Part 14 (1/2)
”I've told thee all, I'll tell no more, though short the story be; let me go back where I was before and I'll get my living without troubling the corporation. That's Tom Moore, altered to suit circ.u.mstances.”
”You ought to dispense with the brandy and gin.”
”Oh, I could be happy with either, were 'tother dear charmer bottled up and the cork put in.--That's Dibdin with a vengeance.”
”Young man, I fear you've led our young friend, whom you now see asleep amongst the broken crockery, from the paths of sobriety. What do you suppose will become of you if you go on in this way?”
”Alas, poor Yorick!--Peter, I mean. Who knows where he will lay his bones? Few and short will the prayers be said, and n.o.body'll feel any sorrow: but they'll cram him into his clay-cold bed, and bury somebody else on the top of him to-morrow; the minister will come, put on his robe and read the service; the choir'll sing a hymn; earth to earth and dust to gravel, and that'll be the last of Peter Knight.”
The Higholdboy consulting with those members of the club who were still awake, it was resolved forthwith to put Peter Knight down stairs. As he went he remarked:
”Fare thee well, and if for ever, all the better.--That's Byron, revised and corrected.”
Johnny Cake was manifestly too far gone to think of taking him to a hotel to sleep, and under these circ.u.mstances the club resolved itself into a committee of the whole, to remain in sleepy session all night, to take care of their prostrate fellow-member, Mr. Johnny Cake.
JOHNNY CAKE'S FIRST SPREE.
Whatever is, is.
WRIGHT.
[Ill.u.s.tration]
IN the last chapter of this veritable history is related the unexpected and unusually thorough inebriation of Mr. John I. Cake, from the verdant prairies of Illinois. The alcoholically-saturated condition of Johnny's corporosity, on the occasion herein-before-mentioned, surprised the thirsty brotherhood far more than would a similar state of facts in which any other one of the fraternity should have been implicated, because as Johnny had always perched himself upon the aqueous pinnacle of misanthropic teetotalism, it was not reasonable to suppose that he should, by one single dive, precipitate himself at once to the lowest depth of inebriation--for his profession's sake, he should have come down easier.
As his new-made friends had taken his moral culture under their especial guardians.h.i.+p, he was duly required, the next evening, to give, for the instruction and edification of the club, a full account of his night's experience.
Having first premised that he only complied with this desire in obedience to that imperative rule of the club, to which he had solemnly, affixed his name, which, in the most awful language, pledges every member who takes that terrible obligation to do exactly as he pleases, unless his own pleasure shall influence him otherwise, or unless, upon mature consideration, he shall decide that he had rather do something else, he proceeded to enlighten the anxious Elephantine expectants.
”When I left you yesterday,” said he, ”I had no more idea that I should so far overstep the bounds of my customary propriety, and make my next appearance before you in a state of alcoholic disguise, than I have at this present moment that the setting sun will see me under arrest for picking somebody's pocket of a steam saw-mill. Strolling about yesterday for some time, I became tired of the monotonous hurry of Broadway, and eventually strayed into that delightful rural locality which you call, I think, the Bowery.
”On the corner of this avenue of the rustic cognomen and Broome street, there is a place of refreshment for the weary. I entered its open doors, and sat down in a little three-sided closet, determined to procure the wherewithal to refresh the inner individual. Obedient to my upraised finger, a person came. This person had on a small white ap.r.o.n; this person also flourished in his dexter-digits a napkin of questionable purity; this person wore slippers, and had a voice like an asthmatic bull-frog; this person was a city waiter--a male waiter--a degeneration of the genus h.o.m.o, which I sincerely hope will, at no very distant day, become utterly extinct. He procured for me the viands which my capricious taste selected from the suggestive printed list of edibles there to be obtained. While engaged in consigning to a living grave the bivalves he had brought, I had a fair opportunity to observe some, to me, remarkable gymnastics then in course of accomplishment by an active young man who presided at the bar, and held dominion over the bottles.
First pouring into a tumbler some liquid, to me unknown, diluting it with water, adding ice, sugar, lemon, and other ingredients with which I am unacquainted, he proceeded to throw the compound about in the most unheard-of manner, from one tumbler to another, over his head, under his leg, round his neck, over one arm and under the other, without ever spilling a drop. First uplifting one hand high in air, he poured the mixture in a sparkling cascade from the gla.s.s in the right hand, to that in the left; then he threw it in a sparkling shower in the air, till the lumps of ice rattled on the ceiling; then he dispersed it in a misty spray about his head and recovered it all in his magic gla.s.s, by some diabolic dexterity, without losing the fraction of a drop; then, in one grand, final effort, he tossed it round the beer-pump, down one side, and up the other, and over the chandelier, changing a two-dollar bill while it was in the air, and giving his customer his drink with one hand, and with the other his silver change, intermixed with twenty per cent. of pewter dimes, which the thirsty buyer invariably pocketed before he could recover from his astonishment.
”I finished my dinner, and was anxious to see the little man perform again. I approached the little man, and desired him to concoct me a lemonade. He inquired if I wanted a 'fly' in it. As the flying part was what I most desired, I answered yes. The little man went through the motions. I sent the lemonade to its destination, noticing at the time something remarkably nectarean in the taste. As I supposed the evolutions which it had accomplished in mid-air had imparted to it an unusual flavor, and as I wanted to see the performance again, I immediately subscribed for one more of the same sort. Again the question about the fly--again an affirmative, with a remark that the bigger the fly, the better I should be pleased, supposing that thereby he would, for my satisfaction, make it fly through some new motions. I am satisfied that this time the fly _was_ larger than on the former occasion. I was still unsatisfied; another subscription, and another lemonade, but this time the entomological interrogation was not propounded--he took the fly for granted, and he was right. About this time the person who came home with me last night made his appearance. I shook hands with him at once, for I thought I recognized him. I imagined that he was a man who, seven years ago, licked me with a rawhide for stealing his pippins and setting fire to his sugar-bush, and I was anxious to shake hands for old acquaintance sake. I beg now, however, to state that I am satisfied this impression was erroneous, for I have this morning a distinct recollection that the individual of pomological memory removed to Kansas, where he was first lynched for stealing a horse, and afterward chosen county treasurer and inspector of election.
However, be that as it may, certain it is, that, at that particular moment, thinking I had fallen in with an old friend, I invited him to drink with me. He accepted, and presently he proposed punch, and made a remark about cobbler. Punch I had heard mentioned as the prince of good fellows, and I was anxious to make his acquaintance. Cobbler I had only heard of as a man of lapstones and leather ap.r.o.ns, and I did not particularly desire to know him. On receiving an introduction to Punch, I was amazed to find that he was not an individual but a drink--a luscious combination of fragrant ingredients. Although I was mistaken in the ident.i.ty, I was pleased with him, and it may not be superfluous to remark that the more I saw of him, the more I wanted to see, and the more I did see. About this time I had _two_ friends; there were _two_ active little men behind the bar, each throwing from double-barrelled tumblers two streams of lemonade over his head, each with two flies in.
There were two beer-pumps, each with two dozen handles, and the number of bottles and decanters was beyond computation. The floor rose up and down in wooden billows, and knocked my hat off. I attempted to remonstrate with floor, but at this juncture the floor clinched me; we had a long wrestle, and finally went down--floor on top. By a convulsive exertion I 'turned' the floor, got it under, and stood on it to keep it down; had some compunctions about striking a fallen enemy, but pa.s.sion got the better of me, and I tried to kick the floor; floor kicked back, and threw sand-dust in my eyes; got away; wanted to get out doors, but the room had changed about so, that the door was over my head, and the bar, with the active little men, was nearly under my feet; was afraid I should walk over the little men, and break the bottles; stepped very carefully so as to avoid any such accident, and put my foot in the stove. Peter rescued me from the devouring element, and got me out of doors.
”Peter said he would see me home, and asked me where I lived; told him I was an elephant; made him understand that I could _show_ him the place where I hung out, even if I couldn't tell him--so we started.
”We must have come through Chatham street, for I can remember seeing some one with a hammer, selling clothing. I know I wanted to go in and make some purchases. The ruling idea in my mind, at that moment, was, that the grey mare wanted a winter overcoat, the oxen a pair of striped pantaloons apiece, that the sow, and each of her tender offspring, ought to have a red jacket and a pair of spectacles, and that it was a matter of necessity and charity to purchase seven dozen hickory s.h.i.+rts to keep the blue jays away from the apple-trees. I went in, and commenced bidding. I know I was not particular about prices, and that any opposition provoked me exceedingly--so much so that I bid twenty-three dollars for a second-hand pocket-handkerchief, because, when the auctioneer started it at ten cents, and I offered fifteen, a hook-nosed Jew bid three cents over me. Auction over at last; man with the hammer wanted me to pay up--found that I had bought three quarters of his stock, and hadn't money enough to settle the bill. I know I gave him all I had, and also my coat and neckerchief to make up the balance. I also have a distinct recollection of calling him a Hebrew robber, upon which he knocked me in the eye with his hammer, and followed up this declaration of hostilities by splitting my nose with a yard-stick. We got out of doors, and proceeded down town. On the corner of Chambers street the Third Avenue Railroad squared off, and knocked me down. Peter held me steady, while I rebuked the offender in proper terms. The Third Avenue Railroad took off its hat and apologized. I forgave it.
”We went into a cellar; got in by a complicated dive. I sat down at first on the piano, next on a pile of oyster-sh.e.l.ls, and, finally, by the aid of a huge pair of whiskers, with a little Dutchman behind them, deposited myself in a chair--on top of Peter. Peter got out after a prolonged struggle; place very hirsute; big beards on everybody; ten parts of hair to one part Dutchman. My vision may have been slightly deranged, but I am certain that one diminutive German had two pairs of whiskers--a moustache just over his eyes, and a four-foot yellow beard which sprung from his teeth. We drank lager bier.
”Peter quoted Shakspeare when the man said ”pay up,” and insisted on singing an English chorus to a Dutch song; company indignant, Peter very valiant, but too few in number. Peter fought, Peter kicked, Peter swore, Peter was overpowered, Peter was elevated in the arms of four stout Dutchmen above the heads of the company. Exit Peter, through the window. In leaving the room myself, I, too, received some uncalled-for aid, but finally rejoined Peter on the sidewalk above.
”I spied the mystic light which told me the Elephantine resort was close at hand--couldn't fetch it--asked M.P.--he said if we'd tell him the address he'd show us--tried to recollect it--couldn't exactly make it out, but said at a venture, corner of Maiden Lane and Ca.n.a.l street--officer indignant--we finally found the place, tried to come up still so as to surprise you, but I am willing to admit that attempt to be a partial failure; we reached the door at last; it wouldn't open--Peter called it Sebastopol, and proposed that we should storm it--we resolved ourselves into an attacking party of two, called to our aid a twelve-feet plank as a battering-ram, and by hard blows persuaded the door to yield--that broken panel is a forcible example of the power of moral suasion.