Part 21 (1/2)
”Not in the least,” Abe said. ”Millionaires behave the way their fellow-countrymen encourages them to behave, Mawruss, which to my mind, Mawruss, the only way to learn a millionaire like Mr. Ford his place is not to notice him and, in particular, not to pay no attention to anything he says, and such a millionaire would quick subside and devote himself to the manufacture of safety-pins or the best four-cylinder car for the money in the world, as the case may be, which I see in the paper that the refusal of the United States Senate to confirm the Treaty of Peace looks quite certain to them people to whom the winning of the Willard-Dempsey fight by Jeff Willard looked quite certain, Mawruss.”
”Well, to my mind, Abe, them round-robins is right to look into the Treaty and the League of Nations covenant before they confirm them,”
Morris said. ”Also, Abe, you couldn't blame them Senators for getting indignant about the Shantung settlement.”
”Personally I couldn't blame them and I couldn't praise them, Mawruss, because, like a hundred million other people in this country, not being in the silk business, Mawruss, I never had the opportunity to find out nothing about even where Shantung was on the map till they printed such a map in the papers last week, and if you've got to go and look it up on a map first to find out whether you should ought to be indignant or not, Mawruss, you couldn't get exactly red in the face over j.a.pan taking Shantung, unless you are a Senator from the Pacific coast, where people have got such a wonderful color in their cheeks that Easterners think it's the climate, when, as a matter of fact, it is thinking about j.a.panese unrestricted immigration that does it.”
”But the Senators represents the people which elects them, Abe,” Morris said, ”and if it don't take much to make a Californian indignant about any little thing he suspects j.a.pan is doing, y'understand, then Senator Hiram Johnson has got a right to go 'round looking permanently purple over this here Shantung affair. As for the other Senators, Abe, the theory on which they talk each other deaf, dumb, and blind is that they are doing a job which it is impossible for the hundred million people of this country to do for themselves. They are saving their const.i.tuents the trouble of leaving their homes and spending a lot of time on government-controlled railroads, going to and from Was.h.i.+ngton to make their own laws, y'understand. That is what representative government is, Abe, and if the people of this country couldn't get indignant over what ain't right in this here Treaty of Peace and League of Nations without working up such indignation by several days' careful investigation of the reasons for getting indignant, then it is up to the United States Senate to get indignant for them, even if the individual Senators has got to sit up with wet towels 'round their heads and strong black coffee stewing on the gas-stove, so as not to fall asleep over the job of letting their feelings get the better of their judgment in working up a six-hour speech which will give the country the impression that it just came pouring out on the spur of the moment as a consequence of the Senators' red-hot indignation about this here Shantung.”
”It's too bad that the House of Representatives couldn't be mind-readers like the Senate, Mawruss, and get off indignant speeches about what is making certain sections of the country so indignant, Mawruss, that if their Congressmen is going to really and truly represent them, there would be a regular epidemic of apoplexy in Was.h.i.+ngton,” Abe said, ”which I am talking about the enforcement of prohibition, Mawruss.”
”For myself, Abe, I couldn't understand why it should be necessary to pa.s.s a law to enforce a law,” Morris remarked, ”because, if that is the case, what is going to be the end? After they pa.s.s this here law to enforce the prohibition law, are they going to pa.s.s another law to enforce the law to enforce prohibition, or do they expect that this here enforcement law will enforce itself, and if so, then why couldn't the prohibition law be enforced without a law to enforce it?”
”To tell you the truth, Mawruss, a dyed-in-wool Dry could be as hopeful as a man could possibly be on soft drinks, and in his heart of hearts he must got to know that if Congress would sit from now till the arrival of _Elia Hanov'e_ and did nothing all that time but pa.s.s an endless chain of enforcement laws, prohibition will never be enforced except in the proportion of 2.75 enforcement to 97.25 violation, anyhow in those parts of the country where the hyphen Americans live and like their beverages with a hyphen in it, because, Mawruss, where a hundred per cent. of the population of a certain district has been drinking beer and light wines since 12 A.M. on Rosh Hashonah in the year one up to and including twelve midnight on June 30, 1919, y'understand, and seeing no harm in it, understand me, not only would an act of Congress fail to change the hearts and conscience of such people, but there could be an earthquake, a cyclone, and anything else which a confirmed Dry would call a judgment on them people, and still they wouldn't see no harm in it.”
”Then what is the country going to do to enforce the prohibition law?”
Morris asked.
”I don't know,” Abe said; ”but one thing is certain, you can't change people's habits on and after a certain hour on a certain date by putting a law into effect on such date. You might just so well expect that, if the Senate should confirm the provision handing over Shantung to the j.a.panese, all the Chinamen in Shantung is immediately going to open stores for the sale of imitation expensive vases and fake silk embroidery, start factories for the manufacture of phony Swedish safety-matches, and do all the other things which j.a.panese do so successfully that any reputable business man is willing to take a chance on getting indignant about Shantung without even asking his stenographer to look it up for him.”
”But I thought you thought that prohibition would be a good thing, Abe?”
Morris said.
”I do,” Abe said. ”I think brown stewed fish, sweet and sour, the way my Rosie cooks it, is a good thing, but at the same time, Mawruss, I realize that my taste in this respect is supported only by what you might call a very limited public sentiment, consisting of Rosie and me, y'understand, and the rest of the household couldn't stand to eat it at all. So, therefore, when we have sweet and sour fish we cook for the rest of the family eggs or meat, and in that way we have happiness in the home. Now a country is a home for the people in it, ain't it, and the main thing is that they should stick together and be happy, and how could they be happy if even the great majority of the people tells the rest what they should and shouldn't eat or drink?”
”But you admit that _schnapps_ is harmful, don't you?” Morris insisted.
”And I also admit that sweet and sour fish ain't exactly a health food, Mawruss,” Abe said. ”In fact, you wouldn't believe what a lot of bicarbonate of soda Rosie and me uses up between us after we eat that fish; but even so, Mawruss, after you have said all you could say against that fish, the fact remains that Rosie and me, we like it.”
”Well, even if the people do like booze, and it does them harm, I say they shouldn't have it,” Morris said.
”I agree with you down to the ground, Mawruss,” Abe said. ”And I don't care if it is booze or sweet and sour, you are still right; but if sweet and sour fish was prohibited, although the fish and the onions and the sugar and the vinegar which you make it out of _wasn't_, y'understand, and in spite of the law, Rosie and me liked it and wanted to continue to eat it, the question then is and the question is going to continue to be:
”HOW ARE YOU GOING TO STOP IT?”
XXVI
THE APPROACHING ROYAL VISIT
”I see where the King of England, to show his appreciation of what we done it during the war, Mawruss, is going to send his eldest son, the King of England, junior, or whatever his name is, to visit us,” Abe Potash said to his partner, Morris Perlmutter.
”Yes?” Morris replied. ”Well, why don't the King, senior, come himself?”
”You must think that kings has got nothing better to do with their time than fool it away on ocean steamers, Mawruss,” Abe said. ”A king of England is a very busy man, Mawruss, which I bet yer right now he is dated up as far ahead as Purim, 1921, laying corner-stones, opening exhibitions, making the speech of the afternoon or the evening, as the case may be, at a.s.sorted luncheons, teas, and dinners; trying on uniforms; signing warrants at a fee of two guineas and sixpence--not including three cents war tax--for the appointment of tea, coffee, or cocoa manufacturers as purveyors of tea, coffee, or cocoa to the royal household, y'understand, and doing all the other things which a king does in England and a prominent Elk does in America.”
”Well, anyhow, I suppose the King of England, junior, must of done a lot of hard work during the war which makes the King, senior, think that it is time the boy had a vacation.”
”_Oser!_” Abe said. ”So far as I can make out, the young feller made a couple of tourist's tours of the battle-fields, Mawruss, and maybe helped out once or twice with the corner-stone laying; but otherwise, for all the actual fighting he did, instead of being the King of England's son during the war, he might just so well have been Mr. Ford's son.”