Part 33 (1/2)
letter burned in fire before his eyes, and at last so mad was the struggle in his soul that he hugged these things to him that he might escape the greater horror: the dreadful red headlines in the sensational paper they had sent him from the City office which screamed at him, ”John Barclay slays his wife--Aids a water franchise grab that feeds the people typhoid germs and his own wife dies of the fever.” He had not replied to the letter from the law department of the Provisions Company which asked if he wished to sue for libel, and begged him to do so. He had burned the paper, but the headlines were seared into his brain.
Over and over he climbed the fiery ladder of his sins: the death of General Hendricks, the sacrifice of Molly Culpepper, the temptation and fall of her father, the death of his boyhood's friend, and then the headlines. These things were laid at his door, and over and over again, like Sisyphus rolling the stones uphill, he swept them away from his threshold, only to find that they rolled right back again.
And with them came at times the suspicion that his daughter's unhappiness was upon him also. And besides these things, a hundred business transactions wherein he had cheated and lied for money rose to disturb him. And through it all, through his anguish and shame, the faith of his life kept battling for its dominion.
Once he sent for Bemis and tried to talk himself into peace with his friend. He did not speak of the things that were corroding his heart, but he sat by and heard himself chatter his diabolic creed as a drunkard watches his own folly.
”Lige,” he said, ”I'm sick of that infernal charities bureau we've got. I'm going to abolish it. These philanthropic millionaires make me sick at the stomach, Lige. What do they care for the people? They know what I know, that the d.a.m.n people are here to be skinned.” He laughed viciously and went on: ”Sometimes I think we filthy rich are divided into two cla.s.ses: those of us who keep mistresses, and those of us who have harmless little entanglements with preachers and college presidents. Neither the lemon-haired women nor the college presidents interfere with our business; they don't hamper us--not the slightest.
They just take our money, and for a few idle hours amuse us, and make us feel that we are good fellows. As for me, I'll have neither women nor college presidents purring around my ankles. I'm going to cut out the philanthropy appropriation to-day.”
And he was as good as his word. But that did not help. The truth kept wrenching his soul, and his feet blindly kept trying to find a path to peace.
It was late one night in August, and a dead moon was hanging in the south, when, treading the terrace before his house, he saw a shadow moving down the stairway in the hall. At first his racked nerves quivered, but when he found that it was his mother, he went to meet her, exclaiming as he mounted the steps to the veranda, ”Why, mother, what is it--is anything wrong?”
Though it was past midnight, Mary Barclay was dressed for the day. She stood in the doorway with the dimmed light behind her, a tall, strong woman, straight and gaunt as a Nemesis. ”No, John--nothing is wrong--in the house.” She walked into the veranda and began as she approached a chair, ”Sit down, John; I wish to talk with you.”
”Well, mother--what is it?” asked the son, as he sat facing her.
She paused a moment looking earnestly at his face and replied, ”The time has come when we must talk this thing out, John, soul to soul.”
He shrank from what was coming. His instinct told him to fight away the crisis. He began to palaver, but his mother cut him short, as she exclaimed:--
”Why don't you let Him in, John?”
”Let who in?” asked her son.
”You know Whom, John Barclay; that was your grandfather speaking then, the old polly foxer. You know, my boy. Don't you remember me bending over the town wash-tub when you were a child, Johnnie? Don't you remember the old song I used to sing--of course you do, child--as I rubbed the clothes on the board: 'Let Him in, He is your friend, let Him in, He is your friend; He will keep you to the end--let--Him--in!' Of course you remember it, boy, and you have been fighting Him with all your might for six months now, and since Jane went, the fight is driving you crazy--can't you see, John?”
The son did not reply for a moment, then he said, ”Oh, well, mother, that was all right in that day, but--”
”John Barclay,” cried the mother sternly, as she leaned toward him, ”the faith that bore your father a martyr to the grave, sustained me in this wilderness, and kept me happy as I scrubbed for your bread, shall not be scoffed in my presence. We are going to have this thing out to-night. I, who bore you, and nursed you, and fed you, and staked my soul on your soul, have some rights to-night. Here you are, fifty-four years old, and what have you done? You've killed your friend and your friend's father before him--I know that, John. You've wrecked the life of the sister of your first sweetheart, and put fear and disgrace in her father's face forever--forever, John Barclay, as long as he lives. I know that too; I haven't been wrapped in pink cotton all these years, boy--I've lived my own life since you left my wing, and made my own way too, as far as that goes. And now you are trying to quench the fires of remorse in your soul because your wife died a victim of your selfish, ruthless, practical scheme of things.
More than that, my son--more than that, your child is suffering all the agony that a woman can suffer because of your devilish system of traffic in blood for money. You know what I mean, John. That boy told the truth, as you admit, and he could either run or lie, and for being a man you have broken up a G.o.d-sent love merely to satisfy your own vanity. Oh, John--John,” she cried pa.s.sionately, ”my poor, blind, foolish boy--haven't you found the ashes in the core of your faith yet--aren't you ready to quit?”
He began, ”Don't you think, mother, I have suffered--”
”Suffered, boy? Suffered? Of course you have suffered, John,” she answered, taking his hands in hers. ”I have seen the furnace fires smoking your face, and I know you have suffered, Johnnie; that's why I am coming to you--to ask you to quit suffering. Look at it, my boy--what are you suffering for? Is it material power you want? Well, you have never had it. The people are going right along running their own affairs in spite of you. All your nicely built card houses are knocked over. In the states and in the federal government, in spite of your years of planning and piecing out your little practical system, at the very first puff of G.o.d's breath it goes to pieces. The men whom you bought and paid for don't stay bought--do they, my boy? Oh, your old mother knows, John. Men who will sell are never worth buying; and the house that relies on them, falls. You have built a sand dam, son--like the dams you used to build in the spring stream when you were a child. It melts under pressure like straw. You have no worldly power. In this practical world you are a failure, and good old Phil Ward, who went out into the field and scattered seeds of discontent at your system--he is seeing his harvest ripen in his old age, John,”
she cried. ”Can't you see your failure? Look at it from a practical standpoint: what thing in the last thirty years have you advocated, and Philemon Ward opposed, that to-day he has not realized and you lost? His prescription for the evils may have been wrong many times, but his diagnosis of them was always right, and they are being cured, in spite of all your protest that they did not exist. Which of you has won his practical fight in this practical world--his G.o.d or your G.o.d; the ideal world or the material world, boy? Can't you see it?” The old woman leaned forward and looked in her son's dull, unresponsive face.
”Can't you see how you have failed?” she pleaded.
They rose together and began to pace the long floor of the veranda.
”Oh, mother,” he cried, as he put his arm about her, ”I am so lonely--so tired, so sick in the heart of me.”
They didn't speak for a time, but walked together in silence. At length the mother began again. ”John,” she said, as they turned at the end of the porch, ”I suppose you are saying that you have your money--that it is material--solid, substantial, and undeniable. But is it? Isn't it all a myth? Leave it where it is--in the shape of securities and stocks and credits--what will it do? Will it bring Jane back? Will it give Jeanette her heart's desire, and make her happy all her life? You know, dear, that it will only make me miserable. Has it made you happy, John? Turn it into gold and pile it up in the front yard--and what will it buy that poor Phil Ward has not had all of his life--good food, good clothing--good enough, at least--a happy family, useful children, and a good name? A good name, John, is rather to be chosen than great riches--than all your money, my son--rather to be chosen than all your money. Can you buy that with your millions piled on millions?”
They were walking slowly as she spoke, and they turned into the terrace. There they stood looking at the livid moon sinking behind the great house.
”Is there more joy in this house than in any other house in town, John--answer me squarely, son--answer me,” she cried. He shook his head sadly and sighed. ”A mother, whose heart bleeds every hour as she sees her son torturing himself with footless remorse; that is one. A heart-broken, motherless girl, whose lover has been torn away from her by her father's vanity and her own pride, and whose mother has been taken as a p.a.w.n in the game her father played with no motive, no benefit, nothing but to win his point in a miserable little game of politics; that is number two. And a man who should be young for twenty years yet, who should have been useful for thirty years--and now what is he? powerless, useless, wretched, lonely, who spends his time walking about fighting against G.o.d, that he may prove his own wisdom and nothing more.”
”Mother,” cried Barclay, petulantly, ”I can't stand this--that you should turn on me--now.” He broke away from her, and stood alone.
”When I need you most, you reproach me. When I need sympathy, you scorn all that I have done. You can't prove your G.o.d. Why should I accept Him?”