Part 26 (1/2)

She whipped back the cover and climbed from bed, me fumbling behind her, lighting a candle. Sky sat up in the hot, sputtering dark.

”Come on, get up,” mauma told her. ”We fixing to roll the quilt frame down over the bed.”

Sky lumbered over to us, looking confused, while I grabbed the rope and brought it down, the pulley wheels begging for oil.

Mauma dug through the pile on the frame and found the quilt near the bottom. When she shook it out, the old quilt smell filled the room. She slit the backing and sent her hand rooting inside. Grinning, she pulled out a thin bundle, then five more, all wrapped in muslin and tied with string so rotted it came apart in her hands. ”Well, look here,” she said.

”What you find?” Sky asked.

After we'd told her about the hiring-out mauma used to do, and we'd danced round and pored over the riches, we laid the money on the frame, and I winched it back to the ceiling.

Sky went on back to sleep, but me and mauma lay wide-eyed.

She said, ”Tomorrow, first thing, you tie the money up fresh and sew it back inside the quilt.”

”It's not enough to buy all three of us.”

”I know that, we just gon hold on to it for now.”

The night drew on, and I started to drift, floating to the edge. Just before I went over, I heard mauma say, ”I don't spec to get free. The only way I'm getting free is for you to get free.”

Sarah.

13 April 1828.

Dearest Nina, Last month, Israel proposed marriage, declaring himself at long last. You'll be surprised to learn I turned him down. He didn't want me to go on with my plans for the ministry, at least not as his wife. How could I choose someone who would force me to give up my own small reach for meaning? I chose myself, and without consolation.

You should have seen him. He couldn't accept that a faded-looking woman in middle age would choose aloneness over him. Respectable, handsome Israel. When I delivered my answer, he asked if I felt ill, if I was myself. He explained the gravity of my mistake. He said I should reconsider. He insisted I speak with the elders. As if those men could ever know my heart.

People at Arch Street can't conceive of my refusal any more than Israel. They think I'm selfish and misguided. Am I, Nina? Am I a fool? As the weeks pa.s.s without his visits, and I feel inconsolable, I fear I've made the worst mistake of my life.

I want to tell you I'm strong and resolute, but in truth, I feel afraid and alone and uncertain. I feel as if he has died, and I suppose in some way it's true. I'm left with nothing but this strange beating in my heart that tells me I'm meant to do something in this world. I cannot apologize for it, or for loving this small beating as much as him.

I think of you and your Reverend McDowell with hope and blessings.

Pray for your loving sister, Sarah.

I laid down the pen and sealed the letter. It was late, the Mott house asleep, the candle a nub, the night impervious on the window. For weeks, I'd resisted writing to Nina, but now it was done, and it seemed a turning point, an abdication of what I'd always been to her: mother, rescuer, exemplar. I didn't want to be those things anymore. I wanted to be what I was, her fallible sister.

When Lucretia handed me Nina's letter, I was in the kitchen making biscuits the way Aunt-Sister made them, with wheat flour, b.u.t.ter, cold water, and a spoonful of sugar. I wasn't inclined toward baking, but I did try to be of help now and then. I opened the letter, standing over the bowl of flour.

1 June 1828 Dearest Sister, Take Heart. Marriage is overvalued.

My own news, though not as dire as yours, is similar. Some weeks ago, I went before a meeting at church and requested the elders give up their slaves and publicly denounce slavery. It was not well-received. Everyone, including Mother, our brother Thomas, and even Reverend McDowell, behaved as if I'd committed a crime. I asked them to give up a sin, not Christ and the Bible!

Reverend McDowell agrees with me in spirit, but when I pressed him to preach publicly what he says to me in private, he refused. ”Pray and wait,” he told me. ”Pray and act,” I snapped. ”Pray and speak!”

How could I marry someone who displays such cowardice?

I have no choice now but to leave his church. I've decided to follow in your steps and become a Quaker. I shudder to think of the gruesome dresses and the barren meetinghouse, but my course is set.

Fine riddance to Israel! Be consoled in knowing the world depends upon the small beating in your heart.

Yours, Nina When I finished reading, I pulled a chair from the pine table and sat. Motes of flour-dust were drifting in the air. It seemed an odd convergence that Nina and I would both taste this pain only weeks apart. Fine riddance to Israel, she'd written, but it wasn't fine. I feared I would love him the rest of my life, that I would always wonder what it would've been like to spend my life with him at Green Hill. I longed for it in that excruciating way one has of romanticizing the life she didn't choose. But sitting here now, I knew if I'd accepted Israel's proposal, I would've regretted that, too. I'd chosen the regret I could live with best, that's all. I'd chosen the life I belonged to.

I'd struggled for nearly two years to be acknowledged as a minister, without success, and I bore down now on my efforts, performing charitable work at the children's asylum in order to win over the Quaker women and spending so many evenings reading texts on Quaker thought and wors.h.i.+p I smelled perpetually of paraffin. The crucial factor, though, was my utterances in Meeting, which were completely dismal. My nervousness about speaking always made my stammer worse, and Mr. Bettleman complained loudly about my ”incoherent mumblings.” It was said that rhetorical polish wasn't required for the ministry, but the fact was all the ministers on the Facing bench were appallingly eloquent.

I sought out the doctor who'd provided my spectacles, in hope, finally, of a cure, but he terrified me with talk of operations in which the root of one's tongue was sliced and the excess tissue removed. I left, vowing I would never return. That night, unable to sleep, I sat in the kitchen with warm milk and nutmeg, repeating Wicked w.i.l.l.y Wiggle over and over, the little tongue exercise Nina had once insisted I do when she was a child.

8 October 1828 My Dear Sarah, I am to be publicly expelled from Third Presbyterian Church. It seems they do not take well to my attending Quaker meetings these past few months. Mother is appalled. She insists my downfall began when I refused confirmation into St. Philip's. According to her, I was a twelve-year-old marionette whose strings you pulled, and now I'm a grown marionette of twenty-four whose strings you're manipulating all the way from Philadelphia. How skilled you are! Mother also felt compelled to add that I'm an unmarried marionette, thanks to my pride and my opinionated tongue.

Yesterday, Reverend McDowell visited, informing me I must return to ”the fold of G.o.d's elect” or be summoned before the church session to stand trial for broken vows and neglect of wors.h.i.+p. Have you ever? I spoke as calmly as I could: ”Deliver your doc.u.ment citing me to appear in your court, and I'll come and defend myself.” Then I offered him tea. As Mother says, I'm proud, proud even of my pride. But when he departed, I fled to my room and gave way to tears. I am on trial!

Mother says I must give up my Quaker foolishness and return to the Presbyterians or bring public scandal upon the Grimkes. Well, we've endured them before, haven't we? Father's impeachment, that despicable Burke Williams, and your aweing ”desertion” to the North. It's my turn now.

I remain firm. Your Sister, Nina Over the next year, my letters to Nina were the nearest thing to a diary I'd written since Father's death. I told her how I practiced saying Wicked w.i.l.l.y Wiggle, of the fear my voice would keep me from realizing my largest hopes. I wrote of the anguish of seeing Israel each week at Meetings, the way he avoided me while his sister, Catherine, warmed to me considerably, a volte-face I couldn't have imagined when I first returned here.

I sent Nina sketches I drew of the studio and recounted the talks Lucretia and I had there. I kept her abreast of the livelier pet.i.tions that circulated in Philadelphia: to keep free blacks from being turned out of white neighborhoods, to ban the ”colored bench” in meetinghouses.

”It has come as a great revelation to me,” I wrote her, ”that abolition is different from the desire for racial equality. Color prejudice is at the bottom of everything. If it's not fixed, the plight of the Negro will continue long after abolition.”

In response, Nina wrote, ”I wish I might nail your letter onto a public post on Meeting Street!”

The thought of that was not at all unpleasant to me.

She wrote of her battles with Mother, the dryness of sitting in the Quaker meetinghouse, and the rampant ostracism she faced in Charleston for doing so. ”How long must I remain in this land of slavery?” she wrote.

Then, on a languid summer day, Lucretia placed a letter in my hands.

12 August 1829 Dear Sarah, Several days ago, in route to visit one of the sick in our Meeting, I was standing on the corner of Magazine and Archdale when I encountered two boys-they were mere boys!-escorting a terrified slave to the Work House. She was pleading with them to change their minds, and seeing me, she begged more tearfully, ”Please missus, help me.” I could do nothing.

I see now that I can do nothing here. I'm coming to you, Sister. I will quit Charleston and sail to Philadelphia in late October after the storms. We shall be together, and together nothing shall deter us.

With Abiding Love, Nina I'd been expecting Nina for over a week, keeping vigil at the window of my new room in Catherine's house. The November weather had been spiteful, delaying her s.h.i.+p, but yesterday the clouds had broken.

Today. Surely, today.

On my lap was a slender compendium on Quaker wors.h.i.+p, but I couldn't concentrate. Closing it, I paced back and forth in the narrow room, an unadorned little cell similar to the one that awaited Nina across the hall. I wondered what she'd think of it.