Part 4 (1/2)

God was speaking to ave His life for me; but I did not hear Hiht in any thorns, or hanging over a precipice; therefore, I did not apply the subject to hts dwelt very iveness and salvation, but I preached that these were to be had in and by the Church, which was as the Ark in which Noah was saved Baptism was the door of this Ark, and Holy Co in it; and all ere not inside were lost What would becoreatly perplexed me I could not dare to say they would be lost forever; but where could they be now? and ould becoed to save John Bunyan; but he was such a determined schismatic that it was impossible to ht that he had been duly baptized in infancy, and that his after-life was one of ignorance; but this opened the door too wide, and ue and uncertain thing So deeply was the thought ingrained in my mind that one day I baptized myself conditionally in the Church, for fear that I had not been properly baptized in infancy, and consequently should be lost hereafter I had no idea that I was lost now; far froht I was as safe as the Church herself, and that the gates of hell could not prevail against me

I had many conversations with the earnest people in , not where I was, but on so I did not know One very happy woe to larn the Latin; but though I don't know a letter in the Book, yet I can read my title clear to mansions in the skies” Another woman, whenever I went to see her, made me read the story of her conversion, which ritten out in a copy-book Several other, men and women, talked to me continually about their ”conversion” I often wondered what that was; but, as I did not seethese converted ones, and observed that they did not attend God's House nor ever coht conversion could not be ofto be desired

I little knew that I was the cause of their rehtful o to church! A o there; only unconverted people and backsliders go to such a place!” Yet this was a prayerful s I used to repeat these things, but still obtained no information or satisfaction

I made it a rule to visit every house infrohten the people by leaving Church tracts, and even wrote soious Tract Society's publications were reat disappointelical sermons drew the people, while sacramental topics did not interest theood, I procured several volu in soative to their statean to see and feel that there was so, and used the pulpit intentionally, in order to co my sermons But I must confess that I was very nervous in my delivery, and frequently lost reat confusion of the congregation

I will tell how it pleased the Lord to deliver e of nervousness, and enable

One day, a friend ho down to breakfast; so, while I aiting, I e the ”Life of Bishop shi+rley,” of Sodor and Man My eyes happened to fall on a passage, describing a difficulty into which he fell by losing his sermon on his way to a country church When the prayers were over, and the psal, he put his hand into his pocket for his one There was no tiave out a text, and preached, as he said, in dependence upon God, and never wrote a sermon afterwards

Whenall theI told him ”Ah!” he said, quietly ”Why do you not preach in dependence upon God and go without a book like that good man?I preach like that!” I said in aht

”Yes” he answered, mischievously, ”You Who needs to depend upon God for this estion, he went on teasing me all breakfast time, and at last said, ”Well, what is your decision? Do you mean to preach in future in dependence upon God?” I said, ”Yes; I have in next Sunday” Noas his turn to be terrified, and he did all he could to dissuade , ”You will make a fool of yourself!” ”No fear of that,” I replied; ”I do it already; I cannot be worse No; I will begin next Sunday!”

I came back with the deterrew more and more uneasy as the time approached However, on Sunday, I went up into the pulpit, and spoke as well as I could, without any notes, and found it far easier than I had feared In the evening it was still easier; and so I continued, week by week, gaining more confidence, and have never written a sermon since that day--that is, to preach it Once I was te to say, when so said to me, ”Is that the way you depend upon God?” I on it, gave outforward in dependence upon God has been a deliverance to h many years

One day I went, in arded as a dreadful schisious Tract Society On entering, he appeared greatly pleased to see iving me a double portion for ; and when, on leaving, he followed avea priest! This, indeed, was an ano out of the shop, and the elical parcel inat me However, the tracts were very acceptable at hoan to think there was soood in them So I cent for more

Three men, one after another, toldtheht to be written in letters of gold;” and a fewin the Lord, and leaving a bright testimony behind I mentioned the conversion of these three men to ot none Still, the thought continually haunted me---What can this ”conversion” be?

I hadI could not understand; therefore I prayed about this Just then (I believe, in answer to prayer) a friend offered to lend me Southey's ”Life of Wesley,” and said, ”You will find it all about conversion;” and a few days after cae's Great Error Detected”

This tract was carefully marked in pencil, and had several questions written in the iven it, and as anxious to know its

I read it with much interest, for I saw that the first portion of the history of Berridge corresponded with , I wondered what he couldwhich God did for him and for the souls of his people? What could hehis eyes opened to see hi the way of salvation”? He said that he had preached for six years, and never brought a single soul to Christ; and for two years more in another place, and had no success; but nohen he preached Christ instead of the Church, people calorious Gospel; and believers were added to the Church continually I grappled with this subject; but I could not, by searching, find out anything, for I was in the dark, and knew not as yet that I was blind, and needed the power of the Holy Spirit to awaken and bring me to see myself a lost sinner My soul was now all a stir on this subject; but, as far as I can remember, I wanted the inforet hold of the secret by which the Wesleyans and others caught and kept their people, or rather ood Church hi, fell seriously ill I sent him at once to the doctor, who pronounced hiave no hope of his recovery No sooner did he realize his position, and see eternity before hiiven him failed to console or satisfy, and his heart sank within him at the near prospect of death In his distress of mind, he did not send for me to come and pray with him, but actually sent for a converted es Thishim up as I had done, went to work in the opposite direction-to break him down; that was, to show my servant that he was a lost sinner, and needed to come to Jesus just as he was, for pardon and salvation He was brought under deep conviction of sin, and eventually found peace through the precious blood of Jesus

Immediately it spread all over the parish that ”the parson's servant was converted” The news soon reached ht the most bitter disappointnorance I was in!

The poor man sent for o near hiht hireat an error

However, he sent again and again, till at last his entreaties prevailed, and I went Instead of lying on his bed, a dyingabout the room in a most joyful and ecstatic state ”Oh, dear lad you are colory be to God!” ”Come, John,” I said, ”sit down and be quiet, and I will have a talk with you, and tell you what I think” But John knew h, so he burst out, ”Oh master! I am sure you do not know about this, or you would have told me I am quite sure you love me, and I love you--that I do! but, dearfor the Lord to show it to you I mean to pray till I die, and after that if I can, till you are converted” He looked at ly, and seemed so truly happy, that it was more than I could stand Almost involuntarily, I made for the door, and escaped before he could stop ether disappointed and disgusted withthese Cornish people ”It is no use; they never will be Churchmen!” I was as hopeless and miserable as I could be

I felt thatand practice had failed, and that the inferior and, as I believed, unscriptural dog Churchman had fallen, and was happy in his fall; ht fall too!

I felt very jealous for the Church, and therefore felt deeply the conversion of al Son, I was grieved, and even angry, because he was restored to favour and joy

The re to ive ht I would give up enial soil; or else that I would preach a set of sermons on the subject of schisht reat sin!

Every parishi+oner I passed see! You will never convince us!”

CHAPTER 7