Part 26 (1/2)
”Are you all right, sir?”
”Oh, sure. I was just watching the telly.” (I noticed that Mr. Trammel had begun to speak with a faint British accent. Perhaps he had lived for a time in London.) I went on, ”Did you know that over the course of seven years, every cell in each of our bodies is replaced?”
”No, sir,” he said, ”I didn't know that.”
”I learned it earlier this evening. Every seven years-a whole new set of cells. Isn't that astonis.h.i.+ng?”
Nils smiled like he had a secret.
I had to ask, ”What is it?”
Nils: ”I like knowing odd facts and information, too. For instance, did you know that Brazil is the only country named after a tree?”
”I didn't know that,” I said.
”The little parallelogram above your top lip is called the philtrum. Five years-or half a decade-is a l.u.s.trum. George Was.h.i.+ngton's teeth were not made of wood; they were made from hippopotamus, deer, horse, and human teeth screwed into an ivory base. Oh, and an opossum does not play dead. He gets so scared he faints!”
”Well done, Nils,” I said, laughing. ”You're distracting me, and I am most grateful.”
”I can keep going!” And he did, speaking even faster, like an auctioneer. ”According to the World Health Organization, there are more than one hundred million acts of s.e.xual intercourse each day. The following men had or have one t.e.s.t.i.c.l.e: Fred Astaire; former president Jimmy Carter; the late, great race-car driver Dale Earnhardt. And my all-time favorite: Eighty-five percent of men who have heart attacks and die during s.e.x are doing what?”
”Hmm, interesting. Let me think.” Eighty-five percent of men who have heart attacks and die during s.e.x are doing what? ”I give up.”
”They're cheating on their wives.”
KATE.
IT TURNED OUT I WAS HUNGRY.
Jeff and I were sitting at a prime table at the California Grill, which sits atop Disney's Contemporary Resort. The boys were in my room back at the lodge, already asleep in my bed. (We went back after Jeff's triumphant speech to say good night, and Jeff told them a long story about a magical fart machine, which they loved.) While we ate, the boys were being watched by a Disney-approved babysitter named Heather. I'd been provided with a beeper that I had clipped to my purse. I could be contacted if needed.
I admit, it was nice to be out without the boys and away from the Disney characters a.s.saulting us every time we turned around. I was torn between wanting to gush about Jeff's speech, his work with Make-A-Wish, and wanting to hear about what had happened with the other Kate. But Jeff wanted to tell me a story.
”One time I was here and there was this guy-I guess you could say he was kind of a Disney freak. He had visited many times, and he knew that at Disney, things happened when they were scheduled to happen. Anyway, he brought his girlfriend here for dinner, and at eight fifty-nine P.M., he got down on one knee, raised a ring box, and proposed. His timing was perfect. The moment he finished asking, the first of that evening's fireworks burst in the sky behind him. When she said yes, the others in the restaurant broke into applause.”
”That's kind of queer.”
”You think so?”
”Yes, I do.”
”Oh,” he said gravely. ”Well. It was me.”
”It was you? No wonder she broke it off.”
Jeff was quick to correct me. ”But she didn't. I called it quits.”
A family approached our table. They were from Sioux Falls, South Dakota, and wanted their picture taken with Jeff. They promised that as long as no one's eyes were closed, they'd make it their Christmas card.
After they left, I asked Jeff to tell me about the other Kate.
He did at some length. She sounded like a catch. Smart, s.e.xy, kind to animals, a member of a progressive church, very s.e.xual, a happy childhood. She loved Korky, his dog. I kept waiting for the downside. But she was curious, a good athlete, active in social causes.
I couldn't take it anymore. ”So what was the problem?”
”She wasn't you.”
I'd fallen for it. He was sneaky. And I was tipsy, but not so far gone that I couldn't manage ”Yes, and it's a good thing she isn't me.”
”Why? Why is it a good thing?”
”Because I'm married.”
Could he tell in that moment I wished I weren't? I ordered another drink, and when it came, I quickly drank it.
Jeff got this serious look on his face. And oh, what a face. He struggled for the right words. I told him not to say anything. See, I was worried he was about to say something I knew we'd both regret.
Instead, he extended a small rectangular box wrapped in a red velvet ribbon. ”When I saw it, I knew you had to have it.”
It happened exactly this way. As I untied the ribbon, I heard the first whistle of fireworks being launched. As I lifted the box, there was a burst of purple light over the Magic Kingdom. Inside the box, resting on a rectangle of cotton, there it was-a Goofy wrist.w.a.tch.
”You may be wondering-why Goofy?”
”Yes, I actually am wondering-why Goofy?”
”His hands go backward.”
It was seminal. The Goofy wrist.w.a.tch. Reversing time. Me, the drunk one. Jeff, all sober. Me, married but still yearning. He, single and still yearning, too. And the fireworks going on behind him were spectacular.
Later, back in his room at the lodge, we had s.e.x.
TIM.
don't ask don't ask what time she got heredon't ask what she was wearing because she's not wearing anything now and don't don't don't ask what was said because nothing was said as we fell on the bed there will be no kissing okay so no mouth kissing but there was plenty of mouth her mouth on my neck on my stomach and elsewhere pitch-black dark her hands, my mouth her tongue so dizzying, this can't remembertalking no h.e.l.lo or how are you or would it be all right if I or would you mind terribly if my p.e.n.i.s no, it was whatever whenever however she on top me on top her on the bed on the floor don't ask what time, don't ask how long we'd been going at it no idea only sound is her breathing, me breathing we are s.e.x nothing is forbidden nothing is said nothing need be said and then oh G.o.d and then!
ring where was I ring (fumble around in the dark) ring ”h.e.l.lo?”
”Yes, I'd like to leave a message for Mr. Trammel in room-.”
”Uh-this is Trammel.”
”Oh, I thought this was the front desk.”
”Go ahead,” I said, barely audible in a disguised voice.
”I'm really sorry for waking you.”
Louder, in the same disguised voice: ”Not a problem.”
”I'm calling on behalf of Mrs. Ashworth. She's been delayed.”