Part 20 (1/2)

Of course, I knowed there would be some bright posies wreathed round the crosses; but there would be thorns in them. And though the road might be soft and agreeable in spots, yet I knowed well what hard rocks there wuz in the highway of life to stub toes on, even common-sized toes, and it did seem a pity such little mites of feet had got to git stun bruises on 'em.

Poor little creeters! I thought, little do you know what sadness and ecstacy, what grief and joy, gloom and glory lays ahead on you. I wuz sorry for 'em, sorry as a dog.

And then I didn't like the idee of the little helpless creeters bein'

laid out on exhibition, like s.h.i.+rt b.u.t.tons, or hooks and eyes, to be stared on by saint and sinner, by eyes tender or cruel--and voices lovin' and hateful to comment on. I felt that the place for little babies wuz to home in the bedroom. And I thought nothin' would tempt me, if Josiah wuz a infant babe, to place him on exhibition like Hamburg edgin', or bobbinet lace. The very idee wuz repugnant to me.

And I wuz more than willin' when the female asked me if I didn't want to go and see the midgets, and we went.

And you don't know what interestin' little creeters they wuz, mindin'

their own bizness and midgetin' away. Actin' out a little play jest as if a company of dolls had come to life, talkin' and actin'. They seemed to be jest as happy and contented as if they wuz eight or ten feet high and heavy accordin'.

As we left this place the female ketched sight of her husband. He bagoned hautily to her with one finger, and she hastened to jine him.

Such is females. And so true it is that love in either sect will rise up above naggin', or any other kind of pardner meanness.

I went forward alone to see the Head Hunters. And I looked on the brown little folks with a feelin' of pity. How did I know they had ever had good advice? I felt here wuz a n.o.ble chance for a P. A.

So I sez to 'em, ”I've hearn of your doin's, and I want to advise you for your good.” They looked at me real stiddy and I went on, ”You may think you hain't so guilty because you only take folkses heads. But for the lands sakes! did you ever stop to think on't? What can they do without their heads? Of course,” sez I reasonably, ”there is a difference in heads. Some folkses heads hain't got so much sense in 'em as others. I've seen 'em myself that I've thought a good wooden head would be jest as useful. But they are the best they've got, and they're attached to 'em, and they can't git along without 'em. And I always thought you might jest as well take their hull bodies whilst you wuz about it. Don't you see that is so? When it is pinted out to you by a P. A.?”

[Ill.u.s.tration: _”I went forward to see the Head Hunters. I sez to 'em 'I've hearn of your doin's and I want to advise you for your good_.'” (_See page 281_)]

They kinder jabbered over sunthin' to themselves, and I sez as I turned away, ”Now, don't let me hear of any more such doin's! Be contented with the heads you've got, and don't try to git somebody elses that don't belong to you.” Sez I, ”Sunthin' like that, namely stealin' the interior of folkses heads, has been done time and agin among more civilized folks, and it don't work; they git found out.”

I left 'em getisculatin' and jabberin' in that strange lingo and am in hopes they wuz promisin' to quit their Head Huntin', but can't tell for certain.

As I santered along a female asked me if I had seen the Divin' Girls, sez she, ”There is a immense pond of water, and they are the best divers and swimmers in the world.”

But I sez, ”n.o.body can dive into deeper depths than I have doven to-day.”

”The ocean?” sez she.

”Oceans of anxiety,” sez I, ”rivers of grief.” I spoze my dretful emotions showed on my linement, and to git my mind off she sez, ”You ort to see the aligators.”

I'd hearn they had immense tanks of water as long as from our house to Philander Dagget's, holdin' thousands and thousands and thousands of aligators, from them jest born, to them a hundred years old, from them the size of your little finger weighin' a few ounces, to them big as elephants, weighin' two tons.

But I told her I could worry along for years without aligators, I never seemed to hanker for 'em, I wouldn't take 'em as a gift if I had to let 'em have the run of the house. Humbly things! though I spoze they hain't to blame for their looks, or their temperses, which are fierce. And I didn't go into the big animal house, thinkin' I wuz so dog tired that I would go back to Bildad's and come back the next day and see all the animals and birds and the hundreds of other shows I'd had to slight that day, enough to devour days of stiddy sight seein'.

The Siege of Richmond, The Great Divide, Switzerland, Congress of Nations, Indian Village, The Orient, Bathin' Pavilions, j.a.panese Tea Gardens, and etc.

I did want to see the s.h.i.+mpanzee who duz everything but talk. And I thought mebby the reason he wuz so close-mouthed wuz because he hearn so much talkin' he wuz sick on't, as I wuz, and made a sample of himself. But if he did n.o.body follered it, no indeed! Why, you jest spozen a hundred swarms of bees big as giants, with buzzes big accordin', all a swarmin' and a buzzin', and you'll git a little idee of the noise and tumult of Coney Island. But you won't spozen' fur enough, I don't believe. Yes, I laid out to spend considerable time in Dreamland next day. But little did I think of what a day might bring forth, and have got it to think on like them that lose friends, ”Oh why didn't I do thus and so? And now it is too late to wait on 'em, and pay attention to 'em?” But I'm leadin' a melancholy horse up to a mournin' wagon, before the thills are on, so I'll stop eppisodin' and resoom forwards. Jest outside the gate of Dreamland I met Bildad, and he sez, ”Have you found Josiah yet?”

”No,” I sez in despairin' axents, ”I hain't seen hide nor hair on him.”

And he sez, ”Mebby he's gone in bathin'.”

”No,” I sez, ”He took a bath in the wash-tub the night before he come here, and he hain't a man that will wash oftener than he has to.”

Sez he, ”Hundreds of folks take sand baths, lay in the sand and throw it at each other, cover themselves up in it.”