Part 9 (2/2)

”Is that why you're here at s.h.i.+kina?” Kira asked. ”To change things?”

Sisko took a deep breath, then let it out slowly. He cared for Kira, and he held a great deal of respect for her, but he didn't want to discuss his life, even with her. ”I'm not here to change anything,” he said. ”I just needed some time alone, a place to clear my head.”

”Has it worked?” Kira asked, in a way that reminded him of Opaka, whose questions often seemed to imply that she already knew the answer.

”Not as much as I'd hoped,” he said, concerned that an outright lie might encourage more questions.

”How are Kasidy and Rebecca?”

Sisko glanced away involuntarily, and so he pretended to examine the totem. ”They're both well,” he said. Kira said nothing, and when he peered over at her again, he saw her gazing at him with a look of concern.

”So much tension, Benjamin,” she said. ”You seem so troubled, so . . . isolated.”

The last word sent Sis...o...b..unding up from the bench. He walked a few meters away and stopped, not sure what to say, but aware that his long a.s.sociation with Kira gave her a special insight into his moods and behavior. On top of that, his reactions to her had obviously confirmed her concerns. He raised his arms, then dropped them against his sides. Still facing away from Kira, he said, ”I am am isolated.” isolated.”

”I'm sure you must feel that way,” she said. ”But you're not. You have your wife and daughter, your son and his wife. You've got friends, not to mention virtually an entire planetary population that treasures you. And you've got the Prophets.”

”No!” Sisko yelled, whirling back toward Kira. ”I don't have all that.”

Kira stood up and paced over to him. She reached out and tenderly placed a hand on his arm. ”What's happened?”

”The Prophets have abandoned me.” He hadn't wanted to actually speak the words, and now that he had, the situation seemed more real to him.

”What?” Kira said, plainly disbelieving. ”No. I'm sure it feels like that to you, but-”

”Nerys, they've left me,” he said. He shook his head and walked past her, unwilling to discuss any of this but suddenly unable to stop himself from doing so. He turned back toward her. ”For a while, after I returned from the Celestial Temple, I still felt their presence. I thought that they continued to communicate with me, in dreams and in visions . . . but now I'm not so sure. I think those might simply have been my my dreams, dreams, my my visions, with no communication from the Prophets at all.” visions, with no communication from the Prophets at all.”

”Benjamin, I can't believe that's true,” Kira said, ”but even if it is, you know as well as I do-better than I do-that it is difficult to know the will of the Prophets. You've also said that they exist nonlinearly in time. Since we than I do-that it is difficult to know the will of the Prophets. You've also said that they exist nonlinearly in time. Since we do do live linearly, could this just be a . . . disconnect . . . of some kind?” live linearly, could this just be a . . . disconnect . . . of some kind?”

”They've left me,” Sisko said. ”Do you want to know why I'm really here at s.h.i.+kina? I needed a place to stay, so I told myself, why not here? I told myself that I wanted to find a place of silence and seclusion, where I could rest and reflect and make sure I was making the right choices in my life. And I suppose all of that's true, to one degree or another. But really, I came here to find the Prophets.”

Kira took a step toward him, her face a mask of compa.s.sion. ”They're here, Benjamin. They're with you, even if you don't know it, even if you can't feel it.”

”No, they're not,” Sisko said. ”It took me six days to summon up the courage to consult an Orb, but I finally did it today.” He reached forward as if it sat in front of him. ”I opened the doors of the ark and beheld the Orb of Prophecy and Change.” His hands parted in midair, as though revealing the Orb. ”All it did was immerse me in its light.” He peered up at Kira, feeling dazed. ”There was nothing else. I saw nothing. I felt nothing. That's never happened.”

”It happens all the time,” Kira said gently. ”People often consult the Orbs without having an Orb experience.”

”Not me,” Sisko said. ”I am the Emissary of the Prophets.” A sudden realization struck him. ”At least I was was the Emissary.” the Emissary.”

”You still are.”

”No,” he said. ”I see that now. The Prophets ensured my existence, guided my path, and eventually communicated with me . . . all for their own ends.”

”For the people of Bajor,” Kira said. ”You helped save us from the Carda.s.sians, and then from the Dominion. You helped us join the Federation and enter a new age of peace and prosperity.”

”Yes,” Sisko said. ”And now that I've completed the tasks the Prophets set for me, they have no further use for me.”

”Benjamin, of all people, you you must have faith.” must have faith.”

”I do have faith,” Sisko said. He moved back over to the bench and sat down again, feeling exhausted. ”I believe in the existence of the Prophets, and in their love for the people of Bajor. I trust the Prophets, and I know what they told me. You You know what they told me.” know what they told me.”

”I'm . . . not sure what you're talking about,” Kira said.

”They told me I must 'walk the path alone,'” Sisko said.

”Kasidy.”

”Yes,” Sisko said. ”The Prophets told me that if I spent my life with her, I would know nothing but sorrow. I told you about that, and you didn't think that I should marry Kasidy.”

Kira quickly returned to the bench and sat beside him. ”What I thought doesn't matter. It was foolish and wrong of me to say anything. I can't know the will of the Prophets.”

”But you were right, Nerys. They They were right. They were worried about what would happen to me, and I didn't listen. Now look what's happened.” Sisko thought about his father and the cold fact of his death. It seemed impossible that he would never see him again, never hear his stentorian voice, never taste his cooking. were right. They were worried about what would happen to me, and I didn't listen. Now look what's happened.” Sisko thought about his father and the cold fact of his death. It seemed impossible that he would never see him again, never hear his stentorian voice, never taste his cooking.

And my father is only the latest casualty of my arrogance, he thought. ”Think about what's happened since I returned from the Celestial Temple. The Sidau Ma.s.sacre. Iliana Ghemor and the Ascendants. The calamity on Endalla.” He paused in his litany of disasters as he recalled that, prior to battling the Borg at Alonis, the last time he'd seen Elias had been on Endalla.

”But you provided help with those events,” Kira said. ”You saved people's lives.”

”But people did die,” Sisko said. ”And what about in my own life? The deaths of Eivos Calan and his wife. The kidnapping of my daughter. The brain injury to Elias Vaughn.” As he mentioned Vaughn, he realized that Kira might not know what had happened to him, and that he might have insensitively revealed that to her. He knew that during the time Vaughn had served as Kira's first officer aboard Deep s.p.a.ce 9, the two had become good friends. ”Nerys, I'm sorry,” he said. ”Captain Vaughn-”

”I know,” Kira said. ”His daughter contacted me. But you can't blame yourself for that, or for anything you've mentioned. It's a terrible truth that as we grow older, if we continue to live, then more and more of the people around us die.”

”My father died last week.”

”Oh, Benjamin.” Kira leaned forward and put her arms around him. ”I'm so sorry.”

They stayed that way for a few moments, and Sisko didn't want it to end. He felt a connection in his friends.h.i.+p with Kira that he needed, but as with all of the connections in his life, he had to let it go. He pulled away from her.

”It's getting closer,” he said. ”The sorrow. If I remain with Kasidy, then someday soon it will be her death that tears at my heart. Or the death of Rebecca. Of Jake and Korena.”

”What are you saying?” Kira asked. ”Are you leaving Kasidy?”

”If I spend my life with Kasidy, I will know nothing but sorrow,” Sisko said. ”I must walk the path alone.” He waited for Kira to protest, to tell him that he could not possibly leave his wife and daughter. Instead, she slowly stood up and turned to face him.

”I know that you'll do what you feel you must,” she said.

”I have no choice,” Sisko said. ”Not when it comes to the safety of my family.”

”There are always choices,” Kira said, once more sounding like Opaka. ”Have you told all of this to Kasidy? Explained it all to her?”

”I can't explain it to her,” Sisko said. ”Kasidy doesn't believe, at least not the way I do. If I told her my reasons, she wouldn't let me leave. And if I did, she would follow me.”

”So you're just going to leave her with no explanation?” Kira asked. Sisko heard not only surprise in her tone, but disapproval.

”I've already left,” Sisko said. ”Things haven't been comfortable for a while.”

”Because you made them uncomfortable?”

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