Part 10 (2/2)
A MODEL MINISTER.
Not far from the city of Aberdeen is a little village of seafaring folk, and the worthy minister, the Rev. Mr. Pollock, is guide, philosopher, and friend to the entire community. Up to his manse, which is a mile from the uneven and fishy streets, there is a constant _va-et-vient_ of paris.h.i.+oners. One old widow wishes him to write to her son at the Yarmouth fis.h.i.+ng, herself being ignorant of English spelling; this old man, painfully hobbling uphill on his stick, and muttering to himself as he goes, desires the faithful pastor to come and cheer a bed-ridden wife who is failing fast; that young fisher-la.s.s will blush as she tells that her young man is on the way home to claim her as his own, with the Church's aid. Mr. Pollock is the confidential repository of all their secrets: nothing in their lives is hidden from him; he knows all of comic and tragic in their lowly careers. Along with his wife, he visits every house in the place, and from intimate knowledge can tell you, nodding his head to this or that house as he walks along, the worth or worthlessness of every native of the village. His time is so fully taken up with pure religion and undefiled, that he has no time to waste on the Higher Criticism.
A tout for some wandering minstrels recently came over from Aberdeen, meaning to leave one of his red-and-yellow bills (announcing a performance) in each of the local shops. The minister saw him as he distributed the bills, and closely followed up on his trail. Mr. Pollock entered each shop and said to the shopkeeper: ”Please let me see the bill you have there in the window.” On getting it, he would scan it, and request to get keeping it. In no shop was he refused, so that by the time he got to the end of the village, he was carrying two dozen large concert placards, while the tout, merrily whistling, and all unconscious of the nullity of his labours, was on his way back to Aberdeen. ”Lead us not into temptation,” said the minister, as he thrust the garish announcements into his study stove. None of Mr. Pollock's flock were at the concert that night. Perhaps, if any had gone, little harm would have been done. The minister, however, thought they were better at home, or at the local prayer-meeting.
Mr. Pollock's predecessor was a thin, unemotional man--a geologist--who spent an important percentage of his time chipping rocks and looking for fossils. Owing to this mania, his flock were forgotten, and came to forget _him_. No wonder if the church attendance dwindled! _Ab uno disce omnes_, as Virgil says. One day this ordained geologist had agreed to baptize a child in a hamlet some miles away, and set forth to walk to the place in good time. Unhappily, by the roadside, there was a quarry, into which, by instinct, the minister glided, keen and eager-eyed. He stayed therein for four hours, and forgot all about the infant (squalling, no doubt, in special robe, and impatient for the christening), the waiting relatives, the inevitable decanter, and the thick cuts of indigestible bun. The minister, I say, trudged home with his treasure-trove of petrified ferns and foot-marked shale--a greater fossil than any under his own cases of gla.s.s. His memory was stirred by his wife's catechising, but it was too late to undo the mischief.
MINISTERIAL TRIALS IN OLDEN TIMES.
In modern times, ministers are badly paid, considering the expenses of their training and long education, but they are better paid than they used to be. In 1756, the minister of Ferintosh, a big, active man, with the object of adding something to his stipend, leased the meal-mill of Alcaig from the laird of Culloden. The combination of miller and minister did not please his paris.h.i.+oners. It never occurred to these clowns that the occupation of miller is singularly adapted for reflection: spiritual and bodily nourishment (thought of together) might well form a field of thought fertile in instructive metaphors; ”the dark round of the dripping wheel,” the work of separating husks and flour, the topics of dearth and abundance, might all come to have a homiletic value to a serious-minded teacher of religion. But a cry of scandal, directed not against themselves for underpaying their minister, but against that worthy man for being an _ordained miller_, arose in the parish. A member of the congregation was deputed to give a gentle hint to the minister that the two occupations were incompatible. The interview took place on the high road. ”What news this morning, Thomas?”
said the minister. ”Have you not heard of the fearful news?” said Thomas. ”No, what is it?” ”Well, everybody's saying,” said Thomas, with a whisper of affected horror, ”that _the minister's wife has taken up with the big miller of Alcaig_.” The delicacy of this hint was such that the minister resigned his lease.
The trials of ministers long ago were truly great. Witches had to be reckoned with, as the aforementioned Ferintosh minister, who was their foe, knew to his cost. By their incantations they caused him to be afflicted with somnolency. As this sleepy fit usually came on in church between the first psalm and the prayer, it can be easily seen how awful were the reprisals of these Satanic hags.
AN ARTFUL DODGER.
The Rev. Mr. Rogers, minister of a parish in Fife, was, like many another worthy man, in sore financial straits at one period of his life.
He was a widower, and probably this fact accounts for his displenished exchequer. With supreme audacity he touched the bell of a rich old maiden lady, and on entering her boudoir he bluntly admitted his lack of funds, and said, ”Give me 200 and I'll marry you.” She gave him the money, and for months after never saw his face. Finally she wrote asking an interview. He came, and she tartly said, ”Did you not say, Mr.
Rogers, that if I gave you 200, you would marry me?” ”Certainly I did,”
said the cunning minister, ”and _I'm ready to marry you whenever you produce your man: where is he_?” This anecdote shows the difficulty of being unambiguous when speaking English, and furnishes an argument for the adoption of French as the language of courts.h.i.+p as well as of diplomacy.
The same foxy ecclesiastic wished two things, both of which his heritors flatly refused: (a) a new manse, and (b) a site with a wide prospect. Finding them intractable, he professed humility, and craved merely a species of scaffolding to b.u.t.tress up one of the walls of the old manse. The heritors marvelled a little at the strange request, but, glad of being saved from the cost of a new building, authorised the buying of some st.u.r.dy joists to prop up a wall that the minister averred was off the plumb. No sooner was the b.u.t.tressing timber in position than Mr. Rogers appeared with a violent complaint in the Sheriff Court, declaring that the manse was like to fall about his ears, and that the heritors had palpably admitted the danger by erecting a scaffold. The Sheriff expressed strong disapproval of the heritors' stinginess, and ordered them to get a new manse built for the minister. Now as to the site! To spite Mr. Rogers, the heritors determined to deprive him of a good view, and directed the St. Andrews builder to erect the new manse down in the valley on a broad bank by a burnside. The master-builder placed pegs and marks in the ground at the prescribed place and returned to St. Andrews, telling his workmen to proceed next day to begin the work, and mentioning that they would know the site by marks he had placed there. At c.o.c.kcrow the minister was afoot, busy transferring the pegs to the summit of a lovely knoll. The tradesmen came out to the country, and looking for the site found it on the hill-top and began their work. After they had been a week or more on the walls, out from St. Andrews came the master to see how his men were progressing. He came near a complete collapse when he saw his men on the hill instead of in the valley. He spoke winged words to them, but it was too late. In such fas.h.i.+on did Mr. Rogers outwit his heritors. I regret that no literary relics of this acute divine are to be had. He seems to have been in his way a kind of Higher Critic judging from a remark he made on the Ark: ”How did you manage,” he said, as if addressing Noah in person, ”how did you manage to keep the first plank of your boat from getting rotten before the last was nailed on, if you actually took 120 years to put the whole thing together?”
SOME ANECDOTES FROM GIGHA.
The late minister of Gigha, a small island community of 360 souls off the coast of Kintyre was a cleric of great humour and full of stories.
His church was the only one in the island, a fact of which he was proud.
At a communion service, a minister from the mainland, struck off a monumental phrase in one of his prayers. He said ”Thou hast shown, O Lord, Thy confidence in Thy servant, the devout minister of Gigha, for lo! out of the plent.i.tude of Thy great mercy Thou has seen fit _to give him an island all to himself_.” I have heard and do in part believe it, that the effect of such a supplication in Gaelic is overpoweringly strong.
This same minister ”of the island,” whose digestion I may say, was so perfect that he could triumphantly absorb strong tea and poached eggs as a regular midnight meal, told me one night over this collation, the story of a fisherman in one of the Western Islands, whose prayer before going to sea was of a singular character. He invariably addressed the Deity as _Sibshe_ (You) instead of the ordinary _Thusa_ (Thou). On one occasion, when the weather was squally and danger was antic.i.p.ated, he prayed thus: ”O Lord G.o.d, my Beloved, if You would be so good as to take the care of Mary and Jessie, my daughters; but that She-Devil, my wife, the daughter of Peter Macpherson, I am indifferent about her: she will have another husband before I am eaten by the crabs!”
Here follows another well-known story from the same authority. A Lowlander, taking a week's sail on one of Macbrayne's cargo-boats stepped ash.o.r.e, on Sunday morning, at a remote insular port, to attend church, as was fit and proper. The text was the well-known verse ”Can the Ethiopian change his skin or the leopard his spots?” The minister, strange to say, preached a long and painfully vivid sermon on _leprosy_.
The tourist waited, after sermon, in order to talk with the minister and quietly remonstrate with him. He said: ”You gave us an excellent discourse to-day, but do you think it followed quite appropriately from the text: surely you are aware that a _leopard_ and a _leper_ are two different things.” The minister, eying the tourist with a look of indignant scorn for a second, lifted up his voice and denounced him thus: ”Out of my sight with you: I know what you are; you are one of these pestilent fellows called Higher Critics. Begone!”
In the Long Island, it is an article of fixed belief among the stricter Presbyterians that Catholics are outside any scheme of salvation.
Episcopalians, too, are regarded as being in an extremely dubious position. Any stick, however, is good enough to beat the partisans of the Pope. ”Brethren,” said a minister near Stornoway, ”I have forgotten my sermon to-day: but _I'll just say a word or two against the Catholics_.” Such a philippic, he seemed to think, could never be out of season.
Denunciation has always been a favourite method of the religious bigot.
If the various sects of the Christian Church, could go on their way, ameliorating the world, and leaving each other in peace, the millennium would be within reasonable distance. I heard a U.F. say to a Wee Free: ”Donald, you'll no' gang to Heaven, _because I'm bad_.” The sentence is good enough for an epigram. Unfortunately, too many of our sectaries think it the prime virtue of their faith to run down their neighbours.
GROWING POPULARITY OF RUSKIN.
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