Volume I Part 6 (2/2)
Having made up my mind to shew her every kindness infor the night, of telling Doctor Gozzi that, for conscientious motives, I could not confess to Father Mancia, and yet that I did not wish to be an exception in that matter
He kindly answered that he understood my reasons, and that he would take us all to the church of Saint-Antoine I kissed his hand in token ofgone according to her wishes, I saw Bettina sit down to the table with a face beao to bed in consequence of a wound in my foot; the doctor acco alone, availed herself of the opportunity, came to my room and sat down on my bed I had expected her visit, and I received it with pleasure, as it heralded an explanation for which I was positively longing
She began by expressing a hope that I would not be angry with her for seizing the first opportunity she had of some conversation with me
”No,” I answered, ”for you thus afford s towards you being those of a friend only, you need not have any fear ofyou any anxiety or displeasure Therefore Bettina, you may do whatever suits you; iven the death-stroke to the intense passion which was blosso in my heart When I reached my room, after the ill-treatment I had experienced at Cordiani's hands, I felt for you nothing but hatred; that feeling soon ed into utter contempt, but that sensation itself was in ti of the deepest indifference, which again has given hen I sahat power there is in your reatest esteem for your cleverness I have been the dupe of it, but no matter; that talent of yours does exist, it is wonderful, divine, I ade I can render to it is, in my estis of friendshi+p Reciprocate that friendshi+p, be true, sincere, and plain dealing Give up all nonsense, for you have already obtained fronant tothe only one loved You are at liberty to lay e, but I feel so, and I cannot help it You have written to me that you never speak to Cordiani; if I aret it, and I think that, in the interest of your honour, you would do well to make it up with hirounds for ue or suspicion Recollect also that, if you have tempted him by the same manoeuvres which you have e, for it may be that, if he truly loves you, you have caused him to be miserable”
”All you have just said to rounded upon false impressions and deceptive appearances I do not love Cordiani, and I never had any love for him; on the contrary, I have felt, and I do feel, for him a hatred which he has richly deserved, and I hope to convince you, in spite of every appearance which seems to convict me
As to the reproach of seduction, I entreat you to spare me such an accusation On our side, consider that, if you had not yourself thrown temptation in my way, I never would have committed towards you an action of which I have deeply repented, for reasons which you do not know, but which you uilty of is a serious one only because I did not foresee the injury it would do rate who dares to reproachtears: all she had said was not unlikely and rather complimentary to my vanity, but I had seen too much Besides, I knew the extent of her cleverness, and it was very natural to lend her a wish to deceivethat her visit totoo deeply wounded to letto herself? Therefore, unshaken in my preconceived opinion, I told her that I placed i the state of her heart previous to the playful nonsense which had been the origin of my love for her, and that I proain to my accusation of seduction ”But,” I continued, ”confess that the fire at that ti in your bosohtest breath of wind had been enough to extinguish it Your virtue, which went astray for only one instant, and which has so suddenly recovered its mastery over your senses, deserves so love for me, became all at once blind to ht It remains for me to learn how that virtue could be so very dear to you, at the very tiht”
Bettina eyed me with the air of triuives to a person, and said: ”You have just reached the point where I wished you to be You shall now beto your refusing the appointave you for no other purpose than to tell you all the truth
Cordiani declared his love for ed e, if his father made the demand of my hand as soon as he should have completed his studies My ansas that I did not know him sufficiently, that I could form no idea on the subject, and I requested him not to allude to it any iven up the matter, but soon after, I found out that it was not the case; he begged me one day to come to his room now and then to dress his hair; I told him I had no time to spare, and he rehed at this reproach, as everyone here knew that I had the care of you It was a fortnight after my refusal to Cordiani, that I unfortunately spent an hour with you in that loving nonsense which has naturally given you ideas until then unknown to your senses That hour iven way to very natural desires, I revelled in htest reain with you the next , but after supper, misfortune laid for the first time its hand upon me Cordiani slipped in my hands this note and this letter which I have since hidden in a hole in the wall, with the intention of shewing the this, Bettina handed me the note and the letter; the first ran as follows: ”Ad to the yard, can be left ajar, or prepare yourself to make the best of it with the doctor, to whom I intend to deliver, if you should refuse my request, the letter of which I enclose a copy”
The letter contained the stateed informer, and would certainly have caused the most unpleasant results In that letter Cordiani infors withhis ed himself to enter into particulars which would leave hi to the case the consideration it required,” continued Bettina, ”I made upfixed, I put into let him come in, as my closet is divided only by a thin partition froht have roused up My first question to Cordiani was in reference to the slander contained in the letter he threatened to deliver to my brother: he answered that it was no slander, for he had been a witness to everything that had taken place in the arret just above your bed, and to which he would apply his eye the moment he knew that I was in your roo to ranted hination I loaded him with the most bitter insults, I called him a cowardly spy and slanderer, for he could not have seen anything but childish playfulness, and I declared to him that he need not flatter hihtest coedour the odiu in the fervent love I had kindled in his heart, and which ht be a slander, that he had acted treacherously, and he pledged his honour never to atte from me by violence favours which he desired to ht ht love hiain co the absence of my brother In this way I dis for so ht now and then have some conversation in the sarieved that I could no longer see you in the absence of my brother, and that I was unable, for fear of consequences, to let you know the reason of e Three weeks passed off in that position, and I cannot express what have been ed me to come, and I was always under the painful necessity of disappointing you I even feared to find myself alone with you, for I felt certain that I could not have refrained froe in my conduct To crown my misery, add that I found myself compelled, at least once a week, to receive the vile Cordiani outside of my room, and to speak to him, in order to check his impatience with a feords At last, unable to bear up any longer under such ony I wished to disclose to you all this intrigue, leaving to you the care of bringing a change for the better, and for that purpose I proposed that you should accoh I kneould enrage Cordiani; but round The unexpected departure of ested to both of you the sa Cordiani's letter that I promised to come to you Cordiani did not ask for an appoint forhim that I could not allow him to come, any more than I could find tiht, as I intended to do, for I reckoned that after an hour's talk I would dis; Cordiani had conceived a sche to all he had to say about it His whining and exaggerated co to further the plan he had concocted, and which he thought I would accept with rapture if I loved hi holy week, and to run away to Ferrara, where he had an uncle ould have given us a kind welcoive him and to insure our happiness for life The objections I made, his answers, the details to be entered into, the explanations and the ways and means to be examined to obviate the difficulties of the project, took up the whole night My heart was bleeding as I thought of you; butthat could render me unworthy of your esteem You cannot refuse it to me, unless you believe that the confession I have just made is untrue; but you would be both mistaken and unjust Had I rant favours which love alone ought to obtain, I ot rid of the treacherous wretch within one hour, but death seemed preferable to such a dreadful expedient Could I in any way suppose that you were outside of my door, exposed to the wind and to the snow? Both of us were deserving of pity, but reater than yours All these fearful circumstances ritten in the book of fate, to make me lose my reason, which now returns only at intervals, and I am in constant dread of a fresh attack of those awful convulsions They say I am bewitched, and possessed of the de about it, but if it should be true I am the , and burst into a violent storh I felt that all she had said ht be true, and yet was scarcely worthy of belief:
'Forse era ver, nor'
But she eeping, and her tears, which at all events were not deceptive, took away from me the faculty of doubt Yet I put her tears to the account of her wounded self-love; to give way entirely I needed a thorough conviction, and to obtain it evidence was necessary, probability was not enough I could not admit either Cordiani's moderation or Bettina's patience, or the fact of seven hours employed in innocent conversation In spite of all these considerations, I felt a sort of pleasure in accepting for ready cash all the counterfeit coins that she had spread out beforeher tears, Bettina fixed her beautiful eyes upon ns of her victory; but I surprised her , she had neglected to mention in her defence Rhetoric makes use of nature's secrets in the same way as painters who try to iirl, whoseconsidered innocent and artless, and she did her best to succeed, but I had seen too good a specimen of her cleverness
”Well, my dear Bettina,” I said, ”your story has affectedto accept your convulsions as natural, and to believe in the de the exorcish you very properly expressed your doubts on thesilent for a few ave way to fresh tears, exclai now and then: ”Poormost painful to me, I asked what I could do for her She answered in a sad tone that if est to me what to do, she did not herself see what she could deht,” said she, ”that I would reconquer my lost influence over your heart, but, I see it too plainly, you no longer feel an interest infor s which are but too real, which you have caused, and which you will now increase Some day, but too late, you will be sorry, and your repentance will be bitter indeed”
As she pronounced these words she rose to take her leave; but judging her capable of anything I felt afraid, and I detained her to say that the only way to regain my affection was to remain one month without convulsions and without handso required
”I cannot help being convulsed,” she answered, ”but what do youto the Jacobin that epithet of handsome? Could you suppose--?”
”Not at all, not at all--I suppose nothing; to do so would be necessary forthat the preference given by your devils to the exorcisly Capuchin is likely to give birth to remarks rather detrimental to your honour Moreover, you are free to do whatever pleases you”
Thereupon she left my room, and a few minutes later everybody came home
After supper the servant, without any question on one to bed with violent feverish chills, having previously had her bed carried into the kitchen beside her ht be real, but I had my doubts I felt certain that she would never ood health would have supplied ainst her pretended innocence, even in the case of Cordiani; I likewise considered her idea of having her bed placed near herbut artful contrivance