Part 5 (1/2)

By asking questions that lead a guy to talk about his interests or pa.s.sions, you've accomplished two things. You open up the conversation so he can ask similar questions of you and in turn get to know you as well. It also creates a chance for him to experience a rush of positive feelings, which he'll then a.s.sociate with talking to you. Connection occurs because he begins to see you as someone who brings out different parts of him. He feels as if he's shared something personal with you that he probably doesn't even share with his friends.

And by the way, if these questions feel like they are coming out of the blue, just say, ”A friend asked me an interesting question the other day.” Your ”friend,” whether she exists or not, is one of your best wingwomen when it comes to making conversations.

How to see if he shares your values During the first conversation you have with a guy, your primary task is see if you have any chemistry. Is there that spark that encourages you to get to know him better? Do you want to reveal more of yourself to him? The presence of this spark requires more than someone who pushes your b.u.t.tons s.e.xually; you also find him exciting upon discovering he shares your values.

Let's say one of your requirements for a boyfriend is that he share your love of adventure. Maybe you love to travel and visit exotic locations, or maybe you're a thrill seeker and want to visit strange and even dangerous places. In that case, you're going to need someone adventurous.

During that first conversation, dive in. Ask, ”If you could wake up anywhere in the world tomorrow, where would it be?” Or, ”If you could drop everything and hop on a plane, where would you go?”

Most women would wait until the first date (or even second or third) to discover whether the guy shared her love of travel and adventure. But why wait? If we are not using conversation to dig and see if there's connection, we are wasting our time.

Other Ways to Make the Conversation Great So now that you are a good conversationalist, there's one pretty big problem: any constructive conversation requires two people, and chances are good that the guy is still stuck in the small-talk rut.

There is one surefire principle that every good conversationalist knows: obvious questions don't require obvious answers.

What have you been up to? Where are you from? What do you do for a living? Just because a lot of the guys you meet resort to these conversation-killing questions doesn't mean you have to give the obvious answers.

Let's say a guy asks how your day was, you could either respond the way everyone else does, ”Good, thanks.” Or you can turn the question on its ear and in doing so send the conversation into a more interesting direction.

Build intrigue: ”I feel great,” you might say. ”I solved a big problem today so I'm in a good mood.” (He's going to want to know what the problem you solved was.) Pose a more interesting question: ”I've been consumed with a question my friend asked me. Would you rather your partner sleep with someone else, or fall in love with someone else? What do you think?” (Wow, what does he think?) Get mock-serious: ”I feel amazing. I've got this new iPhone and it's completely changed my whole life. I'm 50 percent more trendy. But I need more apps so I can look cool. What's the best one to download?”

Tease him: ”I'm awesome. I've just been telling my friend how this new shampoo has made my hair softer than ever. Everyone keeps asking me what my secret is.” Then if he tries to feel your hair, withdraw quickly and jokingly say, ”No! You're not allowed to touch it.” Alternatively, let him touch it and say, ”That'll be ten dollars.”

We can't control what other people say, but we can always control our responses to them. You can turn the most overused question of all time (What have you been up to?) into any kind of conversation you'd like to have. You don't even have to mention your day at all. You could just say, ”I've been really excited for the last two weeks-I'm going to Africa next month,” which allows you to talk about something that both excites you and conveys that you're a woman with an interesting life. The boring stuff that goes on in our regular day just doesn't matter.

People only ever ask each other, ”How was your day?” because they can't think of anything else to say. Apart from our mothers and our best friends, no one gives the slightest c.r.a.p what happened in our day, especially when they meet us for the first time.

Get the Date I'm not a fan of the formal date. The traditional dinner-and-a-movie is rigid and uninspired, not to mention agonizing. The two of you are forced to sit across from each other and eat without spilling anything on yourselves or letting the conversation flag.

We need a looser interpretation of the word ”date.” I suggest we all start thinking of it as a meet-up instead. A meet-up can be as casual or as formal as we want. Unlike a date, a meet-up doesn't have to last an entire evening. A good meet-up can be as short as thirty minutes.

You could have a meet-up for Sunday brunch, or just trying the ice cream in that cute place that's opened near where you work. It could be bringing him along to something you're doing with friends: ”I'm going to this picnic/music gig/comedy event/zoo. You should come!”

When we think of dating in more informal terms, it removes the pressure of arranging a date. If you're now creating s.e.xual tension, chemistry, and connection in your conversations, the transition to a date will become a natural part of the connection.

Suppose you're at a get-together chatting with a guy and it's going great, and your friend comes up and says, ”We're leaving now. Come on, let's go.” You want to make sure you get this guy's phone number before you are dragged off and lose the opportunity, but now you're in the awkward position of having to ask for his number straight out. So what can you do to make it easier?

Sowing the seeds of a meet-up Generally, you know pretty quickly during an exchange with a guy whether you'd like to spend more time with him. There's always the chance that something might happen further along in the conversation to turn you off, but the best way to clear the way for the date is to plant the idea early in the interaction. This makes the eventual exchange of numbers easier because now you have a reason to ask for his information.

You're not actually asking for a date, you're just floating the idea of a meet-up, usually in a half-serious, playful manner.

YOU: ”All the guys I know keep telling me to see [insert t.i.tle of popular guy movie here] but I haven't seen it yet. Is it really that good?” (Bonus points here for displaying your interest in a movie that appeals to him.) THE GUY: ”No, I haven't, but I want to.”

YOU: ”We might be the only people left on planet earth who haven't seen it yet! We should go!”

THE GUY: ”Sounds like an idea.”

YOU: ”But wait, are you a popcorn- or ice-cream-at-the-movies sort of person?” (Giving him a test.) THE GUY: ”Gotta have popcorn at the movies. With b.u.t.ter.”

YOU: ”Okay, you can come! If you said ice cream I'd have to uninvite you.” (He pa.s.sed!) Then, just leave it at that. You haven't made specific plans, but you've seeded the idea of going on a date, and also created more excitement and connection by testing him.

Even though you're being playful, what it communicates to the guy is that while you've suggested meeting up, he hasn't got you yet. It's irrational, but his brain still registers that he has had that test to pa.s.s. This way, you're the one bringing up the idea of meeting up, yet it's still going to be a challenge for him.

One step forward, one step back This next bit of advice is going to feel a little difficult to pull off. You'll suddenly get nervous and think, This guy seems great-I don't want to scare him off. This is what most of us do when we feel attracted to someone. We want to be accommodating and nice, and clear every obstacle along the way to a potential relations.h.i.+p. We feel that if we're challenging in any way, we might blow it. But it's precisely these little challenges that convey to a guy that you're a high-value woman worth pursuing. He's going to find you intriguing because you have standards. This is where we pull all of the pieces together.

I want to step back for a moment. When I first started my business I would rush to take any gig. I made myself available at all times. Slowly, my schedule started to become full, and I simply couldn't accept every job that came my way, or I would have to make the new client wait until I could fit them into my schedule. Without understanding what I was doing, I was creating value for my time and services. Once I stopped saying yes to everything, my value increased and demand for my time grew. Not being too available actually increased demand and respect for my time.

In relations.h.i.+ps, simply not being available at every moment places value on your time. Let him know that you are available, but not at any moment. You may like this guy a lot, but don't go out of your way to be available to him. I am not talking about playing hard-to-get or playing mind games. Since you have high standards, you want to make sure that he understands that although you are giving him your number you aren't going to automatically be available to him whenever he calls.

Anytime you take the initiative with a guy, it's also effective to pull back a bit. You're being slightly forward, then inviting him to do more. You are letting him have your number, but you are also telling him that you're high value and that it's still possible that he could blow it. You can say something playfully arrogant like ”Okay, here's my number, but no calling me day and night telling me you miss me.” Alternatively, you can say, ”If we get along over the phone we can hang out sometime.” This shows he's got more convincing to do over the phone and makes him feel he has to earn the right to spend time with you.

Seeding the idea of a date makes the moment of actual number swapping less harrowing. You've already established something you both want to do. When it comes time to part, you can easily say something like ”Hey, I've got to go. Let me give you my number and we'll hit that film festival some time.” Or, ”I have to get back to my friends. I shouldn't even be talking to you, we're supposed to be having a girls' night out, but take my number and maybe we can do something sometime.”

Notice, the word ”date” is never mentioned. You're just meeting up. However, during the conversation you'll have built up enough chemistry and s.e.xual tension so he'll understand that it's not just going to be two buddies hanging out. Now the ball is in his court, but it makes it so simple for him. You already have the first date arranged.

What you're conveying is: I'm a busy person, but you seem fun, so let me grab your number and when we get time we'll do something. If he's the one who's taking off, then my advice would be to wait for him to ask for your number. But if you sense he's being too shy, give him your number and say to him, ”Text me your number and I'll let you know when I'm going to that film festival.”

Your tone here is casual and matter-of-fact. It works because you say it as though you were going to the festival whether he's interested or not. This is also a great frame of mind to have when you arrange a date. He is welcome to join you in your fabulous life, but you're going on with or without him.

8.

The Joy of Text Once you've traded numbers, let the texting begin!

While I'm loose about what defines a date, I'm pretty strict about texting. It's one of those things that, just because we can do it, that doesn't mean we should do it. Or rather, we should take care to do it with restraint.

Whether you've just met or have been dating for months, texts should only ever be used for two things: entertainment and logistics.

Logistics are pretty self-explanatory. You're running late; the cafe where you were going to meet is closed on Sunday; the president's in town and the street is cordoned off; the house is on fire and you have to reschedule-these are excellent reasons to pop out a text.

The other reason you should text is to create intrigue, interest, and value. Your texts should be cheeky, flirty, and fun. They should display your wit and humor, or even just bait the guy.

For example, you can message a guy saying, ”I was watching a film and just realized, you really remind me of Bruce Willis . . . xo.” But don't tell him why. When he asks why-and he will-toss out a little detail they share, like they raise their eyebrow the same way, or have an intense stare, or they both look like the kind of guy who would wear a vest, or they are both cool under pressure.

Your aim is to be either slightly complimentary or ambiguous. If it's complimentary, don't make it overly complimentary (e.g., ”because you're both so s.e.xy”). But don't make it insulting either. The best way is to make it a tongue-in-cheek compliment.

Or, send a teasing text, which is the equivalent of giving a guy a shoulder nudge. It's enough to get his attention, but in a way that makes him want to push back a little. After a date, you might text something like this: ”I just thought you should know, I saw a lot of Whitney Houston on your iPod last night. Should I be concerned? . . . xo.” Or play it the other way, and mention something that you like: ”I've never seen a man with so much '80s music on his iPod. Seriously impressed . . . xo.” This one works great because he feels like he's pa.s.sed a test he didn't know he was taking.

Texts are squibs of communication meant to spike his interest, not vehicles for endless small talk or a subst.i.tute for genuine conversation. The trick with texting is to be sparing but effective. There's no room for long essays and catching up on everything that's going on. Save that conversation for when you see him in person.

Texting a guy back and forth for hours might make you feel like you're building rapport, but this is deceptive. If you get too intimate and confessional over texting (no drunk texting!), the next time you meet up again your interaction may feel awkward because now you'll have a connection and intimacy in your text relations.h.i.+p that you don't possess in real life.

The Text You Never Want to Send In the same way our conversations can boring, so can people's autopilot text conversation. One of the worst texts to send anyone is ”I'm so bored. What u been up to? xo.”