Part 15 (1/2)

”Earl!” I shouted.

”I told you to let me do the talking,” he told me calmly. ”A beating's better than getting shot. Okay, Sven, but let's make this sporting. Make it a fair fight. My man wins, you still do the job, and it's half up front, half on completion. Your gnome wins, you get it all up front, plus I'll throw in another ten grand as a bonus.”

The gnome leader thought about this, stroking his beard slowly. ”But it has to be a fair fair fight...” fight...”

”Fair?” I asked in confusion. Fairy-tale creatures or not, I was a three-hundred pound former, illegal pit fighter. I bench-pressed over four-hundred pounds and had once beaten a gargoyle to death with a tire iron. I was having a hard time seeing how me fighting somebody the size of a Cabbage Patch Kid could be construed as fair.

Sven held up both hands, fingers splayed open, displaying them to Harbinger. Gnomes had six fingers on each hand. ”Twelve.”

My boss shook his head. ”Eight.”

Did these guys have to haggle about everything? He turned down two fingers. ”Ten. Or somebody's takin' a bullet.”

”Fine, but no weapons. And you're not allowed to kill him. I need him on my crew. Once he's out, you leave him alone, or I step in.”

”Deal.” The gnome clapped his hands together. Suddenly it seemed like there was at least another thirty gnomes in the room. Money immediately began to change hands as they started taking bets.

”Seriously?” I asked in total bewilderment. G-Nome pulled his pistol out of my neck. He was grinning savagely as he pa.s.sed his.22 off to another little guy, and then started signaling specific other gnomes. Those tossed their pieces also. The s.h.i.+rtless Thug Life Thug Life one dropped the dumbbell with a clang, stood, and cracked his knuckles. Other gnomes began to efficiently remove the plastic furniture from the center of the room. I had a feeling they'd done this before. one dropped the dumbbell with a clang, stood, and cracked his knuckles. Other gnomes began to efficiently remove the plastic furniture from the center of the room. I had a feeling they'd done this before.

”Don't hold back. They're tougher than they look. Sam Haven got drunk one time and picked a fight with half this many gnomes and got his a.s.s handed to him. It was hilarious. Don't worry about murdering any of them. They're magical, so they don't die easily. And try not to lose, 'cause it's gonna cost the company another ten thousand dollars.” Earl clapped me on the shoulder as I stood. ”Though, personally, it's worth it for me to watch you fight ten gnomes at one time.”

”But, but...” Somehow this had all just spiraled totally out of control. ”I've already had a really c.r.a.ppy day!” There was a huge quant.i.ty of gnomes in the room now, as a veritable sea of red hats formed a large circle around us. Ten of the little b.u.g.g.e.rs were waiting for me. G-Nome was stalking back and forth, high-fiveing the others. ”I can't hit them! They're tiny.” The audience began to boo.

”Owen, there ain't no rules. Don't forget to protect, well...” Earl waved toward his crotch. ”You know, they're gonna hit you low.”

This was ridiculous. I couldn't hit them. They'd like explode explode or something. or something.

”Get It On!” Sven Bone-Hand shouted from his vantage point on top of the table.

”Welcome to my Thunderdome, b.i.t.c.h!” G-Nome bellowed.

”Oh, this just sucks,” I muttered as ten gangster gnomes charged me simultaneously.

I've been in a lot of fights, but I can honestly say that this was a new experience. It was like a wave of meat collided with my kneecaps and I was instantly swept to the ground in a sea of white beards. Tiny fists began to slam into me with the speed and intensity of a tropical rainstorm, only each one hit like a rock. I screamed something incoherent as I tried to protect my vital parts. They were remarkably strong for their size.

”I told you not to hold back!” Earl shouted from the sidelines as a child-sized leather boot smashed into my larynx. ”Get up and fight, d.a.m.n it! I've got money on this.”

I was on my back. There were three of them sitting on my chest and stomach, doing the ground and pound, punching like tiny little jackhammers, while the rest were in a circle kicking me. I reached up and grabbed the only thing I could, which turned out to be a handful of beard. Then I pulled as hard as I could. The gnome flew off my chest and disappeared.

”No fair!” The audience cried. Apparently beards were sensitive. Well, screw 'em. This hurt like h.e.l.l. I snagged a kicker on each side by their beards, and yanked them together over me. They only weighed about thirty pounds each, and collided with a great deal of force. I rolled over, tossing gnomes in every direction as the beating continued.

Roaring, I squished one underneath me, and the little b.a.s.t.a.r.d just kept hitting me in the kidneys. I sat up, a gnome on each shoulder. One of them tried to fishhook me while the other one bit my ear. ”Aaarrrgghh!”

I slugged that one in the face and he was airborne. I struggled to my feet, gnomes hanging off of everything, all of them punching, kicking, kneeing, elbowing, biting, and just being a general obnoxious pain. Standing now, I started tossing gnomes into the audience. They landed, got pats on the back from their brethren, and got right back into the fray.

It was G-Nome himself that maneuvered right in front of me and threw an uppercut into my t.e.s.t.i.c.l.es. A wave of unbelievable pain followed by nausea surged through me. I went back to my knees. ”Oh...it's on now...” I gasped through the continuous stream of impacts. All thoughts of fairness went right out the window as righteous fury bubbled up from my core. G-Nome's smiling face appeared in my view, beady eyes searching for another good strike. That smile disappeared as my ma.s.sive hand clamped around his throat. His eyes got very wide.

I picked G-Nome up as I stood, grabbed one kicking leg with my other hand, and slammed him up into the brick ceiling. He disappeared in a cloud of brick dust. The audience made a noise that sounded like ”ooohhh.” I brought him back down, let go of his neck, and swung him around by his leg. Half a dozen gnomes were knocked spinning out of the circle. At the apogee of the arc, I let go of G-Nome's ankle and he flew down with the hallway. The gnomes surged back toward me, and it was a swirl of violence. I remember gnomes hanging onto each of my feet as I dragged them across the brick floor, gnomes crumpling under my fists with every swing, and gnomes twirling through the air in every direction. But then somebody shattered a beer bottle on the back of my head, and it got kind of blurry.

”I said no weapons!” Earl bellowed. ”That's it!” I stumbled back and fell on my b.u.t.t, a literal pile of moaning gnomes scattered around me. The audience was booing and throwing trash at me, but luckily no more bottles.

Mad as h.e.l.l, I stumbled to my feet, disoriented and ready to go beat the entire audience to death. I could feel hot blood spilling down the back of my neck. More miscellaneous objects flew at me. ”Hey! Watch it, you little a.s.sholes!” I grabbed a pa.s.sing gnome by the neck and lifted him overhead.

”Enough!” Sven shouted and the missiles quit flying and only one, last, empty soda can bounced off my boot. My chest was heaving from exertion, my brain ached from the shattered bottle, every inch of my body pulsed with bruised tissue and firing nerves, and I felt an unbearable urge to vomit. But mostly, I was really angry. angry. I was ready to go another round. I c.o.c.ked my fist back. The gnome I was holding squealed in fear. I was ready to go another round. I c.o.c.ked my fist back. The gnome I was holding squealed in fear.

”Owen, drop the gnome,” Earl ordered.

I slowly lowered my fist and let go of the little man. He scrambled back into the audience. Sven shouted over the noise of the booing crowd. ”All right, Harbinger. You win. Deal's a deal.”

G-Nome reappeared, missing his hat, blood and dust staining his white beard. He walked back into the circle and spit on the floor. The audience got really quiet. He glared at me dangerously as he flexed his muscles and I got ready for him to charge. ”You done yet?” I gasped.

The dangerous little creature eyed me for a moment. ”You know what? You're all right for being so tall tall.” Finally he grinned, showing off his bloodstained teeth. ”Best d.a.m.n rumble I've had in years.” He turned to Harbinger. ”We still on?”

Harbinger held up the roll of bills. ”If you're gnome gnome enough?” enough?”

”h.e.l.l yeah,” G-Nome answered as he caught the money.

The gnomes all cheered.

Julie asked what had happened when she saw me come out of the gnome house, battered and bruised. Unfortunately, Earl and I hadn't thought to come up with a cover story, and lying to Julie, especially after sustaining a minor brain injury, seemed like a really bad idea. So I told her it was a secret and that I would explain later. I don't think she liked that one bit, but was enough of a professional to understand that Earl and I had our reasons. On the bright side, I didn't really want to tell her about how I had gotten beaten up by a gang of garden decorations.

Mosh had been on the phone again, trying to explain how the tour bus had exploded to somebody else. Apparently, rampaging monsters was a bit beyond his PR firm's regular duties. I crawled into the back of the van and Gretchen began sewing up the back of my head to match the repair she had made on the front earlier. Ahh...symmetry Ahh...symmetry. Earl signaled for us to roll out and our convoy started back to Cazador.

Julie and Mosh were in the same vehicle, and as I lay there, incoherent, a bone needle and thread being run through the fleshy part at the base of my skull, my fiancee tried to explain to my brother how he was currently a lot safer hanging out with us for a while. Obviously, safe safe was a relative word. After a few minutes their conversation was just background buzz. was a relative word. After a few minutes their conversation was just background buzz.

It probably wasn't a good idea to take a nap after receiving a serious blow to the head, but I was exhausted, sore, and was asleep by the time we got on the freeway.

Chapter 9.

Brilliant suns.h.i.+ne scalded my closed eyelids. I must have slept for hours.

Nope.

I was dreaming. My surroundings were a city park, but not one that I recognized. The trees were thick, brilliant green, and the gra.s.s was manicured to perfection. The air was clean and fresh. It was a huge city. Tall buildings rose above the leaves on all sides, but the skyline was unfamiliar. Children ran, laughing, playing, while a nearby street vendor peddled food that smelled really good. Everyone looked happy and the walkways were clean of grime and garbage.

Must be Canada.

I wandered down a stone path, not sure where I was going. In my dream state I noted that I was still dressed exactly the same as I had been when I was awake, complete with armor and weapons. None of the attractive locals seemed to notice. Everyone greeted me with a polite smile, guns and all, so that definitely ruled out Canada.

”h.e.l.lo,” the Englishman said. He was seated on a wooden bench at the edge of a pond, looking as rough as the first time I had met him, lean frame hunched forward in a bulky gray hoodie, head and cheeks bristling with brown-gray stubble. He was a relatively average-looking man, the kind of guy where you would never guess that he had a demonic leach monster living inside of him. His cold eyes had that same deadly focus as when he had tried to kidnap me, only now he was holding a loaf of bread and tearing off pieces to chuck into the pond. A rioting crowd of ducks cl.u.s.tered there, fighting for crumbs. ”Have a seat, mate. We need to talk.”

”Uh, no,” I responded as I automatically pulled my.45 from the holster. I raised it in one hand and cranked off four quick shots into the side of his head. The gun recoiled and noise blasted my eardrums but nothing struck him.

”Don't be like that. This is neutral ground,” he said, sounding unperturbed, still not looking at me, all his attention on the ducks. I stupidly lowered the STI as a bunch of kids ran past carrying balloons that had been twisted into various animal shapes. Not even the ducks had seemed to notice the sudden gunfire. He pulled off a big chunk of bread, crumpled it into a hard ball, and pitched it far out into the pond. The ducks swam after it, quacking angrily. ”You're safe here. You've parlayed before.”

I had spoken with Lord Machado in my dreams once, and that hadn't turned out particularly well. ”I'll stay over here, thanks.”