Part 23 (1/2)
”You could use it, my dear,” Wendy said under her breath.
a a a I called Jake as soon as the meeting broke up, but he was already on a plane to Boston from Atlanta, so I had to leave a message about my change in plans. If the taping ended on time, which was never a guarantee, I might get out of the studio by three-thirty. That would probably give me enough time to catch my train.
Wendy was already in makeup, so I settled into an empty conference room to prepare for my appearance on her show. What was I supposed to do at the last minute? If I'd had proper notice, I would have pulled together a fun montage of my favorite clips with a soundtrack and graphics, but there was no time for that now. Clearly, I just was going to have to wing it and talk. About what, I had no idea. I wondered why Wendy hadn't told me about this earlier. Was she trying to ambush me again? Was she more upset about the holiday party than she'd let on?
Scotty had already left, so I couldn't check in with him. I scribbled a few notes and tried to think of what to say on camera. This could be a Honey on Your Mind segment on its own, I thought. ”So what's on your mind, Waverly? Wondering how to deal with a lunatic boss, that's what.”
I chewed on a pencil and stared at the page in front of me.
I am so screwed.
I let out a loud sigh and put both my hands on my head.
Ugh.
”You doing all right, Waverly?”
The sound of a voice startled me. I looked up and saw the skinny intern standing in the doorway.
”Are you OK? I heard that sigh all the way down the hall,” he said.
I offered up a weak smile. ”Oh, hi, Ben. I'm fine, just preparing for the show this afternoon.” I covered the sheet of paper with my hand, not wanting him to see that it was nearly empty.
He laughed and pointed to my hand. ”It's OK, I'm not going to steal your answers to the history midterm. Or is it the SAT?”
I looked at the paper and laughed too. ”Sorry, I have no idea why I did that.”
He sat down across from me. ”Let me guess. You're brainstorming ideas for what to say on the show...because you didn't prepare anything...because Wendy never told you about it?”
I pointed at him. ”Bingo.” This was the most I'd ever heard him speak.
”Why not read some of those hilarious e-mails you've shared with us in the staff meetings?”
I chewed on my pencil again. ”You think so? You like those?”
He nodded. ”I love them. They keep me from falling asleep when Wendy starts droning on about her latest shopping spree on Fifth Avenue.”
I laughed. ”I hadn't thought of that. What a great idea.”
”I think the audience would really enjoy it.”
”Thanks so much, Ben, really. You may have just saved me from completely humiliating myself on national television.”
”My pleasure, Waverly. Happy holidays.”
As he sauntered down to the break room, I ran to an empty workstation and logged on to my e-mail account. It wasn't a video montage, but within seconds, I had a pile of potential material staring back at me.
Score one for the intern.
a a a ”Waverly, it's so nice to have you join us on the set like this. It's been awhile.” Wendy beamed at me from her plush chair.
I smiled back and s.h.i.+fted slightly in my intentionally not-as-plush seat. ”Thanks, Wendy. I'm glad to be here.”
She clapped her freshly manicured hands together and looked out at the audience. ”So, my friends, I know you've all enjoyed Waverly's Honey on Your Mind segment, so I thought it would be fun to invite her on stage for a little behind-the-scenes gossip.” She turned to me again. ”Waverly, can you share with us some of the moments that didn't make it on camera? It would be a hoot to see some bloopers.”
Like a seasoned politician, I deflected her question to focus on the answer I had prepared. ”Actually, I thought I'd do something a little different.” I looked out at the audience. ”What do you all think? Mix it up a little?”
As a small cheer erupted from the crowd, I could feel visual daggers coming from Wendy's direction. At least I was ready for them this time. I turned to face her with a forced smile. ”Does that sound OK to you, Wendy?”
Her own phony smile was even bigger than mine. ”Why suuure, Waverly. That sounds wuuunderful. What did you have in mind?” Wow, she's a genius at being fake, I thought.
I sat up a little straighter and turned back to the audience. ”Great. Well, as you know, on my segment I talk about things that are on my mind as well as on the minds of people on the streets of New York.”
Wendy nodded, as did the audience.
”However, I also receive a lot of e-mails from viewers across the country who like to share with me what's on their minds.”
More nods.
”So I thought it would be fun to share some of the, um, more colorful ones, with you today.”
Wendy raised her eyebrows and tilted her head slightly to the side. ”That sounds like it could be a little...shall we say...dangerous.” She turned to the audience and winked. Everyone laughed.
I laughed too. ”This is true. I definitely get some e-mails that aren't fit for public consumption. However, the majority of them are very entertaining.” I held up a piece of paper and looked out at the audience. ”I've got some fun ones here. Anyone interested?”
”Yes!” the audience shouted.
”Well there you go,” Wendy said with a smile that could melt steel. ”Let's hear them.”
”OK, here goes.” I cleared my throat and began to read: ”Dear Waverly, I just saw a lady pus.h.i.+ng a dog in a baby stroller. A dog. No baby in sight. What the h.e.l.l? That's what's on my mind, why people are such idiots.”
Laughter from the audience.
”Hi, Waverly, you know what's on my mind? b.u.mper stickers. I'm of the opinion that the number of b.u.mper stickers on a person's car is roughly the same as the number of days that person goes between showers. Just thought I'd share.”
More laughter.
”Dear Waverly, why is there never enough parking in Chicago? It drives me crazy. I even saw a sign in front of a church the other day that said, THOU SHALL NOT PARK HERE. At least G.o.d is laughing with us, not at us.”
More laughter.
I glanced over at Wendy. She was nodding and smiling and truly seemed to be enjoying herself. This is going really well.