Part 10 (1/2)

In about an hour, the people in the next flat had enough, and mentioned the fact to the landlord. He let us in on it by way of the phone, and all was quiet along the Hudson again.

”I come up here to-night to tell you somethin',” says Alex.

”They's always the United States mail,” I says.

”I ain't talkin' to you, I'm speakin' to Cousin Alice!” snarls Alex.

”She can read too!” I says.

”I been thinkin' this here thing over for weeks,” he goes on, turnin'

his chair so's I can get a good view of his back, ”and I made up my mind to-day to go ahead with it.”

”What is it, Alex?” asks the wife, all excited. ”I know it's goin' to be somethin' wonderful!”

”You ain't gonna tell me you're gonna stop eatin' here, are you?” I says. ”Because if you are, I'm gonna beat it! I heard tell of guys dyin' of joy and I ain't takin' no chances!”

”The whole trouble with you,” says Alex, ”is a simple case of jealousy.

You was born and brung up in this rube burg called New York and the best you could do in thirty-five years was to get yourself foreman of a baseball team! I--”

”Yeh!” I b.u.t.ts in. ”I fell down the same as Caruso. All he can do is sing!”

”I come here from Vermont,” goes on Alex, now on his favorite subject, ”and right off the reel I get me a ten thousand a year job, not countin' commissions, sellin' autos. Now I claim that what _I_ did in New York can be done by anybody--and I'm here to prove it! It's just as easy to be a roarin' success in New York as it is in Paterson, N.

J.--and just as hard! There's many a Charlie Chaplin sellin' groceries and many a Theodore Roosevelt carryin' bricks! In their off hours and in the privacy of their homes, them fellers is doin' for _nothin'_, what Chaplin, Roosevelt, Dempsey and so forth got _paid off_ on! If a man's a gambler, for instance, and he bets on a race horse, the chances are he stays up all night lookin' up the past performances of that horse and seein' just what he can do under all conditions. He studies how the horse finished on a muddy track and where he come in when the track was fast. He makes note of what the horse did under different weights and different jockeys. He watches what it does against certain other horses. Then when he thinks everything is favorable, he bets his money! He--”

”Look here, Alex!” I b.u.t.ts in. ”Did you come all the way up here to-night to lay me on a horse race?”

”No!” he snorts, in disgust, ”I come up here to lay you on _yourself_!

If this same man that studies the dope before he bets on a horse, would study the dope on _himself_ with the same attention to detail, before he enters the handicap of life--he'd be a winner! He wouldn't have to bet on no horses or nothin' else, because he'd be his own best bet!

He'd find out what his particular ace was and play it to the limit every time! Instead of that, the average feller spends his time sittin' in the greatest game in the world--life--drawin' five cards every time and waitin' for the royal flush to be dealt him pat. He--”

”My goodness, Alex!” remarks the wife, ”I didn't know you was a gambler. Where did you learn all those poker terms?”

”He once claimed casino was vicious, too!” I says.

Alex gets up and reaches for his hat.

”There ain't no use talkin' to people which has checked their brains with the hat boy!” he says. ”But before I go, I wanna tell you this.

Every man has got the key to his own success buried in him somewhere, and I'll bet I can take the champion dub of any given precinct and make him a winner the minute I find out where he hid _his_!”

”Let's go to the movies, instead of fightin' like cats and dogs,”

remarks the wife, puttin' on her handbag.

”Yes!” sneers Alex, ”let's go to the movies and knock the leadin' man because he's gettin' $30,000 a year, and let's explain to each other how he's gettin' away with murder and ain't got a thing but his looks.

That's much better than sittin' down and figurin' how we can make the same amount of money, if we--”

”Look here, Alex!” I interrupts, gettin' a trifle peeved. ”You took me for eight hundred berries when you first invaded New York and, sucker like, I'm lookin' for a come-back. Are you on the level with that stuff about you bein' able to put _anybody_ over if you get in their corner?”

”Am I on the level with it?” he says. ”Why, say!--I'm goin' in the _business_ of makin' successes outa dubs! I'm gonna take 'em one by one, put 'em over and charge a reasonable percentage for my work. I'm sick and tired of the automobile game and I'm gonna incorporate myself as Alex Hanley, S. D.”