Chapter 14 (1/2)

There were no onco cars or cars behind him, so he did not end up in an accident Douno’s arms still trembled violently from the shock He remained in theother cars to honk at him repeatedly

Douno thought he would die fro out, and that woke hih the intersection and drove slowly He eventually arrived in front of the bridge where Honoka was thought to have been pushed off Douno and his wife had coe just once after the incident They had left quickly after putting down Honoka’s favourite flowers and sweets They had not wanted to linger for long

Douno got out of his car Without even bothering to get an ue In the middle were azed at the rain The sideas lit up for an instant by a car’s passing headlights, and his eye caught vivid yelloers They were arranged in a neat ring When Douno picked it up, he could see the short stems bound neatly with thread

Douno returned to his car and drove without a second thought, le detached house in the outskirts of the residential area He parked his car in the empty lot beside it

There were no street lamps around the dilapidated house, which looked like it would collapse any ates, the entrance and yard were also darkened

Douno banged on the sliding door with both hands

“Kitagawa, Kitagawa,” he called over and over Eventually the yard lit up a little as the lights were turned on inside Shortly, a light went on in the entrance as well, and the sliding door rattled as it was opened

Maybe Kitagawa had been sleeping The man squinted his eyes as he looked silently down at Douno

“You were kept in detention all this tiht you were the killer?”

“Doesn’t awa answered in his usual flat manner

“I’ized “Itfor you”

Kitagawa smiled faintly

“It’s not your fault that I got arrested They kept pressuring me to say I killed her, and they questioneddeal But they suddenly letI wonder why?”

It’s because the real killer was caught It’s because the police didn’t have to twist a convenient person’s story to make him into the murderer anymore

Douno wondered if the police had given Kitagawa a proper apology forhim for several days

“Why are you wet?”

Douno had coawa pointed it out

“Oh, I was just―walking outside, and I forgot my umbrella”

“And have you come to blame me?”

Douno was surprised Kitagawa had been the one forced through an unpleasant experience; he had beena lot of ti, Douno was the one causing all of his troubles in the first place

When the detective had told hiaas a possible suspect, Douno had outwardly denied it, while at the sa a small suspicion in his heart He had not been able to coawa If he really had, he would have awa in person at the detention centre I’m a coward I abandoned a man with no friends to defend hiht be the killer I kneas totally alone, and yet I still―

“I saw a crown of yelloers on the bridge,” Douno explained “I thought it was probably you, and I came to say thanks”

“I would’ve awa o over in the afternoon, but I drank too one to your place as I promised, Honoka wouldn’t have died”

Kitagawa’s eyes were distant, as if his gaze were fixed on soht

“If I’d kept my promise, she wouldn’t have died”

“It’s not your fault,” Douno insisted “There was a lot going on It was an unlucky incident”

“To hell with luck,” Kitagawa spat “The fact is, if I’d gone, Honoka wouldn’t have died” He repeated stubbornly “She wouldn’t have died I didn’t want her to die”

Tears spilled froawa’s eyes

“Tellpunished? Is that why souy But I went to jail I was there for ten years Wasn’t that enough to atone for my crime? Or―”

Kitagawa looked at Douno

“Did the guy I kill have people who loved him―people who hate me now? Is that why the people I care about have to be killed in the same way?”

“No, this is―”

“Because it doesn’t awa interrupted”I didn’t feel anything towards killing that guy But because I killed hiht now Did I bring this on myself? Tell ”

“I’ain, but it’s not your fault,” Douno said steadily “If anything, it was a problem between my wife and me You’re not to blame None of this is your fault”

“If it’s notout across the rainy yard Douno felt wracked with pain to look at the man in front of him

“―Fate just made it happen that way There’s no reason for you to blame yourself you don’t need to feel that it’s your fault Even if you didn’t coone to work on my day off, maybe it wouldn’t have happened”

Kitagawa pressed a hand to his forehead

“I shouldn’t have thought your kid was cute She said she liked me, that’s why that’s why it hurts so much―”

Douno touched his cheek, wanting to coawa slowly raised his head

“Are you gonna die someday?”

Douno felt a chill pass over his heart

“I am”

“When you die, what’s gonna happen to me?”

He could not answer Kitagawa clenched Douno’s right hand tightly At the same time, Douno felt a presence This kind of presence was easy to detect from someone He tried to shake the man’s arm free and run, but was chased down It was dark He lost his way and dove into the yard The overgrown grass ens”nared his feet As he stuht Douno lost his balance and fell into the grass He struggled against the largedown on him

“Kitagawa, Kitagawa―!”

Douno’s cold lips were overlapped by another pair of cold lips His belt was unbuckled, and his pants were yanked down He felt so cold on his lower parts, then in the next ainst it

“Ah!” Douno cried out in pain

He was deeply and forcefully penetrated Having prevented Douno froawa tore off Douno’s tie and yanked his shi+rt up The rain felt cold as it hit his bare skin But Kitagawa’s hands were colder than that Kitagawa supported Douno with his ar ion pried open to accept hiony

Even while being taken by force, Douno did not reject the ue with the other man’s, and wept in pain as he embraced him

There was an instant where their intercourse of pain turned into one of pleasure It hurt, but it hurt and felt good A about ould befall him

When the otherfluttered onto the man’s shoulder A yelloer petal―Douno watched it absently, then scooped it up with the tip of his tongue before sing it quietly

After their animalistic act in the yard, Douno was carried by the man and taken into the house While they waited for the bathwater to wararapped a naked Douno in a blanket and held him in his arms

Once the water was hot enough, Douno was put into the bath At first the water stung his lower parts, but he soon got used to it They ain in the bath Unlike the first ti anymore

Once they were out of the bath, Douno was towelled off thoroughly and taken to the futon, still unclothed Kitagaas also not wearing clothes Kitagawa slipped into the futon with Douno, and began sucking at the buds on his chest, awa did not stop there; he licked Douno’s entire body like a dog Frohly licked every part of him

Douno was flipped over onto his sto part before penetrating hih he cried, Kitagaould not pull out of him

“I love you,” the ainst the pillow

I love you, I love you, I love you so e―he felt like the words lessened the pain somehow

Kitagawa finally fell asleep around dawn Douno’s lower parts were in such pain froo to the washrooawa’s house and asked to have the day off His guilt vanished as soon as he hung up the phone

It felt chilly walking around naked, so Douno returned to the futon Kitagawa looked like a child as he slept with his htly Douno needed no reason to kiss him He did it because he wanted to

Douno wondered what love was Everyone used the word like the ―but as it? He definitely had loved his wife But if someone were to ask if he still did, he could not answer Why? Because he had been betrayed Because she had slept with another man Because she had continued to betray hiht of his love for her Did this mean he had never really loved her in the first place?

Was real love the kind you saw in movies and novels, when you loved one person forever? Had Douno’s own love been fake?

What did he feel towards thebeside him now? What would he call this desire to kiss hi that seized his heart every ti swept up in the man’s persistent devotion, thrust upon hirown apathetic with despair at his wife’s betrayal?

He had turned to theelse―did that make him a coward? Unpleasant event after unpleasant event had swooped down on him; responsibilities had been thrust upon hi himself think he loved this man

If he really loved Kitagawa, he would have been able to love hiawa confessed, he would have been able to ansith the saawa had continued to tell him he loved him ever since

He had thought Mariko was cowardly for betraying hi all of her responsibility onto hi was essentially the same People didn’t need to knohat love was to have sex The only difference in his case was that no one would get pregnant Whether they had done it once or numerous times, the fact remained the same

The ht about it, the ht of the life that had ended and a life that was about to begin, and about hihts made him sick of himself, and he curled up into a tiny ball

When Douno woke up past noon, Kitagaas not there Perhaps he had gone to work Douno looked at his surroundings In the roo in, a narrow three-level bookcase, and nothing else Inside the bookcase, books and sketchbooks were sorted and arranged neatly Almost none of the books looked new, and most looked worn and tattered There was only one new book arada Família, and inside, Gaudí’s architectural pieces were featured with photos

There were also many sketchbooks, close to ten Douno extracted one froawa drew He flipped the page and was startled to see his own face The date under the draas froawa had drawn the face from hisFeeling aard at seeing his own portrait, Douno continued flipping through the pages, but every draas of him The next sketchbook was the sae le line was scribbled across the sheet Starting to forget his face

It was iawa had probably drawn his face entirely froun to fade From March of this year onwards, there were no more portraits of Douno’s face in the half-used sketchbook

Douno returned the sketchbooks to the shelf Spotting no towels in the roo partition to the next rooht dazzled him, and he closed his eyes A TV was placed on the floor, and a sawa porch facing the garden, and Douno could see the shadow of a broad back seated there

The shadow turned around at the sound of the partition sliding open Kitagaearing jeans, but nothing on top

“My clothes are gone,” Douno said

“They’re drying right now”

Douno looked over to see his wet clothes drying on a line strung between two trees in the yard

“Do you have a towel or anything?” he asked “Even so I could wrap around my waist while my clothes dry―”

“The walls are pretty high No one’s gonna see from outside”

Kitagaas right, there were the walls, but Douno felt unsettled walking around naked However, as the e of clothes out for hiaithout wearing anything

On the wooden floorboards of the porch were scatteredeach of theether with thread

“A crown of flowers?”

“This is today’s Floilt quickly I figured she wouldn’t like wilted ones”

Kitagawa’s fingers moved nimbly

“I heard so of someone is one way you couldof her this whole time while I make these”

Douno eawa from behind His chest swelled with es he had mulled over endlessly―whether it was love or not, whether it was real or fake―seemed not to matter anymore

Right now, Douno was overcome with love for the man in front of him Purely love, and only love That was the only reason he needed to hold the man close

“Don’t you need to go to work?” he asked

“I got fired,” Kitagawa muttered “I have to look for another job, or else I won’t be able to pay the rent” Kitagawa placed his hand over Douno’s hands around him

“Once I found a place where I could stay for a long time, I wanted to live in a house with a yard One with lots of grass and trees, where I could keep a dog This is et it to feel warm like your house”

Kitagawa gazed out beyond the garden

“It’s lonely in a house with no people” Kitagawa’s quiet voice spoke over the rustling breeze

Douno returned hoawa followed hi When Douno opened the door to his apartment, it was just as dark inside as it was outside He turned on the light and spotted Mariko’s shoes neatly placed in the doorway It looked like she was home after all

He entered the living room to see a shadow curled up on the sofa Mariko had apparently sensed hi up

“Are you feeling sick?” he asked her

Mariko shook her head

“Where were you last night?” she whispered

“I slept over at Kitagawa’s place”

A look of relief crossed Mariko’s face

“I thought you weren’t going to come home,” she said Her slender shoulders shook as she covered her face with her hands “I called your work, and they said you took the day off”

Douno put the plastic bag he had been carrying on the table

“Have you eaten anything?”

Mariko shook her head

“Let’s eat I just bought some stuff on the way”

They laid out the side dishes bought froether Mariko poured so and Mariko cleaned up, Douno began the conversation

“I want to talk to you about so”

They sat across fro room Mariko kept her eyes on her feet and refused to look up

“After that, I thought about a lot of things About your affair, about the baby inside you, and about Honoka”

Douno paused

“One option is for us to stay together and to raise the baby as our own I said I wouldn’t be able to love it, but h, I’d develop an attachht able to love the baby, I won’t be able to look at you in the sa partner”

Mariko’s cheeks stiffened

“You ht think it was just one affair Maybe soive that But that’s where our values differ”

“I” Mariko continued in a tremulous voice “I love you”

“Frankly, I don’t understand what’s going on in your heart Feelings aren’t things you canforI know for sure is that even if we continue to be together, I won’t want to protect you I can’t see you as someone precious to me anymore”

“Please divorce me,” Douno told her Mariko chewed her lip and clenched her fists

“What about the baby?”

“I’ll leave anything to do with the baby up to you”

“You’re being irresponsible!” Mariko lashed out

“But you’re positive it’s notto ask me for a decision”

“But―” Mariko began, but Douno interrupted her

“Once we divorce, you should remarry with that man if you can Then, you can live as a true fa here, so ood idea to live further away He loves you, and he’s willing to claiht?”

“Use your common sense!” Mariko yelled “He’s the husband of the woman who killed Honoka! I could never remarry someone like him!”

“But he says he wants you to have the baby, right?”

“But―”

Douno had thought long and hard over whether he should say this fact or not But in the end, he chose to put it into words

“You need to take responsibility for your actions”

Mariko chewed her lip

“I’et a divorce,” she murmured “I still love you”

“I don’t want to fight in court I want to separate on good terms”

Mariko broke down into tears Even while watching his eep, even while feeling pity for her, Douno told himself he could not comfort her

“I’ll hand over all of ht up the divorce anyway, and once you have the baby, you’ll probably need ”

Mariko cried and cried, then finally staggered out of the living rooone to the bedroom, but after a while he heard the sound of the shower

The running water did not stop Once Douno realized this, he dashed into thechange room The door to the bathroo he saas the bathroo knife lay on the floor nearby Mariko was sluave her a shake, she appeared conscious

Douno made a frantic call for the ambulance Fortunately, Mariko’s wound was shallow and she did not need stitches Mariko put up a fierce fight as she was brought into the hospital, screa at everyone to let her die She was injected with tranquilizers, and only then did she fall asleep

Mariko remained unconscious in a deep sleep for half a day When she finally opened her eyes, she looked at Douno, a tear rolling down her cheek

“The cut wasn’t deep The baby is okay, too,” he told her

Mariko pulled the sheets over her face as sobs escaped her lips

“Your parents are coet here”

Mariko tried to sit up from her bed

“You’re not going to stay with me?”

“I have to go to work I’ve taken a lot of time off already”

“I’ to kill myself if you don’t stay with me”

“Please don’t make this hard for me,” Douno said wearily

“I’m serious I will die”

Douno let out a strained sigh

“I’ve talked to your parents I’ve also told theet a divorce They have no problem with it”

Mariko’s expression changed instantly from frail to furious

“Youthehter was the one ent and had an affair first?” she accused

Douno did not even have to go so far as to say Mariko’s affair was the reason, for it had been implied as such on yesterday’s news already Mariko’s parents and Douno’s parents were sure to be aware of it

“Let’s start over on separate paths,” Douno said “I don’t think it rong for us to getthe e’ve drifted apart”

Mariko did not agree to the divorce Her parents arrived at six in the , and they switched places Douno returned to his apart to work and apologizing to his boss for suddenly taking time off work the previous day

Douno finished work past seven in the evening and headed straight to Kitagawa’s house When he knocked on the sliding door, Kitagawa ca out to answer it He was out of breath―such a s

“What were you doing?” Douno asked

“Reading a book,” Kitagawa answered, looking at his feet

“Have you eaten dinner?”

“Not yet”

“Let’s eat I bought some stuff”

They sat across froawa looked at hi the yard was open, and Douno could hear the chorus of the insects froic sound, Douno went out onto the porch after he finished eating Kitagawa sat down beside him

“I think I’ll be divorcingnonchalance “There’ll probably be so the way, but once it settles doould youmy property over to her, I’ll have no money”

There was no response Douno panicked He could not look the other man in the face anymore, and it was not out of sheepishness

“I’ized hastily “I understand if it’s too e of you, aren’t I, ht away like this”

“Don’t you have anything else to say?”