Part 16 (1/2)
”_Mr. Hook._--I 'aven't got nothin' to say honly I vos wery 'ungry and vas a lookin' along in the market ven I 'appened to see the heels vot this 'ere hold c.o.c.k 'ad. Sez I to m'self, sez I, now, I'll hax the price and mebbee the hole voman may vant von if they's cheap. Vell, I 'appened t'ave a 'ook and line in my coat, vich I spose haccidentally got ketched in von of the heels, and ven I left to go and tell the hole voman 'ow cheap they vas, it 'ung on to the 'ook.
”_Judge._--That's a pretty story to tell me. Do you suppose I am going to believe it?
”_Mr. Hook._--On the honor of a gentleman that vas the vay it 'appened.
”_Judge._--At any rate, I shall send you up for three months.
”_Mr. Hook._--Bust me, I honly vish you 'ad to try it three months yourself, you vouldn't think it vas quite so funny.
”Mr. Palmerston Hook was conducted below.
”Another interesting feature of the proceedings during the morning grew out of the case of Mr. Wallabout Warbler, whose name was the last called.
”Mr. Warbler had reached the last stages of shabby gentility. Time had told sadly on his garments, originally of fine material and fas.h.i.+onable cut. His black, curly hair was whitened out by contact with whitewash, and his nose had become a garden for the culture of blossoms by far more common than they are proper. But Mr. Warbler, despite the reverses which he had evidently suffered, stood proudly and gracefully erect. If the external man was in a state of dilapidation, the spirit still was unhurt. He smiled gracefully when the Judge addressed him and told him that he was charged with having been arrested in a state of drunkenness.
”Officers Clinch and Holdem were the witnesses against Mr. Warbler. They stated substantially that about one o'clock that morning they found Mr.
Warbler standing in a garbage-barrel, on the edge of the sidewalk, extemporizing doggerel to an imaginary audience. They insisted upon his stopping, when Mr. Warbler told them that it was a violation of etiquette to interrupt a gentleman when he was delivering a poem before the alumni of a college. He was evidently under the influence of liquor, and quite out of his mind. They thought, for his own safety, that they had better bring him to the station-house.
”_Judge._--Mr. Warbler, you have heard what the officers have stated about your eccentric course of conduct; how did you happen to get drunk?
”_Mr. Warbler._--'Twas night, and gloomy darkness had her ebon veil unfurled, and nought remained but gas-lamps to light up this 'ere world.
The heavens frowned; the twinkling orbs, with silvery light endowed, were all occult on t'other side a thunderin' big black cloud. Pale Luna, too, shed not her beams upon the motley groups which lazily were standing round like new disbanded troops--
”_Judge._--It's not to hear such nonsense that I occupy this seat--
”_Mr. Warbler._--A death-like stillness e'er prevailed on alley, pier and street.
”_Judge._--To listen to such stuff, sir, I can't sacrifice my time--
”_Mr. W._--Don't dis...o...b..bilate my thought and interrupt my rhyme; I think that when misfortune is put on its defence, poetic justice, logic, law, as well as common sense, demand its story all be heard, unless _ex parte_ proof is to send poor friendless cusses underneath the prison's roof. Shall I proceed?
”_Judge._--Proceed; but don't make your tale too long.
”_Mr. W._--I'll heed your words, depend upon't. I own that I was wrong in rus.h.i.+ng headlong as I did into inebriation, but let me question now the Court; is it not a palliation of the depth of human guilt if malice don't incite to break in divers fragments State laws wrong or right, and when only human appet.i.te, uncontrolled by human reason leads men of genius, oftentime, the dish of life to season with condiments which _pro tem._ the mental palate tickle, yet very often, in the end, put human joys in pickle which ain't so cussed funny; though all of the expense of grub and the _et ceteras_ the public pays for; hence, I ask this Court (believing that its feelings are not hampered) if justice should not ever be with human mercy tempered?
”_Judge._--Perhaps. Now, tell me, Warbler, where you bought your liquor.
”_Mr. W._--Anon I'll tell you. Last week, Judge, prostrate was I, far sicker than to me's agreeable, with the diarrhea chronic, and sympathizing friends advised that I should take some tonic. I asked them what: at once they said, 'Get some lager-bier.' 'Twas got. 'Drink freely, boy,' said they, 'nothing need you fear, but you'll be up and on your legs.' The lager-bier 'was took;' soon every object in my sight had a very drunken look. Lager-bier (to German ears the words may be euphonic.) Tonic, certainly, it was, but decidedly too--tonic. Abnormal thirst excited it, and I went to great excesses (the statement's quite superfluous, my nose the fact confesses). Last night, attracted by the scenes which Gotham's streets present, I dressed myself in sombre clothes, and out of doors I went; to quench my thirst did I imbibe the more of lager-bier at Hoffman's on the corner, several squares from here. No more know I, 'cept in the morn I wakened from my sleep, and having sowed, perhaps I'll learn that likewise I must reap.
”_Judge._--Have you got ten dollars?
”_Mr. W._--'Tis true, I hain't a red; I suppose the words unpleasant which next to me'll be said; that because by my imprudence my pocket-book's collapsed, in prison drear must I remain till ten days have elapsed.
”_Judge._--I'll let you go this time.
”_Mr. Warbler._--Ha, say you so? Is't true, that though my offence is rank, in vain I did not sue for mercy; ne'er 'll I fail to say both through thin and thick in the circle of my acquaintance that you're a perfect brick.
”Mr. Wallabout Warbler left the room.”
Mr. Van Dam announced that he had visited the Jefferson Market Police Court one morning, and though there was much in the proceedings that was uninteresting, he had yet been able to collate some facts which he doubted not would be regarded as worthy of being recorded upon the minutes of the club.