Part 13 (1/2)

*So, this is where you'll sleep.' He sits on the bed-slats opposite. The dorm's pretty tight for s.p.a.ce so our knees are almost touching.

*How are you then? Reinstated to fly, I hear. I'm glad you're OK. You are OK, aren't you?'

Why's everyone asking if I'm OK when I'm absolutely falling apart?

*I'm fine. Normal. What about you? You look . . . well.' He looks gorgeous.

Reef runs a hand over his hair, embarra.s.sed at the compliment. This is the first time we've been properly alone together since the Mora.s.s. It's quite painful, and wonderful too.

*I'm feeling a lot better since Aura told me you'd survived your fall from the bridge. My hopes that Verdessica had drowned were premature.'

*He . . . pulled me out of the river. Saved me, really. I don't know why.'

*You don't?' Reef gives a wry smile then looks down at his boots for a moment. *I guess you have that effect on people. You really . . . you're really . . . Na a” I shouldn't, being a Scrutiner and all that, but I like you, Rain. You remind me of the forest in late winter, so still but so ready to burst into life. Thinking of you makes me wonder what the Mora.s.s is like in spring, when the snow's gone and everything is shaded green from new leaves.'

The Scrutiner is gone. He's real now. Open to me. The slice of s.p.a.ce between us seems to get whisked away until we're so close I breathe in the air he's breathed out. I love his smell a” washed hair and warm skin.

*Rain . . .' His voice is husky. His hand brushes nothingness because I've moved away.

*Sorry.'

*No, I'm sorry,' he says. *I shouldn't . . .'

*You should. It's just . . . I can't.'

*You're with someone else?' He looks like he's been slapped.

*No! No one. It's this thing. I can't . . . I don't . . . It's . . . I'm not feeling well. A bit feverish. Maybe I'll see a medic.'

What else can I tell him? That I have visions, hear voices, snap bomb wires with my bare hands . . . that I'm not normal?

He's worried. *You don't look ill. You look . . . nice.'

*I'm fine. Not contagious.' Spreading my arms out with a nervous laugh I suddenly panic about the scratch marks on my arms but, strangely, the skin isn't red, scabbed or even cut any more. Everything is whole and healed.

Out of the blue Reef asks, *You haven't found any more of those Old Nation witch-bane charms, have you?'

*Witch-bane?'

*It's an Old Nation metal used in the knots and bone artefacts you found. They're supposed to keep witches away.'

*But there'sa”'

*. . . no such thing as witches. So we're told.' His voice trails off and he's lost in memories, where I can't follow. They're not happy memories, I can tell that much.

*Was it Haze who made the charms?' I ask.

He nods. *She seems to have had a difficult and sheltered life, skivvying for some old grandmother type. She hadn't ever used a keypad or connected before I found her in the forest. We're keeping an eye on her, don't worry. She's got a healthy fear of Scrutiners.'

*She was acting funny in the bath-house earlier, saying stupid things.'

*Like what?'

*Like . . . oh, nothing. She was a bit crazy really. Said I'd stolen something, but I haven't, I swear, I really haven't.'

Reef smoothes his hair again. *Listen, Rain, all sorts of abnormal things have happened to you recently a” the Mora.s.s, the war, the night-missions. You're under a lot of pressure, and it's going to get worse. It's not fair, I know. I want to help if I can. If there's ever anything you want to tell me, anything at all, no matter how abnormal . . . come to me first, do you understand? You do know you can trust me, don't you?'

I want to. I truly want to. This time when he leans closer I don't pull back, I just set my hand on his sleeve to hold him away. That's when the lights go off. No warning, no blinking. Utter blackout. Not even back-up lo-glo lamps.

Reef doesn't move to connect for updates about the power cut; neither do I.

My hand moves up his arm, just grazing the sleeve, then my fingertips touch his chest. His muscles are hard under the smooth weave of his white tunic. Mesmerised, I spread my fingers so my palm is right over his heart. It beats very quickly. I'm rigid with fear in case we touch skin and I see some nasty death-scene a” Reef blown to pieces by a traption gun, Reef devoured by carnivorous trees, Reef in hospital hooked up to machines, Reef all white-haired and shrivelled at the very end of being old. His heart mustn't stop beating! He must stay alive and beautiful, whatever it takes!

We breathe. We breathe. And we breathe.

*Rain . . . I want to tell you something about me. About how I became a Scrutiner. Something you shouldn't hear from anywhere else . . .'

The door bangs open and in comes Zoya, chomping on a sugar bun.

*Mmn, sorry, I'll just . . .'

Too late.

Reef leaps to his feet and straightens his clothes. Those fingers that should be touching me graze a keypad to connect. He bows to me slightly and leaves, every atom a Scrutiner again.

Sun-gold light streams in through the dorm windows. I count specks of dust hanging in the air and wait for the others to wake up. It's too hot. I shove my covers away and look down at my body in its crumpled grey nights.h.i.+rt. It is my body. It moves when I tell it to. It feels heat, cold, pain, pleasure. So why does it seem to be something apart from me, up to things I can't control? How can I keep walking round in it as if everything's normal?

Pulling on my uniform helps. It reminds me I'm One of Many. Except I'm not. For all it's been fantastic to see the girls again I can't shake the feeling of being one, while they are the many. I don't know if Zoya's said something about finding me with Reef, or about me being rescued by Steen, but I'm sure everyone's looking at me funny, sort of sideways, when they think I won't notice.

A shadow pa.s.ses the dorm window. An aroma wafts by. Zoya unburies her head from a pillow.

*I know that smell!' she says, sitting up and sniffing. *Pip, do you remember when we were little your mama used to buy spring cakes and make us windmill suns?'

*Sounds boring,' grunts Ang as she wakes up too.

*They were brilliant,' answers Mossie sleepily. *I remember them too. They were these sun shapes you put on sticks and they used to go round and round when you ran about with them.'

That makes me think of the memories a” I mean, hallucinations a” I had in the ruined house in Sorrowdale . . . Glimpses of dappled light on paper suns strung up and twirling from tree branches, and Mama singing as she swept winter out into the yard and welcomed full spring in.

What yard?

n.o.body sweeps anything in People's Number 2032 Housing Block in Sea-Ways. Or sings, either, come to think of it. This morning I've got some of Henke's tunes running round my head with unsung words of my own a” Spring is love is life is change is dying is winter is dead is cold is warm is spring is love is life . . .

Lida laughs and stretches. *Na a” we had windmill suns too when I was a kid. A bit Old Nation, I know, but we'd only just got Aura then so we didn't know any better. Most of you will be too young to remember a time when we couldn't connect.'

*I can,' says Ang stubbornly. *Just. I was born before the last Eclipse. My family were one of the first to get fitted for connection.'

Lida's still lost in nostalgia. *We used to have spring cakes too, baked in bird shapes . . .'

Petra leaps up and pads to the door. *Someone here,' she mumbles. She's not a morning person, though she sends a sly kiss Mossie's way as she pa.s.ses.