Part 33 (1/2)

”No,” she said. ”I'm keeping him right here.”

Grant said, ”Well. That's very good and n.o.ble of you.”

He hoped the word ”n.o.ble” had not sounded sarcastic. He had not meant it to be.

”You think so?” she said. ”n.o.ble is not what I'm thinking about.”

”Still. It's not easy.”

”No, it isn't. But the way I am, I don't have much choice. If I put him in there I don't have the money to pay for him unless I sell the house. The house is what we own outright. Otherwise I don't have anything in the way of resources. I get the pension next year, and I'll have his pension and my pension, but even so I could not afford to keep him there and hang on to the house.

And it means a lot to me, my house does.”

”It's very nice,” said Grant.

”Well, it's all right. I put a lot into it. Fixing it up and keeping it up.

”I'm sure you did. You do.”

”I don't want to lose it.”

”No.”

”I'm not going to lose it.”

”I see your point.”

”The company left us high and dry,” she said. ”I don't know all the ins and outs of it, but basically he got shoved out. It ended up with them saying he owed them money and when I tried to find out what was what he just went on saying it's none of my - 314*

business. What I think is he did something pretty stupid. But I'm not supposed to ask, so I shut up. You've been married. You are married. You know how it is. And in the middle of me finding out about this we're supposed to go on this trip with these people and can't get out of it. And on the trip he takes sick from this virus you never heard of and goes into a coma. So that pretty well gets him off the hook.”

Grant said, ”Bad luck.”

”I don't mean exactly that he got sick on purpose. It just happened. He 's not mad at me anymore and I'm not mad at him.

It's just life.”

”That's true.”

”You can't beat life.”

She flicked her tongue in a cat's businesslike way across her top lip, getting the cookie crumbs. ”I sound like I'm quite the philosopher, don't I? They told me out there you used to be a university professor.”

”Quite a while ago,” Grant said.

”I'm not much of an intellectual,” she said.

”I don't know how much I am, either.”

”But I know when my mind's made up. And it's made up. I'm not going to let go of the house. Which means I'm keeping him here and I don't want him getting it in his head he wants to move anyplace else. It was probably a mistake putting him in there so I could get away, but I wasn't going to get another chance, so I took it. So. Now I know better.”

She shook out another cigarette.

”I bet I know what you're thinking,” she said. ”You're thinking there 's a mercenary type of a person.”

”I'm not making judgments of that sort. It's your life.”

”You bet it is.”

He thought they should end on a more neutral note. So he asked her if her husband had worked in a hardware store in the summers, when he was going to school.

”I never heard about it,” she said. ”I wasn't raised here.”

- 315*

Driving home, he noticed that the swamp hollow that had been filled with snow and the formal shadows of tree trunks was now lighted up with skunk lilies. Their fresh, edible-looking leaves were the size of platters. The flowers sprang straight up like candle flames, and there were so many of them, so pure a yellow, that they set a light shooting up from the earth on this cloudy day. Fiona had told him that they generated a heat of their own as well. Rummaging around in one of her concealed pockets of information, she said that you were supposed to be able to put your hand inside the curled petal and feel the heat. She said that she had tried it, but she couldn't be sure if what she felt was heat or her imagination. The heat attracted bugs.

”Nature doesn't fool around just being decorative.”

He had failed with Aubrey's wife. Marian. He had foreseen that he might fail, but he had not in the least foreseen why. He had thought that all he 'd have to contend with would be a woman's natural s.e.xual jealousy-or her resentment, the stubborn remains of s.e.xual jealousy.

He had not had any idea of the way she might be looking at things. And yet in some depressing way the conversation had not been unfamiliar to him. That was because it reminded him of conversations he 'd had with people in his own family. His uncles, his relatives, probably even his mother, had thought the way Marian thought. They had believed that when other people did not think that way it was because they were kidding themselves-they had got too airy-fairy, or stupid, on account of their easy and protected lives or their education. They had lost touch with reality. Educated people, literary people, some rich people like Grant's socialist inlaws had lost touch with reality.

Due to an unmerited good fortune or an innate silliness. In Grant's case, he suspected, they pretty well believed it was both.

That was how Marian would see him, certainly. A silly person, full of boring knowledge and protected by some fluke - 316*

from the truth about life. A person who didn't have to worry about holding on to his house and could go around thinking his complicated thoughts. Free to dream up the fine, generous schemes that he believed would make another person happy.

What a jerk, she would be thinking now.

Being up against a person like that made him feel hopeless, exasperated, finally almost desolate. Why? Because he couldn't be sure of holding on to himself against that person? Because he was afraid that in the end they'd be right? Fiona wouldn't feel any of that misgiving. n.o.body had beat her down, narrowed her in, when she was young. She 'd been amused by his upbringing, able to think its harsh notions quaint.

Just the same, they have their points, those people. (He could hear himself now arguing with somebody. Fiona?) There 's some advantage to the narrow focus. Marian would probably be good in a crisis. Good at survival, able to scrounge for food and able to take the shoes off a dead body in the street.

Trying to figure out Fiona had always been frustrating. It could be like following a mirage. No-like living in a mirage.

Getting close to Marian would present a different problem. It would be like biting into a litchi nut. The flesh with its oddly artificial allure, its chemical taste and perfume, shallow over the extensive seed, the stone.

He might have married her. Think of it. He might have married some girl like that. If he 'd stayed back where he belonged. She 'd have been appetizing enough, with her choice b.r.e.a.s.t.s. Probably a flirt. The fussy way she had of s.h.i.+fting her b.u.t.tocks on the kitchen chair, her pursed mouth, a slightly contrived air of menace-that was what was left of the more or less innocent vulgarity of a smalltown flirt.

She must have had some hopes, when she picked Aubrey. His good looks, his salesman's job, his white-collar expectations. She must have believed that she would end up better off than she was - 317*

now. And so it often happened with those practical people. In spite of their calculations, their survival instincts, they might not get as far as they had quite reasonably expected. No doubt it seemed unfair.

In the kitchen the first thing he saw was the light blinking on his answering machine. He thought the same thing he always thought now. Fiona.

He pressed the b.u.t.ton before he got his coat off.

”h.e.l.lo, Grant. I hope I got the right person. I just thought of something. There is a dance here in town at the Legion supposed to be for singles on Sat.u.r.day night, and I am on the supper committee, which means I can bring a free guest. So I wondered whether you would happen to be interested in that? Call me back when you get a chance.”