Part 14 (1/2)

Sometimes you can't go anywhere without setting off a chorus of whistles, catcalls, p.o.r.nographic propositions, nasty comments, kissing noises, barking, derogatory remarks, ethnic slurs, s.e.xual innuendos, and ratings games.

Is it any wonder that more women than men suffer from migraines?

The prevailing wisdom, of course, is to ignore the ignoramuses. But sometimes the constant hara.s.sment just wears a girl down. We end up walking around enraged, defensive, uncomfortable, and annoyed. And why should we suffer? We're not the ones with the verbal diarrhea here.

So while talking back might not curb the dogs, so to speak, it may at least help us to blow off some steam.

Suggested retorts: ”Get a life, get a job” used to work wonders for the home-girls in my neighborhood.

Ditto for, ”Dream on, baby.”

”Tell it to your mother” gives guys pause.

So does, ”Yeah? Say that to your wife and daughters. See how much they appreciate a comment like that.”

And something my co-worker used to say a lot: ”You couldn't afford me.”

Of course, with all of these we risk provoking the guys and escalating the exchange. So, obviously, we've got to choose our battles.

But my friends and I discovered a comeback that has served us well and seems to be all-purpose: ”Suffer, baby.”

It keeps us in a position of power, not defensiveness, and actually makes the guy laugh.

More important, it usually leaves him speechless, while we keep right on walking like all that.

6. Don't f.u.c.k Republicans or anti-choicers. Take it from those comedic Greeks. In Aristophanes' play Lysistrata, the women withheld their s.e.xual favors from the men in order to put an end to the war between Athens and Sparta. By the end of the play, the guys were all hobbling around the Acropolis with huge erections, frantically brokering peace.

Well, now. For years, certain American men have been waging a war against women's s.e.xuality and reproductive freedom. (Big surprise: Seventy percent of ”pro-life” activist leaders are men, as are the majority of hard-core Republicans). So why should we put out for them?

Really. The f.u.c.k should stop here. Any guy who votes or works against our s.e.xual freedom and equality-actively or pa.s.sively-shouldn't be allowed to reap the benefits of it. Let him see that his politics have real consequences. If it's so important to him to control s.e.xual activity and reproductive rights, let him start with his own. We'll be all too happy to help him.

I mean, we don't see too many Sistahs voluntarily sleeping with the Boyz in White Hoods, do we? Or Jewish chicks willingly bedding down with neo-n.a.z.is? Why share our booty with someone who's trying to make it property of the US Government?

If a guy wants to enjoy our cookies, then let him defend our bakery, thank you.

7. And if all else fails: Knee 'em in the nuts. Hey, if guys are really going to abuse their s.e.xual power, we gotta take it away from them. G.o.ddess knows men don't think twice about preying on our physical vulnerabilities. Besides, if a guy's family jewels are so sacred, Mother Nature wouldn't have put 'em right out there in front, just dangling in the wind, in the direct line of our fabulous kneecaps.

Chapter 23.

Onward, Vixen Soldiers!

In politics, if you want anything said,

ask a man. If you want anything done,

ask a woman.

-MARGARET THATCHER Okay, here's a joke.

In a medieval town, two men and a woman are about to be beheaded.

When the first man is brought to the guillotine, the executioner points to the neck rest and asks, ”Do you want to look up at the blade or down away from it?”

”Down away from it,” says the man.

The executioner places the man's head facedown in the neck rest and pulls the cord. Lo and behold, the blade doesn't fall! The executioner and the attending priest concur that this is a miracle.

”G.o.d has clearly intervened to spare your life!” they tell the prisoner. ”Go! Live in peace with the king's forgiveness!”

The second man is brought to the execution block.

”Do you want to look up at the blade or down away from it?” the executioner asks.

”Down away from it,” says the second man.

The executioner places the man's head facedown in the neck rest and pulls the cord. Again, the blade doesn't fall! Again, the executioner and the priest exclaim, ”This is a miracle! G.o.d has clearly meant to spare your life! Go! Live in peace with the king's forgiveness!”

Then the woman is brought to the block.

”Do you want to look up at the blade or down away from it?” the executioner asks.

”Up at it,” she says.

The executioner places her faceup in the guillotine and pulls the cord. And again! The blade doesn't fall!

”Another miracle!” the executioner and the priest shout.

”Oh, no, I see the problem,” says the woman, pointing up. ”The blade's just stuck. Pull a little harder.”

This joke, told to me by another woman, made me groan: A woman staring right up at the blade, helping it along? Oh, Girls. Let's face it: Sometimes, that's exactly what we do.

Don't get me wrong. Unlike conservatives, I don't get my jollies blaming the poor, oppressed, and downtrodden for being poor, oppressed, and downtrodden. Nor do I believe that we gals get what we deserve in the gender-equity sweepstakes.

But too often, when women are already on the executioner's block, I see us lying there, staring straight up at the blade, and in our eagerness to prove that we're intelligent and cooperative, that we're nice and accommodating and good sports, we help that blade right along.

I can't tell you how often I've heard white friends say, ”Well, I'm not a feminist or anything, but . . .” Or sisters say, ”Hey, feminism is for white girls.” Or straight girls say, ”Feminists are man-hating lesbians.” Or young career women say, ”Feminism is so over.”

The modern women's-rights movement may have been going on for decades, yet we're still reluctant to go to bat for ourselves politically or a.s.sert ourselves as a social force. Our att.i.tude seems to be culled not from the pages of Ms. magazine but from Mad: ”What, Me Worry?” We're a generation of Alfred E. Neumans-albeit with old ”Girl Power” T-s.h.i.+rts and nose rings.

Why are so many young, straight women willing to feminist-bash these days?