Part 9 (1/2)

Why is the guy not calling you back?

The Reasons You Think He's Not Calling Are Not the Real Reasons Throughout my years of coaching I've discovered that the reasons men really don't call women back are completely different from the reasons women generally suppose. These are some of the most common fallacies.

He didn't call me back because he's intimidated by me This is one of the most common misinterpretations. I've met and worked with many successful women who are so fond of this reason, they trot it out before the first date has even occurred. ”Just watch,” a woman who attended one of my seminars said after she'd traded numbers and made a date with a guy she'd met at a party. ”He'll be too intimidated by me to make this work.”

Successful women have a habit of a.s.suming that a guy can't handle their level of achievement, or that a guy is always turned off by a woman more advanced in her career than he is. But the truth is, unless a woman behaves on a date as she does in a business meeting, or aggressively interrogates a guy under the guise of conversation, most of the time men are intrigued and even turned on by a successful woman, especially one who also displays a degree of femininity, playfulness, spontaneity, and s.e.xuality.

He didn't call me back because I'm not good-looking enough If a guy has been on a date with you, he's already decided that he likes what he sees. One of the main reasons he asked you out in the first place is that there was visual chemistry. Unless he was wearing a blindfold on the day you met, he already thinks you're good-looking enough.

But it is possible that he went on the date without feeling any s.e.xual chemistry, hoping some might develop. A guy wants to feel as if he can imagine having wild s.e.x with you, which is easy to do with a girl who laughs and teases him, who's pa.s.sionate and seems comfortable with her body, or who shows that she is willing to be naughty and take herself less seriously. Most likely, he didn't call back because he didn't feel any of the s.e.xual chemistry he was hoping to find.

He didn't call me back because he's flaky and doesn't want commitment Even if a guy has already decided before the first date that he doesn't want anything serious, it doesn't mean he's going to go on a date, then suddenly disappear. Even the most dedicated bachelor enjoys having a dating life. He could go on a dozen dates with someone with whom he's having mind-blowing s.e.x, but still consider himself as someone who doesn't want commitment. Just because he doesn't want commitment doesn't mean he's going to run out after one or two dates. Besides, I can't tell you how many confirmed bachelors I've met over the years who, when they meet the right woman, stumble happily head over heels into commitment.

He didn't call me back because he was only after s.e.x In order to understand just how ridiculous this a.s.sumption is we need to be clear about two things relating to men. First, no matter what they tell you, most of them are not having regular s.e.x outside a relations.h.i.+p. Second, the guys who are having regular s.e.x are often having it with the same person.

Why is this relevant? Because-and I am sure you don't need me to convince you more about this-men are pretty big on s.e.x. They are so into s.e.x, they don't give it up when there's no reason. Especially s.e.x they enjoy.

I always laugh at the stereotype of the hit-it-and-quit-it guy, who supposedly lies in bed the morning after a night of great s.e.x thinking, Phew, I need to get out of here and never call again so that that doesn't happen again anytime soon.

My point is, a guy who gets s.e.x (especially s.e.x he likes) will call again even if it's just for the s.e.x at the end of a night. Even the biggest player will keep calling for s.e.x. The vast majority of men are not having so much s.e.x offered to them that they can afford not to call back a woman with whom they had an exciting night of pa.s.sion.

If the s.e.x was good, but perhaps the conversation wasn't, he's still going to a.s.sume you're up for a booty call. But even if the s.e.x wasn't good, everything else being equal he's probably going to call again. The great comedian Mel Brooks put it this way: For men, s.e.x is like pizza. Even if it's done bad, it's still good.

The point is that if he's not calling, it's not because of the s.e.x.

The Real Reasons He's Not Calling Men, simpletons though they may be, are surprisingly articulate when it comes to why they're not interested in pursuing a relations.h.i.+p with a woman. Many of their remarks stem from their own insecurities, but the reality is, the following are the kind of things they're thinking. If confronted, a guy might slip into vague mumbo jumbo, but when he's being up front he's likely to say one of the following: She was just nice (there was no edge, no challenge).

She was boring.

She was too aggressive.

She was too superficial.

She came across as too desperate.

She was trying too hard to impress.

She was too negative.

She's a drama queen and would be a nightmare over the long term.

There wasn't any chemistry.

While these reasons may seem all over the map, in the end it comes down to a few basic areas in which the date didn't pan out the way he'd hoped. Let's look at them in more detail.

Lack of s.e.xual chemistry A guy can go on a date and enjoy a woman's company but still not feel any real attraction. He might think you're the nicest person he's ever met, but if he doesn't feel that pull of s.e.xual energy from your teasing, flirting, and challenging him, the initial visual chemistry he felt peters out. He likes the looks of you, but something isn't working out.

Even if you have perceived value in his eyes and you've managed to connect, he still needs to experience you as a perceived challenge to feel chemistry and deep attraction. Our tendency when we go on a date is to focus on being agreeable. We try to find common topics of interest or connect on something we are pa.s.sionate about. Being nice might make you a new friend, but it won't create attraction. Being simply pleasant won't repel a guy, but it won't draw him to you, either.

To create the necessary chemistry it's also necessary to stoke the s.e.xual tension with playfulness, teasing, flirting, and breaking rapport. The guy is on the date with you because he's interested in you. But a guy can easily lose his enthusiasm if he doesn't feel a s.e.xual connection as well as an emotional one. Just being nice won't do it.

Lack of complexity ”She seemed one-dimensional” is something I often hear. This translates as only s.e.xy, only funny, only serious, or only career-minded. She's s.e.xy, but she seems superficial. She's smart and ambitious, but not playful or fun. She's a huge amount of fun! But not s.e.xy. All of these traits are great, but they're part of a whole package; alone they're not enough.

A multidimensional woman displays several sides of her personality during a date. She shows that she has serious values and is dedicated to her career but is also willing to indulge in fun adventures and silly jokes. She shows she is s.e.xy but also has cla.s.s and doesn't try to seduce everyone. She has accomplishments but she doesn't show them off; she lets him find them out for himself.

Recently I was having breakfast with a single friend of mine; he was giving me the postmortem on a date he'd been on the night before. He'd been at a nightclub the week before and slept with a girl he met on the dance floor that night.

A few days later he texted her to see if they could see each other again. ”Why don't we go to dinner?” she texted in return. He agreed, and they set up a date.

Most people would a.s.sume that after that dinner my friend would use the opportunity to get her back into bed, but after having taken her to dinner he decided that he didn't want to see her again. I was surprised.

”She was really boring. She had no strong opinions about anything; she didn't banter with me; she wasn't particularly playful. She doesn't seem to have ambitions, hobbies, or pa.s.sions. By the end of dinner I barely knew any more about her than when I started. I couldn't imagine going home with her because I don't know what we'd talk about when we weren't having s.e.x!”

If this guy couldn't envisage what they would talk about before and after s.e.x on a single evening, he surely couldn't imagine how they would ever pa.s.s the time during the day-to-day events that occur in a committed relations.h.i.+p.

The real tragedy is the misunderstanding this will create. The woman will go back to her friends and wonder why he didn't even try to take her home (even if she was planning to say no) and why he never called her again. After all, he was the one who asked to see her again, he agreed to dinner, and he picked up the check. Why had he suddenly turned into such a jerk?

Her friends are unlikely to know what she's like on a date. They probably won't realize that she bored him senseless. Chances are they'll look at the situation and say something like, ”It's probably because you slept with him too soon,” which had nothing to do with it.

Because she'll never know the real reason, she'll focus on sleeping with men too soon as the source of her pain, and maybe even form a belief that all men run away after s.e.x, rather than the fact that her personality doesn't come across well in the cold light of day.

She was needy and desperate Men have a sixth sense for a woman who gives off the vibe of needing to fill a relations.h.i.+p-shaped hole. Worse, if she is oversharing about her plans to get married as soon as possible and have children, she might as well be holding up a sign that says, ”Yes, I'm that scary. Please don't call me for another date, ever.”

It's not because a guy doesn't want all of these things, it's because he doesn't like feeling as if he's the target in your big plan of bagging an eligible male as soon as possible. Men always need to feel chosen for a unique reason. In the early stages, he wants to feel like you haven't got it all planned out. He wants to feel like anything can happen-and yes, marriage and children might, in the end, be what happens.

This is admittedly extreme. Perhaps you know better than to introduce the topic of whether you should send your future children to public or private school over appetizers, but there are other, less obvious ways of sending the message that you're a little needy.

If there's one bit of wisdom regarding men that all women should embed into their psyches now and forever, it's this: men love complimenting women, but hate rea.s.suring them.

If a guy compliments you, just smile and thank him. You can even say, ”Why, thank you!” in a way that conveys that you're a little bit surprised to hear this, but that's it. This is the only high-value way to respond to a compliment. Accept it graciously.

A never-to-be-broken rule: don't reject his compliment. If he says you look s.e.xy in the morning, don't respond with ”G.o.d no, I look disgusting like this.”

If he says you look hot in that skirt, don't make him repeat it. Neediness rears its unattractive head because we feel grateful that someone is complimenting us, as opposed to accepting that we deserved the compliment. Our insecurity may compel us to ask, ”Oh, do you really think so?” in the hopes of wringing more validation out of the compliment. It's awkward and a turnoff, and you never want to seem too grateful that a man is saying something nice to you.

Topics to Avoid on a First Date When you're a high-value woman, your conversation needs to bear this out. As Benjamin Franklin observed, ”Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.”

But sometimes we don't really know what that wrong thing is, or nerves get the best of us and we blurt out what we're thinking. Many of us repeat the same bad conversational habits during dates for years, without being aware that we're turning off a guy who might otherwise grow to love us.

Never dish about your ex If you find yourself straying into anecdotes about your ex, swiftly cut yourself off. Even if it's lighthearted or relevant to the situation, the fact that your ex is a viable topic of conversation will spell disaster for any man you're trying to attract.

Never rant about your ex and how much you can't stand him. You may think you're showing it's over with him, but you're doing the exact opposite. Your date will probably a.s.sume that you still have hang-ups about your ex, or that you have a load of unresolved emotional baggage that he doesn't want to take on. Worse, it may appear to a guy that you've had a string of bad relations.h.i.+ps, and he may start wondering whether the problem wasn't with your exes but with you.

Whenever we complain about an ex, we risk coming across as a victim, which is never s.e.xy or intriguing.