if you please.” The husband desired her to proceed.

”When I went to market,” says she, ”I found a man in want of thread. I showed him mine, which he approved of, and having bargained for it, he agreed to pay me according to the weight. I told him it weighed so much, which he seemed to discredit, and weighed it himself. Observing it to fall short of the weight I had mentioned, and fearing I should lose the price I at first expected, I requested him to weigh it over again, and make certain. In the meantime, taking an opportunity un.o.bserved, I stripped off my silver bracelets and put them slily into the scale with my thread. The scale, of course, now preponderated, and I received the full price I had demanded.” Having finished her story, she cried out, ”Now, what do you think of your wife?” ”Amazing! amazing!” said he.

”Your capacity is supernatural. And now, if you please, I will give you a specimen of mine,” and he related his adventure at the market. ”O husband,” she exclaimed when he had told his story, ”had we not possessed such consummate wisdom and address, how could we have contrived means to repair our old house? In future vex not yourself about domestic concerns, since by the exercise of our talents we need never want for anything!”

The exploits of that precious pair may be compared with the following: An alewife went to the market with a brood of chickens and an old black hen. For the hen and one chicken she could not find a purchaser; so, before leaving the town, she called upon a surgeon, to try to effect a sale. He bought the chicken, but declined taking the hen. She then asked him if he would draw a tooth for it. The tooth was drawn, and he expressed his surprise on finding it was perfectly sound. ”Oh,” said she, ”I knew it was sound; but it was worth while having it drawn for the old hen.” She then called upon another surgeon, and had a second tooth drawn, as sound as the other. ”What's to pay?” she inquired. ”A s.h.i.+lling,” said the surgeon. ”Very well,” rejoined the hostess, with a chuckle; ”you left a s.h.i.+lling due in my house the other night, and now we are quits.” ”Certainly we are,” responded the perplexed tooth-drawer, and the delighted old woman returned to her hostelry, to acquaint all her gossips of how cleverly she had outwitted the doctors.

Ferrier says, in his _Ill.u.s.trations of Sterne_, that the facetious tales of the Sieur Gaulard laid the foundation of some of the jests in our old English collections. A few of them found their way somehow into Taylor's _Wit and Mirth_, and this is one: A monsieur chanced to meet a lady of his acquaintance, and asked her how she did and how her good husband fared, at which she wept, saying that her husband was in heaven. ”In heaven!” quoth he. ”It is the first time that I heard of it, and I am sorry for it with all my heart.”

Similar in its point is a story in _Archie Armstrong's Banquet of Jests_:[8] Sitting over a cup of ale in a winter night, two widows entered into discourse of their dead husbands, and after ripping up their good and bad qualities, saith one of them to the maid, ”I prithee, wench, reach us another light, for my husband (G.o.d rest his soul!) above all things loved to see good lights about the house. G.o.d grant him light everlasting!” ”And I pray you, neighbour,” said the other, ”let the maid lay on some more coals or stir up the fire, for my husband in his lifetime ever loved to see a good fire. G.o.d grant him fire everlasting!”

This seems cousin-german to the Arabian story of two men, one of whom hailed from the town of Hama (ancient Hamath), the other from Hums (ancient Emessa). Those towns are not far apart, but the people of the former have the reputation of being very clever, while those of the latter are proverbially as stupid. (And for the proper understanding of the jest it should perhaps be explained that the Arabic verb _hama_ means to ”protect” or ”defend,” the verb _hamasa_ to ”roast” or ”toast.”) These men had some business of importance with the nearest magistrate, and set out together on their journey. The man of Hums, conscious of his own ignorance, begged his companion to speak first in the audience, in order that he might get a hint as to how such a formal matter should be conducted. Accordingly, when they came into the pasha's presence, the man of Hama went forward, and the pasha asked him, ”Where are you from?” ”Your servant is from Hama,” said he. ”May Allah PROTECT (_hama_) your excellency!” The pasha then turned to the other man, and asked, ”And where are you from?” to which he answered, ”Your servant is from Hums. May Allah ROAST _(hamasa)_ your excellency!”

Not a few of the _Bizarrures_ of the Sieur Gaulard are the prototypes of bulls and foolish sayings of the typical Irishman, which go their ceaseless round in popular periodicals, and are even audaciously reproduced as original in our ”comic” journals--save the mark! To cite some examples:

A friend one day told M. Gaulard that the Dean of Besancon was dead.

”Believe it not,” said he; ”for had it been so he would have told me himself, since he writes to me about everything.”

M. Gaulard asked his secretary one evening what hour it was. ”Sir,”

replied the secretary, ”I cannot tell you by the dial, because the sun is set.” ”Well,” quoth M. Gaulard, ”and can you not see by the candle?”

On another occasion the Sieur called from his bed to a servant desiring him to see if it was daylight yet. ”There is no sign of daylight,” said the servant. ”I do not wonder,” rejoined the Sieur, ”that thou canst not see day, great fool as thou art. Take a candle and look with it out at the window, and thou shalt see whether it be day or not.”

In a strange house, the Sieur found the walls of his bedchamber full of great holes. ”This,” exclaimed he in a rage, ”is the cursedest chamber in all the world. One may see day all the night through.”

Travelling in the country, his man, to gain the fairest way, rode through a field sowed with pease, upon which M. Gaulard cried to him, ”Thou knave, wilt thou burn my horse's feet? Dost thou not know that about six weeks ago I burned my mouth with eating pease, they were so hot?”

A poor man complained to him that he had had a horse stolen from him.

”Why did you not mark his visage,” asked M. Gaulard, ”and the clothes he wore?” ”Sir,” said the man, ”I was not there when he was stolen.” Quoth the Sieur, ”You should have left somebody to ask him his name, and in what place he resided.”

M. Gaulard felt the sun so hot in the midst of a field at noontide in August that he asked of those about him, ”What means the sun to be so hot? How should it not keep its heat till winter, when it is cold weather?”

A proctor, discoursing with M. Gaulard, told him that a dumb, deaf, or blind man could not make a will but with certain additional forms. ”I pray you,” said the Sieur, ”give me that in writing, that I may send it to a cousin of mine who is lame.”

One day a friend visited the Sieur and found him asleep in his chair. ”I slept,” said he, ”only to avoid idleness; for I must always be doing something.”

The Abbe of Poupet complained to him that the moles had spoiled a fine meadow, and he could find no remedy for them. ”Why, cousin,” said M.

Gaulard, ”it is but paving your meadow, and the moles will no more trouble you.”

M. Gaulard had a lackey belonging to Auvergne, who robbed him of twelve crowns and ran away, at which he was very angry, and said he would have nothing that came from that country. So he ordered all that was from Auvergne to be cast out of the house, even his mule; and to make the animal more ashamed, he caused his servants to take off its shoes and its saddle and bridle.

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