Part 28 (1/2)

31 And I have, at tiard to the infinite value of life and consciousness, and of my intellectual and hts and feelings with regard to the lower animals, as the creatures of God, oodness, and wisdom, and power; and as sharers with me of an infinite Father's love And I love them as I never loved them in my earlier days I feel happier in their cos of birds, and gaze withThe earth and its inhabitants are new to me The plants and flowers are new The universe is new I as are new It seeher life of which I have becoe experience, orth the fearful price which I have paid for it

32 But then again I think of the time I spent in sin and folly,--of the rief I caused to so ood and Godly souls,--of the sorrows I entailed on those es under which I labor, and under which I must always labor, in consequence of my unaccountable errors, and I am confounded and dismayed But then, on the other hand, I am reminded that I did not sin wilfully,--that I did not err purposely or wantonly,--that what I did anorance,--that I verily believed myself in the way of duty when I went astray,--that I was influenced by a desire to know the truth,--that I believed myself, at the outset, bound as a Christian, and as a creature of God, to usethe Scriptures, and exploring Nature, in pursuit of truth,--that when I advocated infidel views, I advocated the that truth must be most conducive to the virtue and happiness of ainst me; but I felt myself bound, even when an unbeliever, to ”walk by faith,”--by faith in principles which I supposed myself to have found to be true My life, even in my worst condition, was a life of self-sacrifice for what I regarded as eternal truth When I gave up my belief in a Fatherly God, and my faith in a blessed i a sacrifice at the shrine of truth I thought I heard her voice fro the surrender, and conscience compelled me to comply with the demand I felt the dreadful nature of the sacrifice, but what could I do?

I reled eitated my soul, on that occasion I was distressed at the terrible necessity of giving up the cherished idols of ht at the thought that I was doing my duty in compliance with the stern demands of eternal law, and the dread realities of universal being And I hoped against hope that the result would all be right

I hen I read the strange words which I uttered on that dark and terrible occasion I said to one The doctrines of a personal God, and of a future life, I a, not of the understanding, but of the iination and affections” It is no easycherished illusions It is no easy matter to believe that doctrines which have been al and so generally regarded as essential to the virtue and happiness of hty influences with so much of the beautiful and sublime in human history, and which still, to so many, forrandeur and blessedness of human life, have no foundation in truth To persons who believe in a Fatherly God, and in hu It was always so to led horror and pity hich, when a Christian, I regarded the man who had no personal God, and no hope of a future life I remember too horote or spoke of such I mourned over thes Yet I rees, after a thousand struggles, and with infinite reluctance, to the dread conclusion, that a personal God and an immortal life are fictions of the human mind Yet existence has not quite lost its charrand, and unspeakably exciting and elevating in the consciousness of havingof all illusions, out of respect to truth It was an enviable state ofexclah the heavens should fall” And that state of mind is no less enviable which can sustain a man in the sacrifice of God and immortality at the shrine of truth Such a sacrifice, accompanied, as it must be in the present state of society, with a thousand other sacrifices of reputation, friendshi+ps, popular pleasures, and social favor, is an exercise of the highest virtue, a denanimity, and is accompanied or folloith an intensity of satisfaction which none but the martyr-spirit of truth can conceive It is often said by Christians, that the reason why persons doubt the existence of God and a future life is, that they have good cause to dread them; or, as Grotius expresses it, that they live in such a way that it would be to their interest that there should be no God or future life This was not the case within all things to do God's will My virtue outlived my faith

”Born of Methodist parents, and reared under Christian influences, and a Christian myself, and even a Christian ht slowly and reluctantly, in spite of a world of prejudices, and in spite of interests and associations and tastes all but alhty in their influence, to the conclusion, that pure, unmixed Naturalism alone accorded as known of the present state and the past history of the universe I say I was brought to these conclusions in spite of a world of opposing influences While a Christian, all that the world could promise or bestow seemed to be within my reach Friends, popularity, wealth, power, fame; and visions of infinite usefulness to others, and of unbounded happiness to myself in the future, were all promised me as the reward of continued devotion to the cause of God and Christianity As the reward of heresy and unbelief, I had to encounter suspicion, desertion, hatred, reproach, persecution, want, grief of friends and kindred, anxious days and sleepless nights, and aluish Still, inquiry forced ht th to the extreht ave up e in , hasty freak It was the result of long and serious thought--of uided, but honest, conscientious study And hence I have soht, and am still inclined to think, that God had a hand in thethat strange and sorrowful road, and to pass through those dreary and dolorous scenes, and drink so deeply of so dreadful a cup of sorrow, for soood end ”He maketh the wrath of man to praise Hiood account I am not disposed to believe thatI know, prove to have been a great success ”Men are educated largely by their mistakes,” says one It hardly seeh weak and erring child, to ruin either hiood, and the future will justify His ways, and all His saints shall praise Him

My business meanwhile is, to do what I can to promote the interests of truth, and the welfare of mankind I must, so far as possible, redeeratitude, and none for coeneral; as happy as I desire to be, and as happy, I expect, as it is good for me to be I sometimes feel as if I were _too_ happy And I certainly never ask God to make me _more_ happy I ask Him to make me wiser, and better, and more useful, but not e it should be so, yet so it is But joy and sorrow are often found in co” The author of _Ecce Deus_ says, ”The good hout his life he suffers on account of his sins What, then of joy?” he asks: and he answers, ”It is contemporaneous with sorrow They are inseparable The joy that is born of sorrow is the only joy that is enduring” It e, but it is true, the last year of my life has been the happiest I ever experienced

CHAPTER XX

A FEW OF THE LESSONS I HAVE LEARNED ON MY WAY THROUGH LIFE

And now for a few of the lessons which I have learned on h life

1 One, alas! is, that it is very difficult to bring young people to benefit by the experience of their elders It would be a happy thing if we could put oldthe operation has, as yet, been hit upon It ht answer as well, if old

But this is a task alenerally full of foolish thoughts, and vain conceits, and wild dreams of what they are to be, and do, and enjoy in the days to coe admixtures at times of more objectionable materials; so that there is no room for the counsels and admonitions of their elders

Then there are some who do not _like_ to be counselled or ad set their minds on the attain to listen to any but such as coe them with promises of success There are others who think they have no need of counsel or adh for soine They do not exactly think thes of a superior order, beyond the reach of ordinary dangers; but they _act_ as if they thought so In words they would acknowledge themselves to be but men, liable to the common frailties of their race; but their conduct seems to say, ”It is impossible _we_ should ever err or sin as some men do; we are better constructed, and are born to a happier lot” Their purpose is to do right, and it never enters theirAnd if you tell the intereat error or sin, they feel hurt, and say, ”Do you suppose we are dogs that we should do such things?” Dogs or not, when the time of trial comes, they do them

And then they discover, thatas they suppose themselves; that people may be the subjects of weaknesses of which they are utterly unconscious, till assailed by some unlooked for temptation; and they mourn at the last, and say, ”How have we hated instruction, and despised the counsel of the Holy One” And now they see that the strongest need a stronger one than themselves to shi+eld theuide them, if they are to be kept from harm

We have no disposition to be severe with such persons, for we belonged to the same unhappy class ourselves It never once entered our minds in our earlier days, that we could ever fall away froer, but we never supposed ere in danger ourselves We preached from the text, ”Let him that thinketh he standeth, take heed lest he fall,” and we pressed the solereatest earnestness; but we never applied it to ourselves We supposed ourselves secure And if any one had told us that we should one day cease to be a Christian, and above all, if any man had said that we should fall into unbelief, and be ranked with the opponents of Christianity, we should have thought him insolent or mad Yet we knohat followed We cannot therefore deal harshly with our too self-confident brethren But we uard,friends You are not so free froer, as your conscious innocence, or the great deceiver, may insinuate There may be tendencies to evil within you, and temptations in the mysterious world around you, of the character and force of which you have no conception It was as great and good a man as you perhaps that said,

”Weaker than a bruised reed, Help I every moment need”

And he ise that said,--

”Beware of Peter's words, Nor confidently say, 'I never _will_ deny thee, Lord;'

But, 'Grant I never may'”

There are devices of the wicked one of which you are not yet aware; ”depths of Satan” which you have not yet fathomed; and terrible possibilities of which, as yet, you have never dreah-minded, but fear” ”Blessed is the man that feareth always” None are so weak as those who think theer as those who think thereat, so wise, so strong, as some are prone to suppose: and when, cut off from Christ and His people, from the Bible and prayer, he trusts in his own resources, he is poor, and weak, and frail in the extreradation, into which the lawless self-reliant man may not fall When I had lost my faith in Christ, and had freed myself from all restraints of Bible authority and Church discipline, I said tohis soul full scope, tends naturally to beco else” I had coood--that, when freely and fully developed, apart froion, churches and books, he would becooodness, and happiness I said to myself, ”Christ was but a man; and the reason why He so much excelled all other ard to the traditions of the elders, the law of Moses, or any authority but that of His own untrammelled mind I will follow the same course I will free myself from the prejudices of s, and froions, and be uide I will act with regard to the religion of Christ, as Christ acted with regard to the religion of Moses; obey it, abolish it, or modify it, as its different parts ard to the Church authorities of ard to the Scribes and Pharisees of His day; I will set them aside I will be a man; a free, self-ruled, and self-developed man”

Alas, I little knew the terrible possibilities of the nature of man when left to itself I had no conception of its infinite weakness with regard to what is good, or its fearful capabilities with regard to what is bad

I had no idea of the infinite amount of evil that lay concealed in the human heart, ready, when unrepressed, to unfold itself, and take all horrible fored myself in my mad experiments of unlimited freedom till appalled by the melancholy results I did not become _all_ that unchecked license could make me; but I became so different a creature from what I had anticipated, that I saw the e of all evil God had mercy on me and held me back in spite of my impiety, or I should have become a monster of iniquity Man was not made for unlimited liberty He was made for subjection to the Divine will, and for obedience to God's law He washis fellow-men, and for subreat and happy only by faith in God and Christ, by self-denial, by good society, by careful ious culture, and by constant prayer and dependence on God I now no longer say, ”I will be a _er say, ”I will be all thatunchecked, will make me;” but, ”Let me be all that Christ and Christianity can make me Let me check all tempers at variance with the mind of Christ; and all tendencies at variance with His precepts Let the mouth of that fearful abyss which lies deep down in my nature be closed, and let the infernal fires that smoulder there be utterly sn ina life of Christ-like piety and beneficence Let all I have and all I am be a sacrifice to God in Christ, and used in the cause of truth and righteousness for the welfare of mankind”

The enemy of man has many devices In my case, as in the case of so ht” He did not say, ”Give up your work: forsake Christ; desert His Church; indulge your appetites; give yourself to selfish, sensual pleasure; free yourself froious restraint, froain, or fame, or power” On the contrary; his counsel was, ”Perfect your creed; perfect your knowledge; reform the Church; expose its corruptions; reforo back to the simplicity of Christ; return to the order of the ancient Church; pay no regard to prevailing sentiin anew Resolve on perfection; it is attainable; be content with nothing less assert your rights Be true Prove all things; hold fast to what is good, but cast ahatever you find to be evil Call no one master but Christ; and what Christ requires, ask no one but yourself Be true to your own conscience God has called you to restore the Church to its purity, to its simplicity, to its ancient power Be faithful, and fear no opposition Free inquiry must lead to truth, and truth is infinitely desirable assail error; assailbut what is of God It is God's oork you are doing; it is the world's salvation for which you are laboring; and God's own Spirit will guide you, and His poill keep you from harm” All this was true; but it was truth without the needful accompaniment of pious caution It was true, but it was truth without the needful aentleness, and of self-distrust It was truth, but it was truth put in such a form as to do the work of falsehood It was an appeal to pride, to self-conceit, to self-sufficiency It was truth presented in such a shape, as to abate the sense of etful of hts of danger, and so prepare h to aiood objects: we must be humble; we must be sensible that our sufficiency is of God; we must be conscious of our oeakness, of our own ier, and move with care, and watchfulness, and prayer We hts of the wonders ill achieve, of the services ill render to the world, and of the honor we shall gain; but cherish the feeling that God is all, and be content that He alone shall be glorified We are but earthen vessels; the excellency of the power is of God

O rieve when I think of thy early drea Like Ada no evil, and dreading no change I had been trained to piety froht Christ and Christianity were lory and joy The Church was my home To preach the Gospel, to defend God's cause, and to labor for the salvation of the world, were the delight of my life I was successful I was popular I had many friends, and was passionately beloved Wherever I went, men hailed me as their spiritual father The chapels in which I preached were crowded to their utarded me as the champion of Christianity They applauded my labors in its behalf, and testified their esteeht have applied to myself the words of Job, ”When the ear heard ave witness to ed arose and stood up Unto ave ear, and waited; and kept silence at my counsel They waited for my words as for the showers; and opened their mouths as for the latter rain I chose out their way, and sat chief, and dwelt as a king in the ar seemed to foretell a continuance of my happy lot My prejudices and my convictions, my tastes and my affections, my habits and my inclinations, my interests and my family, all joined to bind est bonds And I seemed as secure to others as to myself

Hence I looked forward to a life of ever-increasing usefulness, reflecting credit on s on e I revelled in hopes of a refor the bounds of tilorious iood then evil caht there cahts, htful prospects, all vanished I underwent a azed on ht and terror; and brave, stout ht ofwas in darkness ”I was a brother to dragons, and a co before ness And can you,friends, dreaain, I say, be on your guard An easy, dreamy self-security is the extreme of madness Our only safety is in watchfulness and prayer Our only sufficiency is of God