Part 9 (2/2)

They Did a Bad, Bad Thing:

5 So-called Virtuous Figures Who Got Caught with Their Flies Down (or Skirts Up)

This quintet of folks didn't exactly practice what they preached. Please bless them, Father, 'cause they've most certainly sinned.

_01:: Aimee Semple McPherson (18901944) By the mid-1920s, evangelist McPherson was packing them in at her Angelus Temple in Los Angeles, preaching hope and warning against the sinful life. But in 1926, she disappeared while swimming at a local beach. She turned up a month later with a fantastic story about being kidnapped and taken to Mexico. Unfortunately, the evidence said otherwise: It appeared li'l Aimee had been shacked up with a married man. The evangelist was charged with perjury, but she stuck to her story and was eventually acquitted. Her popularity waned after the scandal, but you gotta hand it to her for chutzpah: instead of apologizing to her confused flock, McPherson bobbed her hair, bought some short skirts, and began dancing and drinking in public.

_02:: Jim Bakker (1941) Simple people with a simple dream, Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker started out hosting a children's religious puppet show. By the mid-1970s, however, the fabulous Bakker duo had become the toast of televangelism. They pulled in millions of dollars in contributions to their PTL (Praise the Lord) ministry, and even built a sort of fundamentalist Disneyland called Heritage USA in South Carolina. But Jim had a couple of dirty little secrets. He had paid a former church secretary named Jessica Hahn to keep quiet about a s.e.xual encounter they had in 1980. But when the scandal broke in 1987, questions began to be raised about Bakker's financial dealings. In 1989, he was sentenced to 45 years in prison for fleecing his flock of $158 million. In the end he only served five, and moved forward with his life, eventually opening a new ministry in a restaurant in Branson, Missouri.

_03:: Jimmy Swaggart (1935) Swaggart was one of Jim Bakker's fiercest critics when the Bakker scandal broke, telling an interviewer he himself had never even kissed a woman other than his wife. Maybe not. But the bombastic and fantastically successful television preacherand cousin to rock-and-roll legend Jerry Lee Lewiswas doing something with that prost.i.tute in a cheap New Orleans hotel room in early 1988. Swaggart's tearful, televised confession kept his $12-million-a-year, 10,000-employee religious empire togetheruntil he got caught with his pants down again. That's right, swingin' Jimmy Swaggart was linked to (brace yourself!) another hooker in 1991. A couple of lost lawsuits, an IRS tax lien, and that was the end of the line for Jimmy Swaggart. Well, not exactly. As of mid-2004, he was still hurling rhetorical fire and brimstone on TV, albeit on a much smaller scale.

_04:: Amrit Desai (1932) A onetime art student, Amrit Desai came to the United States from India in 1960. He began giving yoga lessons on the side and ended up training several thousand people, who in turn became yoga instructors around the country. With his followers calling him ”guru dev,” or ”beloved teacher,” one of the things Desai taught at the yoga center he founded in Ma.s.sachusetts in 1972 was that celibacy was spiritually mandatory for unmarried people. Desai even took a vow of celibacy himself in 1974, despite being married with children. No wonder it was something of a shock (perhaps greatest to his wife) when in 1994, the beloved teacher admitted to having affairs with three of his followers. The scandal forced Desai to resign his $150,000-a-year post. He eventually moved to Florida, but kept up the yoga.

_05:: Paul R. Shanley (1931) In the 1970s, Shanley was known as ”the hippie priest”; he was a Roman Catholic clergyman whose specialty was ministering to kids struggling with their s.e.xual ident.i.ty. By 2002, however, Shanley was a central figure in the greatest scandal ever to hit the Catholic Church in the United States. Shanley was accused of molesting more than two dozen boys over a 35-year span. Thrown out of the priesthood, Shanley was still awaiting trial at the end of 2004 on rape and indecent a.s.sault charges. Subsequent investigations into other allegations in the Boston archdiocese resulted in the Church paying $85 million in 2003 to 552 people who claimed to have been abused by priests. It also triggered similar probes, and similar results, in other areas of the country.

6 Presidential Affairs (Cigar Not Included) Contrary to popular belief, Bill Clinton wasn't exactly the first president to get caught in the act. The following are some of the past presidents who helped unite the country in more ways than one.

_01:: The Many Loves of a Founding Father Known for his extreme intellect and skills at diplomacy, Thomas Jefferson is truly one of America's founding fathers, but in more ways than just patriotic. Considered a loving and faithful husband to Martha during their 10 years of marriage before her death, Tom Jefferson was actually a bit of a tomcat. In fact, the Virginia statesman had a notorious penchant for other men's wives. While on a trip to New York in 1768, John Walker asked Tom to look after his wife, and that he did, literally. Later, in 1786, as amba.s.sador to France, Jefferson fell deeply in love with Maria Conway, the wife of portraitist Richard Conway. Legend has it that one day while walking through the countryside, Tom tried to show off for the blus.h.i.+ng (Conway) bride and fell while jumping a fence only to break his wrist. But Tom's best-known relations.h.i.+p was with Sally Hemings, his slave and his late wife's half sister. Their relations.h.i.+p went on for 35 years and provided Jefferson a number of heirs.

_02:: Grover Cleveland, the Honorable Gentleman from New York?

In 1873, a young, politically aspiring bachelor named Grover Cleveland met Maria Halpin, a 35-year-old widow with two children. Maria's looks and personality made her the talk of Buffalo and Grover soon found himself among Halpin's many suitors. Well, more than just a suitor. In 1874, Halpin bore a son and insinuated that old Grover was the pop. Grover, not sure that he actually was the father, and not intending to marry Maria, decided to do the right thing and bear financial responsibility for the child. He also helped Maria get treatment for her alcoholism and actually set her up in her own business. During the 1884 presidential campaign, however, Cleveland's opposition dug up the old story and printed it in the press. Interestingly, a number of clergy members supporting Cleveland did a study of the case and found that after the ”preliminary offense” Cleveland had done the responsible and honorable thing. More important in their minds, he'd s.h.i.+elded many married men in Buffalo (and their families) from public scandal. Oddly enough, because of this, even many of Grover's opponents supported his run for the presidency.

Touch of Evil FDR seemed like a ripe fit for The Jerry Springer Show. Not only did he marry his cousin, but he was involved in multiple affairs, which his wife, Eleanor, countered by having a rumored 30-year lesbian affair with a reporter named Lorena Hickok.

_03:: Warren G., Carrie P., and Nan B.

Far from the run-of the-mill tales you hear of political ambition, Warren G. Harding was a small-town Ohio newspaper editor who ran for senator because he liked the gentlemen's club atmosphere and the light workload of the U.S. Senate. However, his wife, Florence, had bigger plans, and Warren somehow found his way to the presidency in 1920. Not at all equipped to run a nation, Harding preferred to let Congress lead while he golfed and had s.e.x with his mistress in closets throughout the White House. But Harding's philandering began well before his run for president. For 15 years, Warren maintained an active love interest with Carrie Phillips, the wife of his close friend. But when Harding ran for president, the Phillipses threatened to go public. So to secure their silence, the Republican National Party came to the rescue and sent Mr. and Mrs. Phillips on a world trip, plus they threw in $20,000 to boot. But it appears Warren didn't quite learn his lesson. Soon after winning the White House he began a secret relations.h.i.+p with Nan Britton, 30 years his junior. With the Secret Service ordered not to inform the First Lady, Nan was routinely ushered into the White House and many a West Wing closet became their intimate playground.

_04:: FDR and His Wife's Secretary Best known as the president who brought the United States through the Great Depression, Franklin Delano Roosevelt is also known for his longtime affair with Lucy Mercer, his wife, Eleanor's social secretary. In 1918, upon FDR's return from a trip to Europe as a.s.sistant secretary of the Navy, Eleanor confronted Franklin with the love letters she'd found and offered him a divorce. Knowing that a divorce at the time would destroy his political ambitions, Franklin said he'd stop seeing Lucy if Eleanor would agree to remain married. Unfortunately, he didn't keep to his new deal. Lucy continued to visit the White House with regularity, especially when Eleanor was out of town. Years later, the widowed Lucy even became a frequent visitor to the South Carolina plantation where FDR was recuperating from his bad health. In fact, it was Lucy, not Eleanor, who was with FDR on April 12, 1945, when he was struck with the cerebral hemorrhage that killed him.

_05:: Ike and KayDid They or Didn't They?

Many a book, movie, and television show have portrayed the close relations.h.i.+p during World War II between Dwight Eisenhower and his Irish driver, Kay Summersby. As the Supreme Commander of the Allied forces, Ike found himself responsible for millions of lives, but not having anyone he could share his close thoughts and feelings with. With Ike's wife Mamie over 3,000 miles away, the young, witty, and attractive Kay capably filled that role. But once the gossip columns got wind of this, talk of their so-called relations.h.i.+p spread on both sides of the Atlantic. With constant rea.s.surances from Ike, Mamie believed that no s.e.xual liaisons ever occurred between Ike and Kay and at the end of the war Ike returned to the States and Kay remained in England. Their lives moved forward, and Ike was elected president in 1952. As the decades proceeded, though, the private lives of the 1940s and '50s quickly became the public domain of the '60s, and the rumors of the affair again surfaced though no evidence of a s.e.xual relations.h.i.+p was ever found. Years later, before her death, Summersby wrote that her relations.h.i.+p with Ike had been close, flirtatious, and intimate, but had never been consummated.

_06:: JFK and the Other Mistress It's common knowledge that President Kennedy and Marilyn Monroe were an item. Less known, however, is the relations.h.i.+p that John F. had with Judith Campbell Exner, an affair that definitely falls under the category of dangerous liaisons. The extremely beautiful Exner was introduced to Kennedy by Frank Sinatra in 1960. However, Miss Exner was also romantically involved with Sam Giancana, one of the most powerful Mafia bosses of the time. And while their relations.h.i.+p remained secret from the public, it was well known around the White House and by Jackie Kennedy. FBI director J. Edgar Hoover, as he'd done with other presidents, had Exner tailed so that he had information to blackmail Kennedy with. In fact, Exner's affair with JFK remained a secret long after Kennedy's a.s.sa.s.sination, until in 1975 a number of Republican members of the Senate Select Committee to Study Governmental Operations with Respect to Intelligence Activities (aka the Church Committee) leaked the information to the press. With the secret out of the bag, it quickly fueled the fires of conspiracy theorists wondering if the relations.h.i.+p in any way had played into JFK's a.s.sa.s.sination.

Crackers, Corn Flakes, and Chast.i.ty Belts, Oh My!

4 Victorian Tricks for Restraining That Mojo

Ever play the game where someone tells you to picture anything in the world but an elephant? Anything but an elephant. And as you struggle to concentrate, all you can see are visions of Dumbo, Babar, and Snuffleupagus. Well, that's kind of what everyone in the Victorian age did with s.e.x. It's a wonder they didn't produce more kids.

_01:: Fanning the Flames In the Victorian age, an eligible Victor couldn't just cruise up to a Victoria and put the moves on her. No, in the extraordinarily prudish age proper etiquette had to be maintained at all times. A man, for instance, needed to be formally introduced to a woman before he could approach and talk to her. However, that didn't exactly mean that flirting was off-limits at social events. In fact, it was pretty en vogue. And one of the most subtle ways of demonstrating interest or disinterest was through the use of hand fans. In fact, a whole sign language was created around fan movements and placement. If a young lady let her fan rest on her right cheek, it meant she was interested; if she placed it on the left, however, it meant the guy was being pa.s.sed over (subtle, but hars.h.!.+). Similarly, if she moved the fan slowly it was a signal that she was already engaged or married. If she held the fan in front of her face with her right hand, it was a signal for the young man to follow her. Finally, if she moved the fan across her forehead, it meant they were being watched. Whew! With all the mixed signals, restrictions, and rites of courts.h.i.+p, it's amazing anyone found time to procreate.

_02:: A Flaky Approach If in the 19th century Victorians were very concerned about curtailing s.e.xual urges, they were fanatic over masturbation. Dr. John Harvey Kellogg, a lecturer and so-called health ”expert,” proclaimed that masturbation caused a whole series of medical problems including enlarged prostate, kidney and bladder infections, piles, nocturnal emissions, and general exhaustion (guess blindness wasn't added until later). Kellogg actually came up with a list of 39 signs that could be used to spot masturbators running the gamut from sleeplessness to biting one's fingernails to using obscene language. Like other thinkers of his time, Kellogg saw a connection between one's bowels and genitals with the proper diet being the answer. So he created a cold breakfast cereal, which he originally called Granola. Unfortunately, another masturbation expert had already used that name so Kellogg changed the cereal's name to Corn Flakes. However, it should be mentioned that Kellogg never consummated his own marriage, preferring yogurt enemas instead.

Lies Your Mother

Told You

CHASt.i.tY BELTS.

So, about those chast.i.ty belts...did they really exist or are they nothing more than a Victorian myth? Well, the fact is, the jury's still out. Thought to have been invented in Italy during the 14th century, the urban legend of the belts became popular in the rest of Europe. The ant.i.thesis of anything PC, the belts were basically used to maintain s.e.xual control over women by covering the private area and keeping it under lock and key. And while many a suspicious husband may have lauded the invention, there's recent evidence that suggests the chast.i.ty belt may have been more of a Victorian myth than a reality. In 1996, two British historians reported that there was no medical evidence from the time of Chaucer through the Victorian period that chast.i.ty belts existed or were commonly used. Of course, they had the weight of the British Museum of London behind them. Agreeing with the two historians, the museum removed an alleged chast.i.ty belt that had been on exhibit since 1846 *

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