Part 80 (2/2)

[_He shakes his pocket._

ALL. Hey for a fee-farm rent in Tunis!

[_Exeunt capering._

SCENE III.

_Enter two_ COUNTRY BOORS.

HUS. Content thee, content thee, Christabel.

WIFE. Yes, surely, that's a trim word; but when, trow you, had I it? As I am an honest woman, I have been this goodman Fumbler's wife so many years, and he never yet gave me content. 'Tis such a dry pilchard, he deserves nothing more than basting.

HUS. Fie, Christabel! fie, for shame! hold thy trattles; is it my fault if thou be barren?

WIFE. Barren, you cods-head! Lies the fault there, you island cur! Nay, all the parish will witness for me that I was not barren before I met with you. Barren, st.i.tchel![175] that shall not serve thy turn. In plain terms, Jocelin, since thou cannot content me one way, thou shalt another.

HUS. What would my duck have?

WIFE. What, my drake, the law will give me.

HUS. Law!

WIFE. Yes, you wizard.[176] I have already fed a glib-tongued parrot, with a coif on his head, that will trounce you.

HUS. What have I done, my malmsey?

WIFE. Nay, your doing nothing, you dumpling, has brought you into this pickle. The short and the long on't is this, I will have ale-money.[177]

HUS. Ale-money! what means my chicken by that?

WIFE. I have been neither so long nor ill taught by my betters, but I know the meaning of ale-money well enough. My land'slady Joculette, G.o.d bless her! is matched to as handsome a frolic youngster as one can see on a summer's day; yet she dislikes him, and has recovered a good stock of ale-money. I love to follow the example of my betters. Set your heart at rest, Jocelin; I must and will have ale-money.

HUS. Thou shalt have anything, my coney Christabel, so thou wilt rest contented.

WIFE. Nay, husband, you know well that I am forced many nights to go to rest weakly contented. But, if I chance to trudge to court, I mean to lie all open; you shall hear. I intend not to lay leaves on my wounds. The duke, I hear, is a merciful man, and will not suffer any of his poor subjects to fall short of their due.

HUS. Well, girl, thou shalt find me ready to appear before his grace at any time.

WIFE. You'll have a gracious bargain on't then, doubtless. Trust me, Jocelin, you will distemper all our ladies at court, if you push at the gate with your ram-horns.

HUS. She's possessed, sure.

WIFE. No, not yet; but I mean shortly to be possessed of my ale-money. You shall play no more the sharking foist with me, you fumbling fiddler, you. I hope I have friends at court that will take course that I may have my whole due; and then _foutre_ for Jocelin!

[_Exit._

HUS. Well, the thought is ta'en. I see one must thank G.o.d for a shrew as well as for a sheep, though the sheep have more wool on his back, and affords a more savoury repast at the board. Hanging and wedding go by destiny, and I hold the former to be the happier destiny of the twain; yet he that will practise the art of swinging in a halter, either to please or cross a shrew's humour, let him hang like a puppy without hope of pity, and die intestate to make his wife heir on't, till some nimble younker become his successor, and, stumbling on his grave, laugh at the cuckoldly slave.

[_Exit._

<script>