Part 20 (1/2)
”Don't be blowin' about how much food we got in the ice box,” I says.
”They may be some spies from Hoover's office around.”
”That reminds me,” says Alex, makin' the best of it by devourin' all the crackers and jam. ”I expect to go to Was.h.i.+ngton this week and offer my services to Mister Hoover.”
”What was you thinkin' of doing for Mister Hoover, Alex?” says the wife.
”I got a scheme for--,” he begins, when I ceased firin' on the bacon and eggs and arose.
”Listen!” I b.u.t.ts in. ”I don't like to walk out in the middle of your act, Alex, but I gotta date. I have just bought a infielder from Jersey City which they tell me is a second Ty Cobb. The last guy which come recommended to me like that acted like hittin' the ball was a felony and he must of figured that droppin' grounders put Cobb over. I have give everything but the franchise for this new bird, and I wanna see right now if he's one of them things or a ball player.”
”Don't make no engagements for to-night,” says the wife, ”because we're goin' to the movies with them lovely Wilkinsons.”
”Who's them lovely Wilkinsons?” I says.
”You could spend a year at the bottom of the ocean and never get acquainted with a fis.h.!.+” says the wife. ”The Wilkinsons is the people which just moved in across the hall. Her husband is a salesman for a big wholesale clothing house downtown and if you're nice to him he can prob'ly get you a raincoat or something, for a great deal different price than you'd pay yourself.”
”Yeh,” I says. ”It would no doubt cost me about ten bucks _more_, if I bought it from him! I know them birds. That guy will gimme his card and send me down to the foundry where he works, and they'll sell me somethin' which has graced their shelves for the last ten years, at ten per cent over the retail price. The public will laugh me outa wearin'
it and, on top of that, this guy will want the first five rows at the world's series for doin' me the favor! Anyways, I don't need no raincoat, I got two already.”
”I never seen n.o.body like you,” says the wife. ”I'll bet you think the war was a frame-up! Accordin' to you, n.o.body or nothin' is on the level, and the whole world and Yonkers is out to give you the work. I have already talked with Mister Wilkinson, which is a nice little innocent fellow and not a brute like you which battles night and day with his wife, and he will have a raincoat up here for you to-morrow.”
I throwed up my hands!
”How much is it?” I says.
”Practically nothin',” says the wife. ”Forty-five dollars.”
Oh, boy!
”Listen!” I says, openin' the door. ”Unless that bird has give you his age in mistake for the price of the raincoat, you can tell him that if I had forty-five bucks to hurl away like that I wouldn't wear no raincoat. I wouldn't care if it rained or not!”
”It's one of the latest trench models,” says the wife. ”I got two of them. One for myself.”
”You and that lovely little Wilkinson will have to shoot c.r.a.ps for them then!” I hollers. ”I wouldn't let him take me for ninety bucks if--”
”They are both paid for long ago,” smiles the wife, pinchin' my cheek, and pullin' the smile that used to get her photo in the magazines. ”I give him a check last week!”
As unfortunately I am nothin' but human, I beat it before they was violence and bloodshed. I was afraid to trust myself with speech, but I managed to let off a little steam before I left by throwin' three pillows and a Rumanian beer stein at Alex, havin' caught him grinnin'
at me like a idiot.
It was about six hours before I got back and my temper had failed to improve with age, havin' had a rough day at the ball park. We played a double-header with the Phillies and lost a even two games. Both the scores sounded more like Rockefeller's income tax than anything else.
Iron Man Swain pitched the first game for us and before five innin's had come and went, I found out that the only thing iron about him was his nerve in drawin' wages as a pitcher. Everybody connected with the Philly team but the batboy got a hit and from the way them guys run around the bases it looked more like a six-day race than a ball game!
I sent in Red Mitchel to pitch the second half of the ma.s.sacre, and all he had was a boil on his arm. As far as his offerin's was concerned, everybody on the Philly club could of been christened Home Run Baker.
When he throwed the ball on the clubhouse roof tryin' to get a guy nappin' off first, lettin' in two extry runs instead, I went out to the box and removed him by hand. Ed Raymond finished the game for us, and he's so scared we might win it that he walks the first three men and knocks the fourth guy cold with a inshoot. I didn't even stay to see the finish--I had enough!
One of the features of the day was the work of this so-called ”Second Ty Cobb” at short. He come to bat eleven times in the two games and got one hit. That was a left jab from the Philly first baseman which got peeved at bein' called a liar and bounced one off the Second Ty Cobb's ear. At fieldin' he made more errors than the Kaiser and was just as popular with the crowd. I give up five thousand berries and a outfielder for him, and after them two games I couldn't of sold him as a watch charm to the manager of a high school club!
From all of this you may get an idea of the sweet humor I was in when I blowed into the flat that night. My idea was to put on the feed bag, and then go around to the corner and play a little pinochle with the gang. Like the guy which fell off Was.h.i.+ngton's Monument I was doomed to disappointment, because they was quite a little reception committee awaitin' me. Among them present besides the wife was Alex and them lovely Wilkinsons.