Part 18 (1/2)
”If only _I_ could. But I must. I _must_ believe it if I'm not to go mad. I don't know what I shall do if he doesn't get better. I can't live without him. It's been so perfect, Anne. It can't come to an end like this. It can't happen. It would be too cruel.”
”It would,” Anne said. But she thought: ”It just will happen. It's happening now.”
”Here's Eliot,” she said.
Eliot came down the stairs. Adeline went to him.
”Oh Eliot, what do you think of him?”
Eliot put her off. ”I can't tell you yet.”
”You think he's very bad?”
”Very.”
”But you don't think there isn't any hope?”
”I can't tell yet. There may be. He wants you to go to him. Don't talk much to him. Don't let him talk. And don't, whatever you do, let him move an inch.”
Adeline went upstairs. Anne and Eliot were alone. ”You _can_ tell,” she said. ”You don't think there's any hope.”
”I don't. There's something quite horribly wrong. His temperature's a hundred and three.”
”Is that bad?”
”Very.”
”I do wish Jerry hadn't gone.”
”So do I.”
”It'll be worse for him, Eliot, than for any of us when he knows.”
”I know. But he's always been like that, as long as I can remember. He simply can't stand trouble. It's the only thing he funks. And his funking it wouldn't matter if he'd stand and face it. But he runs away.
He's running away now. Say what you like, it's a sort of cowardice.”
”It's his only fault.”
”I know it is. But it's a pretty serious one, Anne. And he'll have to pay for it. The world's chock full of suffering and all sorts of horrors, and you can't go turning your back to them as Jerrold does without paying for it. Why, he won't face anything that's even a little unpleasant. He won't listen if you try to tell him. He won't read a book that hasn't a happy ending. He won't go to a play that isn't a comedy...
It's an att.i.tude I can't understand. I don't like horrors any more than he does; but when I hear about them I want to go straight where they are and do something to stop them. That's what I chose my profession for.”
”I know. Because you're so sorry. So sorry. But Jerry's sorry too. So sorry that he can't bear it.”
”But he's got to bear it. There it is and he's got to take it. He's only making things worse for himself by holding out and refusing. Jerrold will never be any good till he _has_ taken it. Till he's suffered d.a.m.nably.”
”I don't want him to suffer. I don't want it. I can't bear him to bear it.”
”He must. He's got to.”
”I'd do anything to save him. But I can't.”