Part 9 (1/2)

For those who find comfort in ”misery loves company,” there are always twelve-step programs-guaranteed to introduce us to at least one family more insane that our own. And if we can swing therapy, hey, I was born in New York City, so of course I'm going to recommend it to every SmartMouth G.o.ddess. Unlike the rest of the nation, we white broads from New York think something's wrong with people if they don't have a shrink.

But what if we don't have the time, money, or inclination to spend years ”working out our issues” so that we can ”finally get to a secure place,” so that we can eventually spend a holiday with our lover or eat a piece of cheesecake without hearing the Greek chorus of our relatives condemning our decisions?

Or what if we realize that making peace with our parents can take a lifetime, and since we have only one life to live, we'd rather spend it pursuing more realistic goals?

For those of us who'd like some nontraditional ways of dealing with traditional dilemmas, read on.

1. Be a smarta.s.s. At least once when we're little (which means, as far as our parents are concerned, anytime before we turn fifty), every single one of us hears the phrase, ”Don't you open up a big fresh mouth to me, young lady.” Variations of this include such cla.s.sics as, ”Don't you be sa.s.sin' me,” ”Don't you talk to your mother like that,” and ”One more word like that and I'll wash your mouth out with Palmolive.”

Being a SmartMouth is clearly kin to guerrilla warfare. Which is exactly why we might entertain it as an option. Desperate situations call for desperate measures.

Next time we're bombarded with s.e.xist, busybody, and unsolicited comments from our relatives, we should try opening up that big fresh mouth we've always been told to keep shut. If we're lucky, we may shock or enrage folks enough to make them stop talking to us. Make a habit out of such sarcasm and who knows? We might spend years of being ignored! Consider the following handy responses to frequent and annoying comments: Comment: So, when are you going to get a real job?

A. Hey, what's not ”real” about lap dancing?

B. Well, my boss says that if I continue to be ”nice” to him after hours, I'll never have to work again.

C. How about when Uncle Artie gets a real toupee?

Comment: Still not married, hmmm?

A. Nah, just sleeping around.

B. Well, my boyfreind is, so the way I see it, we're one-for-one.

C. No, but the baby's due in May Comment: You've put on weight.

A. Yeah, great s.e.x'll do that to you.

B. Good. I'll have more to throw around.

C. Let's hope so. Last time you saw me, I was six.

Comment: You're not getting any younger.

A. I know. That's why my lovers are!

B. True, but look at the bright side: At the rate you're aging, you could be back in diapers soon.

C. Gosh, you say that like it's a bad thing.

Comment: So, when are you planning on giving me grandchildren?

A. I don't know. When are you planning on breaking a hip?

B. How's about after you leave me a big inheritance?

C. Not until I get a cute girlfriend and a really good turkey baster.

2. Regard your family as a source of popular entertainment. There's a reason situation comedies are often built around families. What other human unit is such fertile ground for bad one-liners and theater of the absurd?

If it's hard to get any distance from your family's neuroses, try pretending they're on television. Write wacky character descriptions for them in your head, such as: Cousin Harriet, the Queen of Thorazine. Uncle Levar, the Man Who Insists He Could've Won the Lottery If It Wasn't for the G.o.dd.a.m.n Communists. Psycho Cousin Elwood, Who's Making a Suspension Bridge out of String in His Bedroom.

Nothing like reducing our loved ones to caricatures to make them bearable.

Or, alternately, you might try teaming up with a trusted sibling or cousin to hold a secret Family Olympics.

Decide in advance what the categories will be. My personal favorites are Compet.i.tive Nagging (it has to contain at least five minutes of unmitigated nudging); the Long-Distance Guilt Call (”Me? I'm not lonely. Not that you would know.”);Track Discussion (when people belabor the same issue over and over): and Thin-Ice Skating (mentioning any touchy subject).

Take mental notes during the course of the visit. Then, whenever you and your cohorts can sneak away for a few moments, judge your relatives' performance in the various categories: ”I give Uncle Tyron a 5.7 in the Track Discussion but only a 5.3 in the Thin-Ice Skating.”

”What are you, kidding? Did you hear how he ducked out of that conversation about him running off with Celia in that Thunderbird! No, I gave him a 5.9, plus 5.6 for the Track. Mama, though, she gets a perfect 6.0 for the nagging.”

Relatives with the highest score could win a special prize-perhaps a gold, silver, or bronze albatross in honor of the one they've inevitably hung around your neck. Best yet, not only do these Olympics give new meaning to the phrase ”family fun,” but you don't have to sit through tear-jerky bios about the partic.i.p.ants because, hey, you've lived in them!

3. If you're single, grab a buddy. When I went to day camp as a little kid, we weren't allowed to go swimming unless we each had a buddy. The theory was that, even though the two of us could only doggie paddle, we'd somehow prevent each other from drowning by holding hands whenever the lifeguard blew his whistle.

The same theory might work with families. Make a pact with a friend to be each other's buddy. Go with your friend to her family's house for one holiday, then have her join you at yours the next.

Most families, no matter how pathological, try to behave themselves if they have ”company.” Going home with your friend for Thanksgiving will immediately force her relatives to be on their best behavior, while simultaneously absolving you of having to deal with yours. Then, when your buddy comes home with you for the winter holidays, her presence will force your family to be on their best behavior, while absolving her of having to deal with hers. Volley back and forth like this, and you could conceivably go for years without having to deal with your relatives in their pure, unadulterated state.

Of course, the minute your mother says to your buddy, ”Oh, just call me Mom. You're practically family now,” the gig is up. But until then, you're helping to keep each other afloat, even if all you know how to do is the doggie paddle.

4. Some people swap wives, so why not entire families?

Organize it like a Secret Santa. Get everybody who dreads going home to put their last name into a hat. Then, whichever family you draw, that's where you go for the holidays.

5. Let's take a page from the family-values fanatics. Every so often, when they're not busy terrorizing abortion clinics or parading in front of Planned Parenthood with giant plastic fetuses, the family-values fanatics lobby to pa.s.s ”parental consent laws.” These require teenage girls to get their parents' permission before obtaining an abortion. Funnily enough, backers of these laws rarely come out and say: ”Hey, we're trying to pa.s.s these laws to curtail abortion.” They don't even own up to the fact that maybe, just maybe, a few of them get a vengeful, puritanical thrill out of making life more difficult for s.e.xually active girls. Oh, no. These folks insist that pa.s.sing consent laws will make families closer by ”compelling teenagers to talk to their parents.”

Now, of course, anyone who thinks you can make a teenager talk to her parents by pa.s.sing legislation (a) has obviously never been a teenager, (b) has obviously never had a teenager, and (c) is a total f.u.c.king moron.

And yet, the far right continually insists on trying to change and shape fundamental human relations.h.i.+ps through legislation and doctrine. There are the Baptists, deciding in prehistoric 1998 that all women should ”submit” to their husbands as decreed in the Bible. There are some right-to-lifers who believe that women should not be able to get an abortion without the consent of their husbands. Conservatives are constantly talking about laws that will ”reinstate morality,” ”strengthen the family,” and ”restore the family.” (And they actually do this with a straight face. I mean, at least the British Members of Parliament who advocate family values often have the good taste to get caught attempting autoerotic asphyxiation with ”young rent boys” in high heels and garters.) But recently I got to thinking: Maybe the Christian Coalition and their buddies have a point. Maybe the legal system really is the best way to try and change family dynamics. h.e.l.l, nothing else seems to work. Who's to say that using laws to govern intimacy is really that stupid after all?

The problem with the family-values zealots may not be that they're trying to legislate family values-it may be that they're simply trying to legislate the wrong ones.

I mean, if you really want women to be more devoted to their families, try pa.s.sing the following laws instead: a No phone calls from relatives asking if we've met ”anybody nice” yet.

a Parents are prohibited from asking, ”So when are you going to get a life already?” ”Why don't you fix yourself up a little?” and ”Are you sure you want to eat that?” Ditto for inquiring about our friends' marital status, mentioning our biological clock, or critiquing the way we raise our kids.

a If we're gay, family members cannot keep checking to see if we've ”changed our mind” yet.

a The following discussions are permanently banned from all family reunions: Our weight.

Our love lives.