Part 15 (1/2)

I tried not to give a s.h.i.+t. What did these people mean in the grand scheme of my life? Not when the girl I would walk over burning, hot coals for was holding my hand. It really was all about the simple stuff. The bigger things, like my crazy, f.u.c.ked up head s.h.i.+t could be put on hold for a little while longer.

We stopped at her locker while she twisted the dial. I could see the tremors in her hand and I knew this was taking a lot out of her. And I realized that I didn't know what she had to endure while I was in Florida. How much bulls.h.i.+t she had to swallow on a daily basis. But by the tension in her shoulders and the clench of her jaw, I could tell it had been a lot. And I felt even more like an a.s.s for abandoning her the way that I had.

Here I was, the King of Abandonment issues, dis.h.i.+ng it out with the worst of them. I had to make this better if it was the last thing I did.

”Do you have any plans for Friday night?” I asked her, shoving my hands into the pocket of my coat. The old green army jacket that I had worn like a second skin had long been lost. Left in that hotel room in North Carolina with the rest of the stuff I would never see again. Getting my s.h.i.+t out of the place where I had nearly destroyed everything hadn't been high on my list of priorities. But d.a.m.ned if I didn't miss the stupid thing. It was just a coat but for some reason it was like leaving a piece of me behind.

It really was ridiculous at how sentimental I became about the most inconsequential objects.

Maggie gave me a shy smile. This new, more reserved Maggie Young was hard to get used to at times. The Maggie I had met all those months ago was in your face. She didn't hesitate to tell you what she was thinking, even if it hurt. She wasn't ever cruel; she just lacked any patience for games. And that's one of the million things I loved about her.

This Maggie was different. She seemed unsure and hesitant. She appeared to think before she spoke as though worried about the way her words would be received.

This Maggie made it her mission to disappear. And I hated that. Because I knew deep down that it was because of me. I had changed Maggie May Young in ways I had yet to understand.

I didn't love her any less for it. In fact I loved her more than I thought my heart was capable of. But it didn't stop the all too familiar sting of regret deep in my gut.

I reached out and tucked a fly away strand of dark brown hair behind her ear. Her shorter hair took some getting used to. Just another example of how much my girl had changed in the three short months we had been a part.

But they might as well have been three years and I had a lot to make up for.

”No plans,” she said quietly, stuffing her bag into the locker and grabbing her books for cla.s.s.

I cupped the side of her neck and tugged her closer. I kissed the tip of her nose, making her blush. It was beautiful the way her skin flushed when I touched her. ”I'd like to take you out,” I said, grinning at her.

”Like a date?” Maggie asked incredulously. I felt that jab of regret again, her surprise hitting me like a slap in the face. Regret was quickly replaced by guilt. I suddenly realized that we had never exactly gone out on a date. Before, we had spent most of our time at my house or Ruby's shop. Sure, we went to Bubbles for sundaes and we'd rent movies. But I had not once taken her on a proper date.

Dinner, movie, walking her to the door and stealing a kiss goodnight.

f.u.c.k! I really was an a.s.shole. No, not just an a.s.shole, but a selfish a.s.shole.

My smile was a bit more pained after that but I held it all the same. ”Yeah, like a date. I want to take you out to dinner. Then you can drag me to whatever lame a.s.s chick flick is playing.” Maggie's smile grew wider and if I could punch myself in the nuts I would. Yep, I was a selfish a.s.shole.

”That sounds good. Um. Though, I haven't...well...” Maggie stumbled and my eyebrows knit together.

”Spit it out,” I teased, tugging on her ponytail. Maggie bit her bottom lip and I wanted to pull it free with my teeth. I felt a stirring in my jeans and had to tamp down the urge to maul her in the hallway.

”Well, my parents don't know about you and me. I haven't told them.” Well, that was like a bucket of cold water on my burgeoning hard on.

”Oh. Okay. If you want to meet me somewhere, that's cool.” No it wasn't cool. It was the farthest thing from cool I could think of. This brought me perilously close to the way I felt before. When one of my greatest fears was never being the guy Mr. and Mrs. Young felt their only child deserved.

And I had proven their worries were completely founded.

I didn't blame Maggie for not telling them. I wasn't convinced I could ever be what they wanted for their daughter. But I was trying my f.u.c.king hardest.

But hearing her hesitance to share our relations.h.i.+p with her mom and dad made me feel like s.h.i.+t. As though I was again the shameful secret. A role, I thought was singularly reserved for me as the son of Mr. and Mrs. Reed.

I never thought I'd have to feel this way as the boyfriend of Maggie Young.

Pain. Hurt. Betrayal. They were all there, jumping up and down, waiting for me to acknowledge them.

I wasn't worth it.

I'll never be enough for anyone.

There's only one thing that will help it all go away.

NO! I stared into Maggie's eyes and tried to focus on my breathing. I could see the dark brown cloud with concern and I tried like h.e.l.l not to show her how much her statement had wounded me.

Maggie grabbed my hand and squeezed. I winced at the strength of her grip. ”I just haven't had a chance to really tell anyone. This is so new and I didn't want to jinx it. I will tell them. I'll tell everyone!” she said emphatically and I didn't know if she was trying to convince me or herself.

”So, pick me up at seven,” she said, giving my hand a shake, pulling me out of the decidedly dark turn my thoughts had taken. My smile this time was a fake replica of the genuine one I had worn only minutes before.

”Sure,” I said, but I didn't really mean it. My mind was trying to work its way through the nasty urges that whispered dangerously. Shame, guilt, anger. All waiting for me to do what I had to do in order for them to leave me alone.

I clenched my hands into tight fists.

”Clay,” Maggie said softly, clearly recognizing the look that had settled onto my face.

”Maggie! There you are! I waited for you at Java Madness this morning! I thought we were meeting there for coffee before school.” An indescribable emotion crossed Maggie's face before she turned to Rachel, who had yet to notice me standing there.

”Girl, that was not cool. I had to drink my latte alone. And you know I don't do alone,” Rachel chided teasingly. Then she realized I was standing there and I didn't miss the shocked expression that she tried to hide. Maggie's friend acknowledged our close proximity with her eyes but didn't comment on it.

”Hey, Clay,” Rachel said in greeting, though it was far from the jovial tone she had used with Maggie. Her eyes darted between us. Maggie moved in closer to my side. It was a small movement, but it spoke volumes. And f.u.c.k if it didn't make all of the earlier bad stuff that was still floating around in my head, recede just a bit.

”Sorry, Rach. Clay picked me up. It was a last minute thing and I forgot to text you the change in plans.” Maggie's voice was sharp, as though daring her friend to question her.

Rachel must have picked up on Maggie's mood, because she stayed resolutely quiet, only lifting her shoulder in an offhanded shrug. ”I guess I'll see you later then.” Rachel held her hand up in a wave and went on down the hallway.

”Well, that was...awkward,” I mused sarcastically. Maggie slammed her locker shut and turned to face me.

”Yeah, it was.” She gave me a weak smile and I reached down and grabbed her hand. I refused to let anything, not Maggie's friends, not the gossip obsessed jacka.s.ses at school and certainly not my insane paranoia and self-doubt p.i.s.s on my cornflakes.

”I've got track practice after school. But do you want to do something after?” Maggie asked as we came to a stop in front of her cla.s.sroom. I noticed the way everyone stared as they moved past us. s.h.i.+t, did they really have nothing better to do than worry about what we were talking about? I didn't do fishbowl living. I was already feeling the strain of being the focus of way too much attention.

”Uh, I can't. I have an appointment right after school, then I have to work,” I said distractedly, trying not to get annoyed as I saw a group of girls stop and whisper behind their hands as they watched us.

”An appointment?” Maggie asked. I nodded, still too fixated on the gossiping going on around us. I felt cool fingers on my chin, pulling my face around so that I was looking down into Maggie's beautiful brown eyes. Eyes that made me forget my own name.

”Don't look at them. Look at me Clay,” she commanded and I was powerless to resist her. A smile danced on her lips as I ran my hand through my hair. ”What appointment do you have?” she asked.

”Therapy,” I said shortly, dropping my voice so that only she could hear me. No sense in announcing it to half the student body.

Maggie's face lit up, which took me aback. ”Really? I'm so glad to hear that.” My shoulders relaxed at her easy acceptance. I finally returned her smile.

”I go twice a week on Tuesdays and Thursdays,” I admitted as Maggie squeezed my hand.