Part 14 (1/2)

IN WHICH JOSIAH STILL WORKS AT HIS PLAN FOR TIRZAH ANN'S COTTAGE, AND DECIDES TO SEND HIS LUMBER C. O. W.

Wall the next evenin', Josiah would make the plan all over, would rub out red marks and put in blue ones, and then rub 'em out with his thumb and fore finger, and then anon, forgittin' himself, he'd rub his forward with the same fingers, till he looked like a wild Injun started for war. And he would sithe heart breakin' sithes, and moisten his hands in his mouth, and roll up his s.h.i.+rt sleeves, and toil and toil till he seemed to git a new plan made after Uncle Nate's idees, as squatty and curous lookin' as I ever see as I glanced at it in a cursory way. And he would work at that till some new man come round with some new idee and then he would (goin' through with all the motions and acts I have depictered) make a new one. And so it went on till finally in the fullness of time Josiah produced a dock.u.ment which he said wuz the finest plan ever drawed up in America.

Sez he, ”I have at last reached perfection.”

”I spoze you'll let me see it now it is finished,” I sez.

”Yes,” sez he, ”I've always been willin' to give you all the chances I could of improvin' and enlargin' your mind, all that a woman's mind is strong enough to bear. I am willin', Samantha, that you should look at it and admire it, now it is too late for you to advocate any changes.”

Sez I coldly, ”If I am goin' to see the plan, bring it on.”

He laid it before me with a hauty linement and stood off a few steps to admire it. It wuz drawed up handsome, with little ornaments in blue and yeller ink runnin' all round the porticos and piazzas, which wuz in red ink. But on a closer perusal I sez to him:

”What room is this where the walls and ceilin' are all ornamented off so?”

”The settin' room,” sez he.

Sez I, ”Where are the winders?”

”The winders?” sez he, lookin' closter at it.

”Yes,” sez I, ”as the ornaments are all fastened on now there hain't no winders and no room for any.”

”By thunder!” sez he, the second time in my life that I ever hearn him use that wicked swear word.

And I sez, ”I should think you would be afraid to be so profane, you a deacon and a grand-father!”

But he paid no attention to my remarks, but sez agin out loud and strong, ”By thunder! I forgot the winders.”

”You profane man you!” sez I, pintin' to another room, ”what room is this?”

Sez he in a lower and more mortified tone, ”It is the parlor.”

Sez I, ”How be you goin' to git out of this room if you wuz built into it? There hain't no door nor no place for one. You couldn't git out of the room unless you climbed up through the chimbly and emerged onto the ruff, and,” sez I, ”there hain't a sign of a stairway to git up into the chambers, nor no chamber doors.”

But all the answer my pardner made wuz to s.n.a.t.c.h up the paper and tear it right through the middle, and sez he, ”There, I hope you're satisfied now! it is all your doin's!”

Sez I, ”How, Josiah?” I spoke with calmness, for a long life pa.s.sed by the side of a man had taught me this great truth, that every man from Adam to Josiah will blame a woman for every mistake and blunder they make, no matter of what name or nater, from bringin' sin into the world, to bustin' off a s.h.i.+rt b.u.t.ton.

So I sez with composure, ”How did I do it, Josiah?”

”Well,” sez he, ”the day I finished that plan you had company, and you and Miss Gowdey and she that wuz Submit Tewksbury kep' up such a confounded clackin' that a man couldn't hear himself think!”

Sez I, ”Josiah, you finished the plan the next day.”

”Well,” sez he, ”I kep' thinkin' of the clack. Now,” sez he, ”I'm goin' to build a house by rote and not by note. I will git me away from wimmen, and when I'm on the lot with the timber before me, my mind will work clear.”

Sez I, ”Do hear to me now; do git a good builder to lay out the plan, one that knows how.”

”Well, I shan't do no such thing!”