Part 23 (1/2)
CHAPTER VI
THE LITTLE THINGS DON'T COUNT
They's many a guy clutterin' up a pay roll for about thirty bucks a week, which has got more brains than his boss has income tax. When he went to school they wasn't a day that some other kid didn't wanna murder him because he got 100 in arithmetic and the like. He pa.s.sed on to high school and even invaded college, where he dumfounded all in hearing with his knowledge of--everything! When he was fin'ly turned loose on a helpless world, he was so far ahead of his cla.s.s that they held special services for him and had the regular one the next day.
Now the dope oughta be that this marvel of intelligence should be down in Wall Street now, tellin' J. P. Morgan and etc. that the next time they come in late for work he'd fire 'em. Well, about once in ten thousand times this is true. Usually, however, this guy is the bird that takes your card at the office door and says, ”Sit down, Mr.
Morgan's fifth a.s.sistant secretary will see you in a moment.” And then the head bookkeeper rings a bell and this guy says, ”Yes, sir,” and jumps!
They is a reason for this, the same as for everything else outside of the Kaiser. The swell-dressed a.s.sa.s.sin with the ladies, which writes such beautiful figures and knows offhand how much is thirty-three times eighty, is fast joinin' the list of non-essential industrials. They got a machine now which can count better than him, and don't try to make no date with the stenographer, either! He thinks his boss is a b.o.o.b, because said boss is a little bit in doubt as to what day of the week Napoleon joined the army, and he wonders how in heaven's name a guy as stupid as that ever got as far as he did. The answer to that one is easy. While _he_ was memorizin' the fact that A plus C equals X, his _boss_ was figurin' how to hire a brainy guy like him to count his dough!
The wife and I are about to set sail for the movies one night, when our French maid from the Bronx admits a interruption by the name of Alex.
”Well,” he says, kidnappin' my goat by treatin' himself to one of my pet cigars, ”I have run across another feller which I am on the verge of makin' a success. I've studied his case carefully and all he needs is to be set on the right track to bust all speed records.”
”Where did you meet this second-story man?” I says.
”He ain't no burglar,” says Alex; ”he's some kind of a bookkeeper, and he's got one of the sweetest little girls in love with him you ever seen!”
”I thought you was married,” I says.
”Now,” says Alex, snubbin' me as usual, ”I want to bring him up here to dinner to-morrow night and have you meet him as he is at present. In a short time later I'll bring him back again, and if he hasn't made himself a success, I'll buy you all the best dinner you ever eat!”
”Listen!” I says. ”As Hoover says, 'Food will win the war--don't eat it!' Don't be invitin' no more guys up here to dinner. It's tough enough to have to feed _you_ three or four times a week, without you ringin' in these guys which acts like I win them steaks and chops in a raffle. Now I'm goin' to the movies. They's a five-reeler down at the corner called 'She Give Her Soul!' and they ain't no man gonna keep me from seein' that to-night.”
”Come along with us, Alex,” chimes in the wife. ”A couple of my girl friends which used to be in the Winter Garden with me is in this picture and I'm crazy to see them!”
”Hmph!” snorts Alex. ”Anybody is crazy which pays money to look at them fool movin' pictures. If I had my way, they'd all be stopped and--”
”Lillian Dish is in this one,” b.u.t.ts in the wife. ”Have you seen her lately?”
”No!” says Alex, jumpin' up. ”By mackerel, I haven't! Hurry up, we'll be late--you people is never in time for anything! Lillian Dish, hey?
Say! Did you see her in 'What's a Wife?' She was great! Why I--”
I dragged the both of them out.
Promptly at seven the next night Alex comes up with his new-found friend. I let forth a groan and told the maid to lay a couple more plates, but to slice everything as thin as possible without cuttin' her hands. The stranger was a tall, slim bird which wouldn't have been bad-looking if he hadn't been so serious. He acted like it was a felony to smile, and got my name wrong the first four times he repeated it.
Well, after the sound of clas.h.i.+n' knives and forks had died away, the wife dolls all up and goes over to visit the hero which wed Alex; and us strong men repairs to the parlor, where the cigars clink merrily and the like.
The stranger's name turned out to be S. Jared Rushton, and after a while I figured the ”S” stood for ”Silly.” This guy knowed more about figures than the stage manager at the Follies. He was a hound for numbers, dates and etc. He had a better memory than a loan shark, and a encyclopedia would look stupid alongside of him. No matter what the subject was, this guy knowed more about it than the bird which wrote it and would b.u.t.t in with the figures to prove it. Fin'ly, when I struck a match and he tells me they is 9,765,543 of them used in New York every fiscal year, I went out into the kitchen for air!
[Ill.u.s.tration: I struck a match and he tells me they is 9,765,543 of them used in New York every fiscal year.]
At first it was kinda interestin' and entertainin' to get the inside dope on _everything_ at practically no cost, but they is such a thing as bein' _too_ clever; and when it become impossible to speak of anything on earth from bankin' to beer, without this bird b.u.t.tin' in with all the figures on it, I got enough! I tried to yawn him into goin' home, and he notices I got two b.u.m teeth. That furnished him with a scenario for tellin' me that every year 490,517 people is treated by dentists in New York alone, and I says I can't help it and he mustn't of got a wink or sleep the night he counted 'em.
”Oh,” he says, ”it's very simple. I carry all those figures in my head.”
”Why not?” I says. ”They's plenty of room there!”
He looked kinda peeved; but before he could come back at me, Alex takes things in hand.
”Jared,” he says, ”you are certainly a educated citizen. With all them interestin' facts and figures in your head you must be very valuable to the firm you work for, hey?”