Part 16 (1/2)

”I wish I could,” he said with a frown, ”but I've already made other plans. How about a rain check? I'm free tomorrow night.”

Whatever I'd seen in Marshall's face earlier was probably reflected on mine just then. Logic told me that Jawarski wasn't brus.h.i.+ng me off, but all those old insecurities made my stomach ache. ”Yeah. Sure. Tomorrow's great.” Tell him, the voice inside my head whispered, but I convinced myself this wasn't the right time or the right place. ”I have practice until six, so do you want to just meet there at about eight?”

”Eight's fine.” Jawarski took a look at my face and put a hand on my arm. ”What I've got going tonight isn't really important. If you want me to cancel, I will.”

I shook my head quickly, wis.h.i.+ng I could appreciate the offer but just feeling a whole lot more guilty. ”No, don't be ridiculous. We can go tomorrow.”

”You're sure?”

”Of course I'm sure,” I snapped. Immediately, I wanted to take the words back, but that's the thing about words: They last forever. I forced a smile and wished I could crawl into a hole and disappear. ”I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get hostile or anything. I'm just a little confused right now, and I'm trying really hard to figure out what I'm feeling.”

”Because of Stephanie?”

It would have been easy to say yes and let it go, but I knew that Jawarski and I wouldn't stand a chance if I did that. I shook my head and turned to look at him. ”Partly, I guess. I've spent the past year convincing myself that you and I are friends-good friends, but still just friends. But friends don't get jealous the way I did when I walked down that hall.”

Jawarski gave that smile that always makes my heart flutter a little. ”I'd like to think we're more than friends, but I know you're nervous about moving ahead, and I'm not going to pressure you. You know that, don't you?”

I nodded and felt my courage fail me again. What was wrong with me? Why was I such a coward? ”It's not just that,” I said, pus.h.i.+ng through my hesitation. ”Marshall Ames came to see me yesterday. He said he was just checking to make sure that I was okay-you know, since we found the body together and everything.”

Jawarski didn't say a word, he just waited patiently for me to spill my guts.

”Anyway, we talked for a while, and he did what you always do. He told me to stay out of the investigation, warned me about staying safe . . . you know, all that stuff.”

”It's a lost cause. Should I warn him?”

The joke made me feel even worse. ”The bottom line is, he kissed me,” I blurted. ”I didn't expect it to happen, and I didn't ask for it to happen, but he did, and I thought you should know.”

Jawarski studied my face for an uncomfortably long moment. ”Did you kiss him back?”

I shook my head. ”I don't think so.”

”Did you like it?”

”I don't think so.”

”But you're not sure.”

”No, of course I'm sure. I was shocked, that's all. I had no idea he felt that way about me.”

”You didn't? It seemed pretty obvious to me when I saw the two of you together the other night.”

I gaped at him. ”The night of the murder?”

Jawarski nodded and perched on the corner of his desk. ”The man likes you, Abby. The question is, how do you feel about him? Because I'm perfectly content to be patient and let you figure out how you feel about us, but I'm not going to wait around if there's another guy in the mix.”

My stomach dropped. Or maybe it was my heart. Something slid to the ground by my feet and left an empty hole inside me. ”There's not another guy in the mix,” I said firmly. ”I just told you, I had no idea what he was going to do.”

He dipped his head once. ”Fair enough.”

I could feel myself doing what I always do when my back's to the wall. I got angry. ”And don't sit there looking all morally superior, either. Stephanie would be all over you if you gave her half a chance, and don't pretend you don't know it.”

”But the point is,” he said with aggravating calm, ”I don't give her half a chance.”

”Meaning, by implication, that I did give Marshall a chance.”

”I didn't say that.”

”You didn't have to.”

”Don't put words in my mouth, Abby.”

”Don't imply something and then pretend you didn't. I'm not the only one who's confused around here, Jawarski. And I'm not the only one dragging a bunch of baggage around with me. You're no more sure of what you want us to be than I am, so don't pretend you are.”

”I know what I want,” he said, his voice low. ”But sometimes I wonder about you. Do you really have feelings for me, or are you just interested in what I can tell you about whatever case I'm working on?”

We were standing there, staring at each other and waiting for the other one to look away or say something, when an officer put his head into the room. ”Hey, Jawarski, we've gotta roll. Got a call about a domestic disturbance down in Swede Alley.”

Jawarski broke, nodded at him, and glanced back at me. ”Sorry. We'll have to finish this later.”

I didn't know whether to feel relieved or irritated. ”Sure,” I said, plunging my hands into my pockets and heading for the door.

”We still on for tomorrow at eight?”

I stopped in the doorway and looked back at him. ”Only if you want to be.”

”I'll be there.”

And I knew I would be, too. I just wished I could get some idea of how the rest of the conversation was going to play out before I got there.

Chapter 27.

At seven o'clock on the dot, I led Max onto the porch of Wyatt and Elizabeth's house, handed a cellophane-wrapped teacup filled with pastel candies to my sister-in-law and a bottle of wine to my brother. Wyatt grunted, but I couldn't tell if he appreciated the wine or wished I'd brought beer.

Since Jawarski and I weren't having dinner tonight, I'd called to see if Wyatt and Elizabeth were free. I didn't know how seriously to take Marshall's warning about Kerry Hendrix and his temper, but he wasn't the only person who'd expressed doubts about Kerry. With all these warnings ringing in my ears, it didn't seem right to keep my mouth shut while ten innocent boys spent time around someone who might be dangerous.

Elizabeth kissed my cheek and whispered a thank-you for the teacup, and set it on the counter. She bent to take something from the oven. ”I'm so glad you agreed to come for dinner. We don't do this often enough.”

Wyatt put the wine on ice and pulled a beer from the fridge. ”You said you had something important to talk about?”

”I do, but I think it would be best to wait to talk about it until after dinner. I'm not sure I want the kids to know until you've decided what you want to do. Now, what can I do to help you, Elizabeth?”

She waved away the offer. ”Dana and Danielle are going to set the table, and that's about all that's left. Just sit down and relax. You want some wine?”