Volume Ii Part 2 (2/2)

'Him with the red nose? Oh, we call him the Professor. He's from Oxford University he says, and gives himself very high and mighty airs when he's in his cups. But they're all right.'

'I'll soon let you know who I am,' said a lad who was listening to the talk.

'Well, who are you?'

'I am a thief, and not ashamed to own it.'

Here there was a general cry of 'Bravo!'

'I ain't done a day's work in my life, and don't mean to. Wot's the good on it? A fellow ain't a bit the better for it at the year's end. He's a deal to bear. He's got to put up with his master's whims; to put up with his foreman and his mates; to toil from morning to night, never to have a day's pleasure; to be a poor slave. No, I know a trick worth two of that.'

Again there were cries of 'Bravo!'

'Why should I work hard for a master to make money by me! Here I can lead a free life. If I am hill, can't I go to the 'ospital? If I ain't got a shot in the locker, can't I nurse up at a soup-kitchen? At the worst I can go into the work'ouse, and get my keep out of the parish.

And then when I'm in luck, what a life I can have at the music-halls and with the gals! I heard the chaplain of the gaol preach a sermon about honesty being the best policy. That's all very fine, but somehow or other I did not seem to see it.'

Here there was more applause.

The speaker continued:

'I've done nothing wot's good. I know I'm a bad un.'

'Yes, we all know that.'

'And why?'

'Ah, that's the question!' said the interested group of listeners.

'I'll tell you for why. I han't no father-at any rate, I never knowed one. My mother turned me out o' doors at the age of thirteen. I then stole a pair o' boots, and was sent to prison for one month for it. What could I do when I came out but go back to thievin'? In a little while I was convicted for stealing out of a till, and sent to prison for three months. Arter a little spreein' about, and a few ups and downs, I came to grief again in an attempt to steal a watch, and this time got six months. After I came out I renewed my wicious courses' (here a laugh went round the room), 'and I got four months for stealin' a purse. As soon as I came out I run agin a perliceman, against whom I had a spite, as he was always 'avin' his heye on me, and got fourteen days'

imprisonment for a.s.sault. The next time I had three months for an attempt to rob a drunken old sailor in the Borough. Then I 'ad six months for stealin' a watch. And the next time-and that I did not like-twelve months for stealin' a purse. However, when I came out I enjoyed my liberty, and did not make a bad use o' my time. Arter that I got a long sentence, and now for good behaviour I am out with a liberty ticket.'

'Well, well, such is life!' said the red-nosed curate, who had been listening attentively. 'I suppose we're all villains of necessity, and fools by a divine thrusting on. What's the odds as long as we're happy?

Look at my learning, my abilities, my virtues-where am I the better? Are we not all on the same low level? All, if I may be pardoned the phrase, a little shaky, a little down in the world? Let's liquor up,' said he, bringing out of his side pocket a bottle of rum, and pa.s.sing it round, often tasting with evident gusto its contents.

In the midst of the excitement a gent came in apparently much excited. I say gent, as he was not a gentleman. He had too red a nose and too sodden an appearance to be taken for anything of the kind. He was a perfect picture of a human wreck as, unwashed and unshaven, with a short pipe in his mouth, he joined the drinking group.

'Hollo, parson,' they all exclaimed, 'wot's the row? Anythink up?'

'Nothing particular, only a highway robbery in the Black Country, and a farmer left for dead.'

'In the Black Country? Where's that?' asked the tramp. 'Whoever heard of such a place?'

'Why, you just said you'd been down there,' said one of the party.

'Well, what if I did? You don't suppose I had anything to do with the job?' said the new-comer angrily.

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