Volume Ix Part 45 (1/2)

CHURMS.

Marry, I think 'twould be a good match. But the young man has had very simple bringing-up.

GRIPE.

Tus.h.!.+ what care I for that? so he have lands and living enough, my daughter has bringing up will serve them both. Now I would have you to write me a letter to goodman Plod-all concerning this matter, and I'll please you for your pains.

CHURMS.

I'll warrant you, sir; I'll do it artificially.

GRIPE.

Do, good Master Churms; but be very secret. I have some business this morning, and therefore I'll leave you a while; and if you will come to dinner to me anon, you shall be very heartily welcome.

CHURMS.

Thanks, good sir; I'll trouble you. [_Exit_ GRIPE.] Now 'twere a good jest, if I could cosen the old churl of his daughter, and get the wench for myself. Zounds, I am as proper a man as Peter Plod-all: and though his father be as good a man as mine, yet far-fetched and dear-bought is good for ladies; and, I am sure, I have been as far as Cales[141] to fetch that I have. I have been at Cambridge, a scholar; at Cales, a soldier; and now in the country a lawyer; and the next degree shall be a coneycatcher: for I'll go near to cosen old father share-penny[142] of his daughter; I'll cast about, I'll warrant him: I'll go dine with him, and write him his letter; and then I'll go seek out my kind companion Robin Goodfellow: and, betwixt us, we'll make her yield to anything.

We'll ha' the common law o' the one hand, and the civil law o' the other: we'll toss Lelia like a tennis-ball. [_Exit_.

_Enter old_ PLOD-ALL _and his son_ PETER, _an_ OLD MAN, _Plod-all's tenant, and_ WILL CRICKET, _his son_.

PLOD-ALL.

Ah, tenant, an ill-husband, by'r Lady: thrice at thy house, and never at home? You know my mind: will you give ten s.h.i.+llings more rent? I must discharge you else.

OLD MAN.

Alas! landlord, will you undo me! I sit of a great rent already, and am very poor.

WILL CRICKET.

Very poor? you're a very a.s.s. Lord, how my stomach wambles at the same word _very poor_! Father, if you love your son William, never name that same word, _very poor_; for, I'll stand to it, that it's petty larceny to name _very poor_ to a man that's o' the top of his marriage.

OLD MAN.

Why, son, art o' the top of thy marriage? To whom, I prythee?

WILL CRICKET.

Marry, to pretty Peg, Mistress Lelia's nurse's daughter. O, 'tis the dapp'rest wench that ever danced after a tabor and pipe--

For she will so heel it, And toe it, and trip it;-- O, her b.u.t.tocks will quake like a custard.

PETER PLOD-ALL.

Why, William, when were you with her?

WILL CRICKET.

O Peter, does your mouth water at that? Truly, I was never with her; but I know I shall speed: 'for t'other day she looked on me and laughed, and that's a good sign, ye know. And therefore, old Silver-top, never talk of charging or discharging: for I tell you, I am my father's heir; and if you discharge me, I'll discharge my pestilence at you: for to let my house before my lease be out, is cut-throatery; and to sc.r.a.pe for more rent, is poll-dennery;[143] and so fare you well, good grandsire Usury.

Come, father, let's be gone.

[_Exeunt_ WILL _and his father_.

PLOD-ALL.

Well, I'll make the beggarly knaves to pack for this: I'll have it every cross, income and rent too.

_Enter_ CHURMS _with a letter_.

But stay, here comes one. O, 'tis Master Churms: I hope he brings me some good news. Master Churms, you're well-met; I am e'en almost starved for money: you must take some d.a.m.nable course with my tenants; they'll not pay.