Part 18 (2/2)

_02:: Aztec Paddleball ”Ullamalitzli,” a ceremonial ball game played by the Aztecs a few hundred years before the European discovery of America, called for players on two teams to don large stone belts or hip paddles. These paddles were used to bounce a small rubber ball back and forth down a narrow court with inclined stone walls. The players used each others' bodies and the walls as they attempted to maneuver the ball into a small stone ring high above mid-court. The game ended when either side scored a goal. Amazingly enough, the game actually enjoyed long popularity among the native peoples of Mexico and Central America before the Aztecs played it, including the Maya some thousands of years earlier. Of course, the stakes were a little greater when the Aztecs came to play. In their version of the sport, at the end of the game one of the captains was sacrificed to the G.o.ds, giving even more meaning to the phrase ”sore loser.”

_03:: X-treme Cricket As with many aspects of their culture, it's unclear exactly what kinds of games the Vikings played, but one thing is certaintheir games were incredibly brutal and violent, since they were considered training for personal combat. From vague descriptions in Icelandic ”sagas”histories of the Vikings that were pa.s.sed down orally for hundreds of years before finally being transcribed in the 1200sone ball game sounds a bit like an early and very violent version of cricket. The main difference being that most contemporary cricket players can expect to survive to the end of the game. Vikings, on the other hand, weren't always so lucky. ”Egil and Thord played against Skallagrim, who grew tired and they came off better. But that evening after sunset, Egil and Thord began losing. Skallagrim was filled with such strength that he seized Thord and dashed him to the ground so fiercely that he was crushed by the blow and died on the spot.”

_04:: Cheese Rolling Though it's without a doubt one of the most absurd sports on record, the annual cheese-rolling contest at Cooper's Hill in Gloucesters.h.i.+re, England, is also incredibly dangerous. Which is not surprising when you consider how the sport is played: first, a master of ceremonies gives the countdown”One to be ready, two to be steady, three to prepare, four to be off”and then up to 20 contestants chase a seven-pound circular block of cheese down a steep, b.u.mpy hillside, trying to catch it before it gets to the bottom 300 yards below. Four games are played over the course of one day, including one for women. Video footage of past events shows contestants breaking bones and splitting heads open, in addition to spectators suffering frequent injuries as contestants lose their footing and hurl themselves into the crowds. No one is quite sure how cheese-rolling started, though speculations include ancient pagan fertility rituals or harvest festivals.

Touch of Evil Way back in 1984, a j.a.panese show called Za Gaman (”Endurance”) broke open the whole Fear Factor TV genre by rewarding contestants who could withstand the most punishment. Physical and mental tortures included events with hot coals, snakes, cacti, and a wide range of scary implements.

Served Cold: The

5 Best Tales of Revenge Taken by

Scorned Women

Who shot J. R.? A scorned woman. Who gave Mr. Bobbitt a belated bris? A scorned woman. Who bested b.u.t.tafuoco? You guessed it. Those guys could have picked up a thing or two from these poor saps, who quickly learned it's never a good idea to upset a lady.

_01:: ”Mrs. Jack Johnson”

Black heavyweight boxing champion Jack Johnson was known for two things: (1) his conquests in the ring and (2) his conquests of the fairer s.e.x. One of his favorites of the latter was Belle Schreiber, a prost.i.tute at Chicago's glitzy Everleigh brothel. And though the Everleigh was for whites only, Johnson knew how to pull a few strings. In truth, Belle was only one of five white Everleigh girls Johnson saw, but when he married not one but two white women, Belle was crushed. Her high-cla.s.s career ruined by her widely publicized affair with Johnson, Schreiber was broke and strung out on absinthe and drugs. Agreeing to testify for the government in their prosecution of Johnson for violating the 1910 Mann Act (which outlawed taking a woman across state lines for the ”purpose of prost.i.tution or debauchery”) Belle's testimony got him a year in prison and seven years of exile in Canada. She also got her way: The stint put an end to Johnson, ruining his stellar boxing career.

_02:: Boudicca, One Bada.s.s British Babe In the year 60 CE, the Romans were busy bringing Britain under their heel. Since anyone who resisted was crushed, it's no wonder that Boudicca, queen of the Iceni tribe in southeast Britain, decided to cooperate and offered to share her realm with Roman emperor Nero. Instead, Nero had a governor declare the region a slave province, and took Boudicca into custody (did Nero ever do anything right?). She was then flogged publicly while her two daughters were raped by Roman soldiers. Not a particularly clever move. In response, Boudicca raised an army, marched on the Roman city of Colchester, and burned it with thousands of Roman colonists trapped inside. Her army grew until it became unwieldy, and was eventually defeated by a disciplined Roman army. Defiant to the end, Boudicca killed herself on the battlefield rather than surrender.

Profiles in Carnage Vlad the Impaler (14311476) This guy was pretty much as bad as it gets. Most famous, of course, was his penchant for having people impaledskewered alive through the a.n.u.s or v.a.g.i.n.a on giant wooden spikes, to be slowly dragged down by their own weight. In fact, he liked the practice so much he once impaled 30,000 people at one time, for violations of some trade law or other (those of higher social standing got longer spikes). All told, good old Vlad is said to have impaled hundreds of thousands of people. And while his nickname Vlad the Impaler or, in Romanian, Vlad Tepes (”Vlad the Spike”) only came about after death, his behavior certainly could have earned him lots of other colorful monikers.

Vlad the Daddy's Boy: As a boy, Vlad's father, Vlad Dracul (”Vlad the Dragon”), traded him to the Turks as a peace offering. That obviously tweaked the kid a bit. Upon his return, Vlad (called Dracula, or ”the Little Dragon”) invited his father's murderers, the boyars (Romanian n.o.bility) to an Easter dinner. He arrested them all, sending the healthy ones into slavery to build him a palace (which many of them did naked). The rest he had impaled.

Vlad the Utopian: As ruler of Wallachia, Vlad wanted his realm to be a model of order and productivity and tried several innovative tactics to achieve this. He once had all the poor and sick invited to a great banquet. Like a good host, he fed 'em, got 'em drunk, then burned the hall with them all inside. The result: no more poor and sick people. To demonstrate his kingdom's absence of crime, he placed a golden chalice in the middle of a busy square in Tirgoviste and left it overnight. Not surprisingly, no one touched it, knowing what the penalty for thievery was under Vlad's rule (hint: it probably involved a tall spike).

Vlad the Literalist: When Turkish amba.s.sadors said their custom prevented them from removing their hats in his presence, he had their hats nailed to their heads.

Vlad the Renaissance Man and Dietary Innovator: Impaling wasn't Vlad's only pastime. He also enjoyed having people physically disfigured, skinned, dismembered, boiled, eviscerated, or blinded while he watched, and frequently while he ate. His supposed habit of drinking his victims' blood and eating their flesh led to the Dracula vampire stories we all know so well. If you happened to be a guest at one of his impaling dinners and you got queasy or expressed disgust, guess whatyou got impaled.

_03:: Perfect for the Part of Tyrant: Lady Mao Before the Communists took power under Mao Zedong, China had a thriving film industry centered in Shanghai. There, as in Hollywood, thousands of young actresses flocked to the city hoping to become stars. One did become a star, but not in the way she'd originally intended. Her stage name was Lan Ping (”Blue Apple”), and as an actress she never got the big roles. Frustrated by her career and increasingly resentful of the system, Ms. Apple fell in love with and married a young revolutionary named Mao. Of course, her demeanor was to change quickly. As Lady Mao, she became the head of the notorious Gang of Four, who presided over their own purge of ”unacceptable” elements. This reign of terror, ironically called the Cultural Revolution, is one of the most terrifying and chaotic periods in China's history, where freedom of thought and diverse opinions were effectively outlawed. As a former actress, Lady Mao put herself in charge of the film industry, and banned films that she felt did not exemplify good Communist valuesand any film directed by someone who'd pa.s.sed her over. Many were executed for their so-called crimes, and her ruthlessness earned her a nickname: ”the White-Boned Demon.”

_04:: Rhymes with ”Odious”

Salome gets a lot of misdirected criticism for the death of John the Baptist, but the real villain of the story was her mother, Herodias. The Roman wife of Herod Philip, Herodias had come to Palestine with her beautiful daughter, Salome, and married her husband's brother, Herod Antipas. John the Baptist looked none too kindly on this royal scandal and made no secret of his disdain for the arrangement. In an effort to appease his new wife's anger, Herod reluctantly had John imprisoned. You probably know the rest: Herod threw himself a birthday bash, and Salome danced the oh-so-s.e.xy Dance of the Seven Veils. Delighted, drunk, and probably more than a little lecherous, Herod granted her anything she desired. When she asked her mom what she should ask for, Herodias wasted no time in punis.h.i.+ng her least favorite scandalmonger, the poor, locusteating, camel-hair-wearing John the Baptist. She instructed Salome to ask for John's head on a platter, and Herod reluctantly complied. Even worse, in the historian St. Bede's version of the story, Herodias stabbed poor John's tongue repeatedly with a dagger.

_05:: Cochiti Caught Cheatin'

The Cochiti tribe are one of the native Pueblo peoples of New Mexico. Their colorful folklore and mythology includes the tale of a woman who suspected her husband of having an affair with her younger sister. One day, while the husband and younger sister were out on a rabbit hunt together, the wife looked into a bowl of clear water and saw an image of her husband and sister, umm, ”hunting rabbits” under a cedar tree. Repeatedly. She began to cry, sat in the middle of a basket, and sang to the spirits to be turned into a snake. When the two lovers returned, she bit them both, killing them. She then appealed to the tribe's medicine men to be taken somewhere to live in peace. They took her to Gaskunkutcinako (”the Girl's Cave”). This is how the Cochiti explain the tearlike marks on a certain species of snake. And why rabbit hunting is not more popular.

Killing Is My Hobby:

6 Gangsters Who Earned Their Names

What's in a name? And would a thug by any other moniker still be as dangerous? We're guessing a definite ”yes.”

_01:: Vincent ”Mad Dog” Coll (19081932) His first nickname, ”the Mick,” was relatively harmless, since he hailed from Ireland and all. But his second oneit proved to be a keeper. The criminal with an ominous moniker, and a rep to boot, Mad Dog Coll was a top mob enforcer for New York bootlegger Dutch Schultz. And among his many talents, the versatile Coll also specialized in kidnapping and extortion. In fact, he had no qualms about torturing his victims. After falling out with Schultz, Coll touched off a gang war in which at least 20 people were killed. One was a five-year-old boy caught in a crossfire. Coll was charged with the shooting, and though he was acquitted, his days on the street were numbered. Mob bosses put a price on Coll's head, and on February 8, 1932, he was shot more than a dozen times while placing a call in a telephone booth. The Mad Dog had had his day.

_02:: Lester ”Baby Face Nelson” Gillis (19081934) He wanted to be called ”Big George,” but at 5 feet 4 inches and with the visage of a choirboy, Lester Gillis was stuck with ”Baby Face.” No matter. Starting as a pickpocket, Lester put an even better face on things by graduating to enforcer (for Al Capone), bank robber, and psychopathic killer, sometimes shooting people for no reason midheist. By 1934, Baby Face was the FBI's Public Enemy No. 1. But on November 27 of that year, he went out with a bang. A lot of bangs, actually. In a gun battle with two FBI agents, Nelson killed both Feds, but not before they put 17 slugs in him. Amazingly, Nelson walked back to his getaway car and escaped. Of course, the 17 shots ended up doing the trick. Lester's body was found in a ditch the next day.

_03:: Frank ”the Dasher” Abbandando (19101942) Abbandando was one killer who was fast on his feet. A hit man for the New York mob's Murder, Inc., an organization of contract killers, Abbandando may have killed as many as 50 people. In one case, he walked up to a guy and pulled the trigger only to have the gun misfire. With his armed victim in pursuit, Frank ”the Dasher” ran so fast around the block that he came up behind his quarry and coolly shot him in the back. Hence his nickname. But even Abbandando couldn't outrun a stool pigeon inside Murder, Inc. Convicted of a single murder, the speedy criminal was awarded a speedy trial, followed by a speedy execution via electric chair.

_04:: Albert ”Lord High Executioner” Anastasia (19031957) Also dubbed ”the Mad Hatter” for his love of fancy fedoras, the dapper ”Lord High Executioner,” as his name suggests, was not a man to be messed with. In the early 1920s, Anastasia was sentenced to death for killing a fellow longsh.o.r.eman. But he was granted a retrial and the conviction was reversed when four of the witnesses ”disappeared.” And that was just at the start of his career. After helping to kill crime boss Joe Ma.s.seria, Anastasia was made head of Murder, Inc. by new boss Lucky Luciano, and was dubbed the mob's ”Lord High Executioner” by the press. And while the name stuck, his position didn't, as Anastasia eventually fell out with the other bosses. On October 25, 1957, Anastasia was shot six times while getting a haircut. As one New York paper put it the next day: ”He Died in the Chair After All.”

_05:: Tony ”the Ant” Spilotro (19381986) For the 15 years after he first hit Las Vegas in 1971 to the day he died, the mob's chief Vegas enforcer, Tony Spilotro, never spent a day in jail. Not bad for a guy who was implicated in at least 24 murders. In one case, he was even said to have squeezed a victim's head in a vise until his eyes popped out. Ugh. As for ”the Ant” bit, though, li'l Tony hated the nickname, which was a reference to his diminutive stature (he was 5'5”). What he didn't hate, however, was the limelight, and it proved to be his undoing. Tony's bosses in Chicago figured he was getting a little too much press, so they came up with a quick remedy: Tony and his brother were beaten up, then buried alive in an Indiana cornfield. As for the slick lawyer who kept the Ant out of jail all that time? His name was Oscar Goodman, and he was elected Vegas's mayor in 1999, then reelected in 2003.

_06:: Aladena ”Jimmy the Weasel” Fratianno (19141993) ”When the boss tells you to do something,” Fratianno told a reporter in 1987, ”you do it. You don't do it, they kill you.” That's how he explained taking part in 11 murders. Of course, it didn't explain why he became a government witness in 1977 after 32 years in the mob. Fratianno, who got his nickname after speedily fleeing a crime scene as a kid, explained that he began ratting on his colleagues because they had a contract on his life. Fratianno spent 10 years in the Federal Witness Protection Program before being kicked out because he was costing taxpayers too much. Amazingly, he died peacefully in his sleep at the age of 89. Not bad for a weasel.

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