CH 4 (2/2)

Tooko-senpai threw her other shoe on the ground.

“But…something happened awhile after they became third years. One day Shuuji had to stay late

for the club, so Sakiko had to go home alone. On route, she got into a car accident and died.”

“A car accident…”

Tooko-senpai, still with her dreamy eyes, slowly said to herself.

“The light had turned red already, yet Sakiko ran into the street; she got hit by a truck that was

turning in the intersection- she died immediately.”

“……”

Tooko-senpai silently loosened her other French braid.

Her wavy hair dangled to her waist and covered her slender body. She was as captivating as the

Muses, the G.o.ddess of Arts. My throat suddenly became very dry.

“…Why did Sakiko Kijima run out during the red light?”

“Who knows…maybe she was in a hurry? Or maybe she thought no cars were turning…

Regardless, Sakiko died; and Shuuji lost his lover. Shuuji felt it was his fault- if only he had gone

home with her. A month later- he killed himself.”

In my mind appeared a picture of a male student jumping off the rooftop. My fingers felt numbed,

and my mouth stiff.

No, it‟s not.

This happened ten years ago.

This had nothing to do with „that‟.

To make sure that the senpai remained oblivious to my abnormal reaction, I forcefully controlled

my breathing.

Tooko-senpai impa.s.sively asked-

“The suicide note that was found in Shuuji‟s house, what did it say?”

“It said that Sakiko died because of him; and he didn‟t want to live in a place where Sakiko

didn‟t exist, so he would follow her. Also……”

Maki-senpai suddenly stopped.

 Pu-chin*

Tooko-senpai unb.u.t.toned her second b.u.t.ton.

“...- „I am sorry that I am alive in this world.‟”

Gooseb.u.mps appeared all over my skin as if I personally heard him say that.

Tooko-senpai moved her face on top of her knee caps. She put her index finger on her lips and

fell into deep thought.

I ignored the dull pain in my chest and asked Maki-senpai-

“What kind of a person was Shuuji Kataoka?”

“Easy to socialize with, optimistic, liked to joke. Wherever he was at, that place would be filled

with laughter. Apparently he knew many people. But when he was alone his true face world

appear. He would look very solemn and lonely. Chicks dig this kind of guy, which was why he

always had many girls falling for him. He had many female friends. Each girl would describe

him as „kind‟. Everyone agreed he was a nice person…they even said that he would from time to

time show a shy expression that rendered girls defenseless.

Whenever he practiced archery, a bunch of girls would gather around him. They would get in the

way of everyone else‟s practice. Thus Shuuji was often scolded by the club manager. Even then,

he would smile at the manager, and the manager would get even angrier. Whenever other people

saw this, they would laugh it off- around Shuuji you would always feel an endlessly lively mood.”

Just like the impression Takeda described when we first talked about the personality of Shuujisenpai.

A cheerful, optimistic, kind and friendly senpai.

Usually humorous, but serious only when he was practicing archery.

But this socializing, cheerful person was only a pitiful clown he created- it was not his real self.

In the letter Takeda-san gave me, he repeatedly confessed he was a monster that was incapable

of love. The mere existence of him in this world shamed him to no end. He could not let other

people be aware of this, so he endlessly wanted to die.

That letter was found in between Osamu Dazai‟s „Ningen s.h.i.+kkaku‟.

Why did Shuuji Kataoka prepare another death will?

That letter was meant for someone else.

Was it written to S, the person who understood him best, the person who would destroy him?

Or was it written to someone else?

Tooko unb.u.t.toned the third b.u.t.ton.

From the gap in her s.h.i.+rt, I spotted a bit of pale skin and white silk undergarments; and from it

my heart beat faster.

“Did Shuuji-senpai have any particularly close friends?”

Maki-senpai moved her hands nonstop and greedily stared at Tooko-senpai.

“He had many „close friends‟, but becoming his „special friend‟ was very hard. He was usually

with two people from his cla.s.s and the archery club- s.h.i.+geru Manabe and Yasuyuki Soeda. In

this gang, Manabe was the leader, Soeda formed the detailed plans, and Shuuji was the

troublemaker. During that time Manabe started going out with the club manager Rihoko Sena.

All five of them would often go out together to play. After Rihoko graduated she broke up with

Manabe and started going out with Soeda. Now the latter two are married, and Rihoko became

Rihoko Soeda.”

Sigeru Manabe

Yasuyuki Soeda

Rihoko Sena

And the lover, Sakiko Kijima

They all have the initial S.

“Oh right, I even got a photo of Shuuji Kataoka for you here.”

Maki-senpai stopped sketching, turned the photo downward, and pa.s.sed it in front of us.

“Want to see it?”

“…So perverse, Maki.”

Tooko-senpai said as if she had given up on fighting. She then unb.u.t.toned her fourth b.u.t.ton.

Maki-senpai just smiled and did nothing.

Tooko-senpai pointedly looked at Maki-senpai, and unb.u.t.toned her fifth b.u.t.ton- also her final

b.u.t.ton.

Her s.h.i.+rt was completely open. Inside it, her undergarments and chest could be seen. Underneath

the white undergarments, she had on a light purple bra. I finally didn‟t know where I should be

looking at.

Maki-senpai was still not doing anything. Tooko-senpai lowered her head, blushed, and said-

“Hey, I was sick right before this. I may get a cold again if I take the s.h.i.+rt off.”

“If you do get a cold, I will bring you to the hospital our family uses. I will prepare a special

patient room just for you.”

“Gos.h.!.+ If you don‟t let me see the picture our friends.h.i.+p ends here.”

Tooko-senpai puffed her cheeks again. I hurriedly added-

“Tooko-senpai can be very stubborn; she will really end her friends.h.i.+p with you. Furthermore,

even if she continues to strip off her clothing, the flat chest won‟t change, I would imagine. Even

if she only has a single piece of undergarment on, her chest would still look flat.”

Suddenly, my head was. .h.i.t by a drawing board.

“Gosh~~~! Konoha-kun you idiot!!!!”

Her mature and elegant appearance was no more. Instead she, with both hands holding the

drawing board, repeatedly smacked it against my head. Tooko-senpai, with tears in her eyes,

yelled-

“Idiot! Idiot! Idiot!”

“Ah- stop, let him go, Tooko. I just can‟t win against you.”

Maki-senpai was finally willing to turn the photo over.

Tooko-senpai stopped smacking me, and both of us stuck our heads forward to examine the

photo.

The photo had three male students and two female students in it. They were all wearing the older

style of school uniforms. The lean looking male was Manabe-senpai. The male that was smart

looking and had a pair of gla.s.ses was Soeda-senpai. The tough looking beautiful girl was

Rihoko-senpai. Standing between them, with a slender body and fair skin was probably Sakiko

Kijima! And the person that was holding hands with Sakiko while looking very embarra.s.sed was

Shuuji Kataoka.

His long bangs dangled over his forehead. His look was as delicate as a girl. There was a

pleasant smile on his face.

He was taller and looked more mature than me.

But, other than thatI

couldn‟t help but draw a deep breath. Tooko-senpai also had her eyes wide open.

“…He really looked like Konoha-kun!”

Yes. Shuuji Kataoka looked like he might be my brother or uncle. He really did look like me.

◇ ◇ ◇

Why did I become a close friend with S? Even now, when I am looking back, I am still

intrigued by it.

At first S hated me. S always glared at me coldly and talked to me harshly.

When I disguised myself as a clown to make others laugh, only S, with S’s harsh eyes,

looked at me.

This person saw though everything.

This thought made my inner supports disintegrate completely. I, like a puppy whimpering

on the ground, could not be in worse state.

But I tried to get close to S. To S, I behaved foolishly, limply, and servilely, just to soften S's

att.i.tude towards me.

Perhaps S took pity on me. As if there was no other way to handle me, S started to smile at

me. I wanted to be closer to S more and more. I constantly complimented and swore my

loyalty to S. Just like that, S and I eventually became good friends- not unlike a master and

its slave.

But S was still my enemy. This fact hadn’t changed.

Sometimes S, when I had my clown disguise on, would scold me with sad expressions or

with accusing att.i.tude. When S criticized me for lying, I would get a falling feeling, as if I

slipped and fell head first into a deep abyss.

Are these my sins? Is it my fault that I can’t understand what other people feel? I can’t feel

sadness, nor can I love another being; thus I have to continue this dangerous play. Is it my

fault that I became like this? Aah, this must be true. I was born a sinner. I am Cain,

covered by the bark of white birch trees. As such, even when others charged at me, it can’t

be helped. I am powerless at everything; all I can feel is infinite torture.

What would S ask me to do?

Would S tell me to stop playing a clown?

If everyone learned the truth, that I am a monster, would they chase and stone me?

You all know nothing! A monster that was born as a man; as if being consumed by the

flame of inferno, the pain and fear he bears. Nothing- none of you understand!

At this moment, I felt very disgusted with S’s ‘righteousness’. So hateful that my throat

became hot, and my whole body shook in hatred.

◇ ◇ ◇

How much did Takeda know of Shuuji Kataoka?

On the following day, during the break after the third period, I sat in my chair and contemplated

this question.

Takeda-san still hadn‟t appeared today.

What is Takeda-san thinking? What is her goal?

And why did Kataoka commit suicide after his girlfriend died?

By reading his other „will‟, one can see that he was in pain because he was unable to love others.

Would a person like him, after the death of his girlfriend, follow her path?

If the death of his girlfriend was not his motive for killing himself, what was the final straw that

drove him to suicide?

In the letter, he even said he killed a person. What does that mean? I don‟t understand.

Maybe he wrote it because he felt that Sakiko‟s death related to him. Also, judging from the

letter‟s content, it was almost as if the person died in front of him…

Aah, no, there are too many mysteries. It is possible he left behind a second handnote, just like

„Ningen s.h.i.+kkaku‟. For example, he might have slipped it into other works of Osamu Dazai…

Aah, but wouldn‟t someone find the letter soon after he did that…wait a second!

I suddenly thought of an inconsistency.

Takeda-san said that she found Shuuji‟s letter in „Ningen s.h.i.+kkaku‟.

Shuuji-senpai jumped from the building ten years ago.

Ten years is a very long time, yet the letter was not discovered, isn‟t that strange? „Ningan

s.h.i.+kkaku‟ is a famous book, so there is no shortage of its borrowers…

I felt the glance of someone and raised my head.

“……”

Kotobuki-san was standing in front of me. She looked at me as if she had something to say.

“The change.”

She coolly said.

“What?”

“The 10 yen. You haven‟t given me that yet.”

“Ah, so-sorry.”

d.a.m.n. I forgot about it. I hurriedly took out my wallet and found that I didn‟t have a darn 10 yen

coin with me.

“Eh, eh…”

“Forget it. Give it to me next time.”

“Sorry…”

Uwah, so embarra.s.sing. It was only 10 yen anyway, there is no need to be so uptight about it…

Kotobuki-san looked as if she wanted to complain more, and didn't budge. She was slightly

blus.h.i.+ng, and her eyes were looking left and right hesitantly. Suddenly she opened her mouth

and said-

“Hey, are you aware that Chia Takeda is going out with a first year student? I heard that they

really like each other.”

“What...”

I was flabbergasted. Kotobuki-san calmly continued-

“It‟s true. I heard it from another first year library a.s.sistant. They started going out in April.

Every day they would eat lunch together in the courtyard. Konoha, she is not going out with both

of you at the same time, right? Ah, but didn‟t you say before that you were not going out with

her? Then I guess that‟s none of your business.”

“…Thank you for telling me this!”

Kotobuki-san seemed very much taken aback; it must have been because my expression back

then was very frightening.

The bell rang. Kotobuki-san just said „don‟t forget to return the 10 yen to me‟, and escaped. She

looked as if she was about to cry, but I really didn‟t have any remaining strength to deal with her.

Takeda-san was going out with a first year student? How did this happen?

During lunch time, I went to the courtyard.

In the May sky there were clouds. The wind was warm as well. There were students everywhere

eating their lunch boxes. Takeda-san and her boyfriend, that first year student, were there as well.

They were sitting on the lawn. Each of them had a napkin on their thigh. Their lunch boxes were

put on top of it.

The colour of their napkins was different. Takeda-san‟s was pink. Her boyfriend‟s was blue.

Their lunch boxes differed as well. The boy‟s lunch box was a size bigger than hers.

Takeda-san was happily chatting with him-

“Hey hey, is it good? Hiro-kun? This shrimp meatball is my new invention.”

“It‟s the best! It‟s a bit spicy but it‟s soooo good.”

“Ehehe, I prepared it with spices; I also added a bit of leek. It‟s very filling, right?”

“Yeah. Chia is really good at cooking~~!”

“For Hiro-kun I always do my best~~”

”Chia, the Basketball Club is taking a break this Sunday. Do you want to see a movie together?”

“Wah~~~~, I will go, I will go! Hurray, this is our fourth time going out on a date!”

Sitting beside Takeda-san was the slightly embarra.s.sed boyfriend. He seemed to be the one that

was chasing Takeda-san in the rain. His hair was kept very short; he looked just like an everyday

sports boy.

They were chatting very cheerfully. No matter how you looked at them, they seemed to be a very

sweet couple.

“Ah….”

Takeda-san finally noticed me. Her face immediately froze.

I didn‟t feel like I did something wrong, but my face and my ears started getting hot. I felt

shameful and upset. I looked at Takeda-san once, and at once I turned around and left. I hurriedly

walked back to the cla.s.sroom.

(What the h.e.l.l, this!)

(What‟s with this!)

After school, I planned on going to the club room. But when I stepped outside the cla.s.sroom I

saw Takeda-san waiting for me in the hallway.

She was dillydallying and had her mouth closed. I ignored her and silently pa.s.sed by in front of

her.

“Ah…”

Takeda-san followed me.

After we silently walked for a bit, I, with my face still facing forward, coldly asked:

“What is it?”

“……”

“Are you here to explain what‟s between you and your boyfriend?”

“Hi…Hiro-kun is-“

“-that you two started going out in April? That everyday at lunch break you two would go to the

courtyard and each lunch that you prepared? That you two already went on three dates?”

Even I felt I was being nasty, but I couldn‟t help but be furious.

For the past two weeks I had been writing her love letters. I went to the Archery Club, and I went

to the library to search for previous yearbooks. I did a lot to help Takeda-san.

Just from looking at how happy Takeda was when she was talking about Shuuji-senpai, I made

up my mind to help Takeda-san communicate her feelings to senpai. Everyday Takeda-san

would cheerfully come to me and report what happened between her and Shuuji-senpai that day.

Even though I was mocked by my cla.s.smates, I still felt very happy to help. When Takeda-san

came to me crying, and asked me to help Shuuji-senpai, just like her I felt sad as well.

But she already had a boyfriend since April? And that they had been deeply in love since then?

Stop kidding around!

Upon reaching the plateau in between the staircase steps, I stopped, turned around and glared at

Takeda-san.

Takeda-san shrank her body and lowered her head.

“You already had a boyfriend, yet you acted as if you secretly admired a senpai from the archery

club. What do you want me to do? What‟s your reason?”

Takeda-san looked miserable, but she remained silent.

“If you can‟t answer it‟s fine. Either way what you told me were all lies. Shuuji Kataoka already

died 10 years ago by jumping off the school roof.”

When I said that, Takeda-san looked up in horror. Even though I knew that continuing to attack

her wouldn't do anybody any good, I couldn‟t hold it in:

“Shuuji Kataoka lives only in your imagination. I don‟t want to be toyed around anymore. Even

though the incident happened ten years ago, I still feel crummy knowing that someone who

looked like me killed himself by jumping off a building. I just want to forget all this, so don‟t

ever come to my cla.s.sroom and attempt to find me ever again.”

I turned around and started moving up the staircase. At that moment, Takeda-san, with all the

force she could muster, squeezed out a sound and said to me:

“For…for a person like Konoha-senpai…you won‟t understand ….”

I turned around. Takeda was looking at me with a desolate expression.

That expression was the same as the one I got from a girl I once knew. This was the last

expression she had on her, when she looked at me. I was flabbergasted.

(Miu……!)

Takeda-san tightly bit her lips, lowered her head, and ran down the stairs.

And I just stood there, unable to move.

-„Konoha, surely you don‟t understand…‟

[Long TL note: This line is extremely important to the story. You will see this line over and over

again throughout most of the volumes in this series. Since it‟s so important, I will do a bit of

explanation hereThere

are multiple ways one can translate this line. For example, the simplest (and most logical,

surprisingly) translation would be „Konoha, you don‟t understand.‟ As in he currently does not

understand. Of course, this implied simple present tense.

This would make sense because as we are all aware, main male characters in anime are

dumba.s.ses.

The problem is future tense will also work: „Konoha, you won‟t understand.‟

The original j.a.panese line uses present tense; unfortunately, their present tense can in some cases

encompa.s.s future tense. To add to the mix, both tenses will work in the context of the story.

Finally, the original line had the word??? in it. It translates to as „surely, definitely‟. The

j.a.panese version of the word sounded very „right‟ in the sentence; but when I tried to translate it

to English, all h.e.l.l broke loose. „For sure‟ doesn‟t sound good; „definitely‟, nope; „clearly‟, this

implied previous events; „doubtless‟, too formal…and so on and so forth.

The real translation is something like „Konoha, it seems for sure you don‟t/won‟t understand

[why this is happening]...‟ . By G.o.d, that sounded clunky.

Bungaku Shoujo: Volume1 Chapter5

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