Part 7 (1/2)

During a seminar I coached in Los Angeles, we did the usual part of the course where my clients put the lessons of the day into practice by going out and meeting guys. One woman was a single mom, and rather than being worried that no guy would want to date a woman with kids, she used her situation to flirt.

I heard her say to one guy, ”Your dimples look like my daughter's. They are so cute.” She was totally unfazed. Here was a woman talking about her kids, but doing it in a way that made it an entirely positive opening, precluding a negative response from the guy. She was a single mom, fun to be around, s.e.xy, successful, and someone with a life. Her att.i.tude told him from the outset that he might be lucky enough to share it with her.

When we're attracted to someone who might not fit our profile of the perfect partner, it's because that person displays qualities that make them attractive, and might also defy a stereotype in the bargain. When that happens-and it does all the time-all your preconceived notions about who is your type go out the window. In that moment, the only thing you feel is attraction. Attraction has its own power that goes beyond arbitrary characteristics.

The Truth About Imperfections Beauty really is in the eye of the beholder. If we are comfortable with our imperfections, and see them as an intriguing part of the whole of who we are, then a guy will see them in the same way. Once he's attracted to you, your imperfections become not just irrelevant, but cherished.

Men and women are alike in this way: we're all looking for someone with a unique combination of qualities that make him or her like no other. When a guy discovers a woman like this, her superficial imperfections have no importance. No man has ever met a woman who makes him melt and then thought, Wow, she's the perfect woman for me. If only her hips were a little narrower and teeth a little straighter. Ah well, never mind, let's move on.

We all know someone who is not objectively good-looking but who nevertheless commands whatever room she enters. At a party, she's surrounded by people clamoring for her attention. Everyone enjoys her company and seeks her approval. She's magnetic and she makes people laugh. She makes big gestures, isn't afraid to take up s.p.a.ce, and makes people feel good in her company. She's comfortable in her own skin. We notice her not because of her looks, but because of her charisma. And charisma is the aggregate of all of the qualities in the formula, put together in a unique way to create your own unique brew of attraction.

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12.

The Art of Creating the Great Date What do most of us do on a first date? You go to some middle-of-the-road restaurant for dinner, make some light conversation, try not to eat anything that's going to get stuck in your teeth, and after two hours feel no closer to this person with whom you were feeling so excited to spend time. You feel as if you're in a bad movie, because it all feels artificial and awkward. You don't really feel comfortable with the person you're sharing a meal with-h.e.l.l, you may have had only one brief, c.o.c.ktail-enhanced conversation with him and now you're suddenly spending an entire evening in his company, awkwardly sitting face-to-face.

Only after the waiter has brought the menu does it occur to you that you've signed up for three hours of impersonating someone on a date. Is there any s.e.xual chemistry here, any way to establish connection? Who knows? Your main goal has been reduced to not saying something stupid.

Earlier, I made my position clear about formal dates. I don't even think we should call them dates. I prefer the term ”meet-up,” as in ”I'm going to meet up with that guy I met at my cousin's birthday party.”

It's Not You, It's the Date: Why Dinner and a Movie Doesn't Work We need to stop treating dates as if they were a big deal where we get dressed up and plot an entire, endless evening of that creaky cliche that features drinks, dinner, and a movie.

I'm not against a date that involves drinking, eating, or moviegoing per se, but we need to start thinking casually. The old-school formal dinner date has so many drawbacks, it's a wonder that people have stuck with it for so long.

The standard formal date rarely works for a number of reasons: It's uninspired On a first date you want to show a guy what makes you different from anyone else. A dinner date is business as usual, so the occasion doesn't promise anything memorable. He's been on dozens of dinner dates. Make him know you are different.

There's a good chance that this bad idea was his idea. You can him help recover from his lack of imagination by challenging him to be more creative. Tell him you've been working so hard lately and are feeling the need for something out of the ordinary-it doesn't have to be complicated. Maybe you suggest taking a walk along the river or going to the new Harley dealers.h.i.+p to look at motorcycles. Then you can follow up with a playful challenge: ”If you've got any good ideas let me know!” In this way you're also subtly communicating your standards. You're not just any woman to be dropped on the drinks-and-dinner date a.s.sembly line.

Alternatively, you can invite him along to something you've already got planned. ”A few friends and I are going to this book launch tomorrow. Come with us!” Even though the guy asked you out on the date, you can lead him around to what you want to do by offering him a better alternative. Don't worry that he's going to feel rejected because you turned down his suggestion. You haven't said no to the date, you've just shown that you're high value and confident enough to express a preference for what you'd like to do. Besides which, most guys offer the dinner date only because they are being lazy and think it's a safe bet. With a little prompting on your end, you show him that he needs to try harder.

You have little chance to be your best self The formal dinner date usually requires you put on ”nice” clothes to which you may not necessarily be accustomed, then sit directly opposite each other and try to make conversation. It conjures up that horrible job-interview atmosphere, in which both parties trade interview-style questions back and forth, then judge each other's performance. What's more, you don't have much of a chance to behave in a way that increases your value. Even going for a walk through the park with an ice cream cone offers more of a chance for spontaneity and allows for the opportunity to share the more appealing parts of yourself.

You have no opportunity for casual physical contact Sitting opposite a guy doesn't encourage touching, which removes one avenue for building chemistry and connection. This is why you both feel awkward at the end of the date, and you're not sure whether to kiss. During the date, if you haven't become comfortable touching in a light, playful way that feels natural, the idea of kissing will feel as if you're going from zero to ninety miles per hour. A good date should feel as if your physical intimacy is progressing until the kiss feels inevitable.

It's not flexible The dinner date generally has to last for a few hours, during which you're at the mercy of the rhythms of the meal. After the first course, no matter how bad it's going, it's unlikely that one of you will bail. If things are going well, you are forced into a static interaction rather than a dynamic one. You're imprisoned until the check arrives.

The success of a date has absolutely nothing to do with the amount of time you spend together. A great date can be a twenty-minute breakfast before work or a ten-hour day starting with a picnic and ending with stargazing in a field. What matters is the connection and chemistry you feel on the date. You also want to be left wanting more of each other, not feeling like you've just pa.s.sed an endurance test. Doing something engaging and out of the ordinary gives you both the best chance to explore whether there is s.e.xual chemistry worth pursuing.

The Great Date Many of us try to simply get through the first date. It's like enduring a turbulent flight; we pray, just get me through this, just get me through this. We try to avoid having a bad date, instead of focusing on having a great date.

This is where building a life you love pays off. Remember how while you were busy finding guys and meeting guys, you were also building your social circle, which included exploring your interests and pa.s.sions? You were making a life that excited you and would eventually excite your guy.

When your lifestyle is a full and a key part of who you are, you don't have to scratch your head wondering where to go on a first date. You already have interesting activities and social events, so you can invite your guy to join in.

You can ask him to come to your regular happy hour, where he'll both meet your friends and also have a chance to see you as the most popular person in the room. If you're both really into wine, tell him he should come along to a wine tasting you're going to next week. If you're both into art, tell him about a new exhibit you are going to see and invite him along.

A date doesn't have to be the two of you going it alone in an intense one-on-one environment. It can also be about bringing a guy into your world and seeing how it goes. This way you're able to interact with him in a more natural way, as well as see how he gets along with your friends and whether he's able to share your interests. You'll get a chance to see what it would be like to hang out with this person in everyday life.

You don't need to surround yourself with your friends on your date, but the point is that a date doesn't have to be an enormous, stilted, time-consuming event that feels separate from your normal life. The women who attend my seminars who say they don't have time to date obviously don't mean they don't have time for love. What they mean is they don't have time for a weekly or biweekly extravaganza, where they spend a few days prior to the date worrying about the perfect restaurant, stressing about the conversation, then an hour and a half deciding what to wear and putting on their makeup.

When we adopt a more casual mindset, it's much easier to imagine meeting up with a person we like. If you're having a busy, stressful week and you don't want to spend a whole evening on a date, then don't! Remember, longer dates don't equal better dates. The only purpose of a date is to connect with a guy to see whether he's someone with whom you want to spend more time and someone who lives up to your standards.

Where, then, might a great date take place? The zoo. An art gallery. A food festival. Go bike riding or hiking. Fly a kite on the beach. Have a picnic in the park. Take in some local tourist attraction that you've wanted to see: How many New Yorkers make a point of going to the top of the Empire State Building?

What matters most isn't where we go or what we do, but that we choose a setting where we have the best chance to create a memorable date. A date should be a preview of how fun and intriguing life with you will be.

When He's Leading the Way Sometimes you've found yourself a man-with-a-plan, and there's going to be no way to dissuade him from the deadly drinks-dinner-movie date. If there's no way around it, do your best to create great conversation using the techniques discussed in part one. At some point, however, if the first few dates go well, even the guy who likes to arrange the dates will be turned on by the idea of a woman who takes the reins and shows him something new.

During a busy week, one in which you don't have time for a full-blown date, text him and say, ”Listen, I'm having a tough week but it would be great to catch up. How about we grab an ice cream at this place near my office after work? You have to try their salted caramel sundae!” Now it's not a big deal that you've arranged the date, because you've arranged it around the fact that the place has great ice cream. And the great thing is that this date is so casual that it doesn't have to last more than thirty minutes, and you can do it on the way home from work. Dating has to become a part of our lifestyle, not something completely separate from it.

The Golden Rules of the Great Date The most important part of any date is not where you go, but what you do when you get there.

Connect, don't interview I've already discussed the importance of being able to initiate and sustain an interesting, dynamic conversation. A date is all about seeking values rather than facts.

Let's say your meet-up is at an art gallery. It's tempting to converse about the pieces in front of you, and certainly that's part of the flow, but this is also an excellent opportunity to connect more deeply with your date. You might ask something like, ”Which would you rather be: a great musician, a great painter, or a great writer?” Whichever he answers, ask him why. It's going to tell you something about him and what he values.

If the question sounds a little offbeat, that's good; this is the kind of conversation that makes a date memorable. Great conversation isn't rocket science, it's about creating an exchange of thoughts and feelings that make you stand apart from everyone else.

Good conversationalists get other people to open up and talk about what's meaningful to them. These quirky, speculative questions that are half playful and half serious have a way of allowing us insight into someone's true nature. Asking a guy, ”What's your job?” tells us nothing compared to asking, ”Why do you love your job?”

The advantage to this approach is that you find out the things you really want to know about someone much quicker than if you stuck with polite chitchat. Also, the quicker a guy feels like he can truly be himself around you, the more attracted he's going to be. Ask questions that might seem a bit cheeky: ”What's the geekiest thing about you?” ”What TV star do you have a secret crush on?” Getting him comfortable and laughing is much more important than trying to be cool. Every guy secretly loves when he can let someone into his weird little world, instead of having to hide it and pretend to be Mr. Smooth all the time. Be the girl who helps him to feel comfortable with who he really is.

Generate emotional spikes Part of what makes a date memorable is how emotionally invested we find ourselves.

A great date should feel like a mini-adventure. You can draw the guy into antic.i.p.ating the date by creating playful expectations. ”If you don't like the dessert at this place, we're no longer friends!” you might say. Or if you're on a date to the zoo, you can take his arm and say, ”I am terrified of anything with scales. You can only come if you promise to wrestle down any dangerous alligators with your bare hands.” You've set up the dynamic that he has to protect you, and you can tease him by referring back to it, ”I hope you've brought your tranquilizer gun. That crocodile just gave me a funny look. I might have to hide behind you.” This behavior is silly and playful, but it gives you an excuse to joke around, make physical contact, and enjoy heightened emotion.

Another way to create emotionally memorable dates is to try something new together. Go skiing at a new place. Take a kayaking cla.s.s. Sign up for an introductory cha-cha lesson or an Italian cla.s.s-something that involves more investment than eating dinner and sitting in a movie theater.

Mind you, I love movies, and some of my best dates have been sitting at home watching a film, but at the beginning of a relations.h.i.+p the goal is to get under each other's skin. Sitting shoulder to shoulder in a movie theater may allow for some awkward hand-holding but doesn't give you much opportunity to create an emotional connection. It doesn't let you make easy physical contact, or create s.e.xual tension and tease, or show off different sides of your personality and lifestyle; it hinders all of those things we want to do on a date that make us memorable.

A date should have a rhythm If you're going out for a few hours or more, try hopping around to different venues. Go for a walk in the park, then to a coffee shop. Go check out the new exhibit at a museum, then find a place to shoot some pool. The date is more memorable because you're constantly changing the vibe; sometimes things are slow and intimate, sometimes fast and exciting.

Different kinds of dates allow us to share the different sides of our personalities. Variety helps us to feel closer to someone than if we simply keep going to that same bar, ordering the same drinks, then heading to the same restaurant every Friday night.

One date might show your sophistication. Another might show that you're sociable and have great friends. Another might be adventurous and show your spontaneity. Another might reveal your domestic side. The goal of dating, in addition to learning whether he meets your standards, is to show him that you are someone he could live and be comfortable with in a number of different circ.u.mstances. The fun part is, just when he thinks he's got you figured out, suddenly you show him another side he's never seen before.

Show him that you have a lifestyle he wants to buy into Another reason I'm against run-of-the-mill dates is because they make us seem run-of-the-mill. When a guy becomes deeply attracted to a woman, he's enticed not just by her, but also by the life she leads, and he wants to be part of it.