Part 6 (1/2)

I long to ress every day, each minute seems precious, and I constantly tre forith all th, for I have none, but with all which the Lord gives h that you pray for me!

_Sept 18th_--I am all the time so nervous that life would be insupportable if I had not the comfort of comforts to rejoice in I often think mother would not trustan effort I have tothem all to pieces When I a ree of just such a state as this which induces the suicide to put an end to his existence

It was never so bad withas this? To-night, for instance,till at last it seeh to carry away the house Then every object of which I thought enlarged in proportion When this goes off the sense of the contraction is equally singular My head felt about the size of a pin's head; our church and everybody in it appeared about the bigness of a cup, etc These strange sensations terular and particularly pleasant I can not describe it--it is a sense of smoothness and a little of dizziness If you never had such feelings this will be all nonsense to you, but if you have and can explain them to me, why I shall be indeed thankful I have been subject to them ever since I can remember I never met with a physician yet who see whether I got well or not All they do is to roll up their eyes and shake their heads and say, ”Oh!”As to the wedding, we had a regular fuss, so that I hardly knehether I was in the body or out of it The Professor was here only two days He is very eminently holy, his friends say, and from what I saw of him, I should think it true This was the point which interested sister in hi was over e involves one union, but _many separations_”

_Oct 17th_--We had a most precious sermon this afternoon from the Baptist ed to have you hear the Saviour thus dwelt upon I did not kno full the Apostles were of His praise--how constantly they dwelt upon Hihtful view Oh, --our first and our last! I do love to hear Him thus honored and adored Let us, dear cousin, look at our Saviour ht to come between our hearts and our God Speak tome onward, and if you do not see the fruits of your faithfulness here,

_Oct 24th_--I ot backso earnest about having iven ood purpose I do not know exactly how to discriestions of Satan and those of my own heart, but for a week past, even whilefollowedif His strict requirerieved ht could find its way into my mind ”I have prayed for thee that thy faith fail not” is raciously did Jesus provide a separate consolation for each difficulty which He foresaw could meet His disciples on their way

_Nov 8th_--Mother has been sick The doctor feared inflammation of the brain; but she is better now I have had ood one

Whenever I think of God's wonderful, _wonderful_ goodness to me and of my own sinfulness, I want to find a place low at the foot of the cross where IHis have been le fiercely every hour of my life For instance, my desire to be rief Soo, a person, who probably did not know this, told me that I was remarkably lovable and that everybody said so

I was so foolish, so wicked, as to be ive me after-hours of bitter sorrow

Sorow prouder every day, and I wanted to ask ht perhaps God is showing ainst this, His enemy and mine I do not believe anybody else has such an evil nature as I But let us never rest till we are satisfied with being counted as nothing, that our Saviourfor in heaven, to be thus self-forgetful in love to Christ How strange that we do not now supre to live with those who praise Hi to have every Christian hom I meet speak of Him with love and exalt Him [1]

_Nov 12th_--I have been very unwell and low-spirited The cause of this, folks see mother's sickness

To tell the truth, I was so anxious about her that I did not try to save th at all, and excitement kept ue till all was over and the reaction came, when I just went into a dead-and-alive state and had the ”blues”

outrageously It see but foldhome this winter I would like you to see this letter of hers She is as nearly a perfectionist now as your father is She begs e of the truth And so I have for a year and a half, and this is what I learn thereby: ”The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked”--at least such I find mine to be To be sure, that I am not perfect is no proof that I may not become so; however, I feel most sympathy with those who, like Martyn, Brainerd, and h Yet her rereat confusion at first and I knew not what to do; thereupon I went at once with my difficulties to the Lord and tried to _seek the truth_, whatever it ht be, from Him It seems to s are essential, He will not withhold them from me Truly, if there is a royal road to holiness, and if in one moment of time sin may be crushed and forever slain, I of all others should know it; for at present the way is thronged with difficulties [2] It see At the sa to have e of my Redeemer, that it shall ever flow in spontaneous adoration Such a Saviour! I am pained to the very depths of my soul because I love Him so little If I am only purified and made entirely the Lord's, let Hi process ever so painful

”When the shore is won at last, Who will count the billows past?”

_Dec 16th_--Do you re his hen near the close of his life? That re to me There is another place where he wishes he had known this blessedness twenty years before [3]

_Dec 18th_--”I am very, very happy; and yet it is hardly a happiness which I can describe You knohat it is to rejoice in the sweet consciousness that there is a Saviour--a near and a present Saviour; and thus arateful to His with s which I can only try to express to Him Oh, how excellent above all treasures does He now appear! One ht than years spent in intercourse with any earthly friend

I could not but own to-night that God can ht eye Lord, ive Thee all

_Dec 22d_--”As to my Italian and Tasso, I am ashamed to tell you ho I have been Between co I haveand study Still, I feel that I live a life of too much ease I should love to spend the rest of my existence in the actual service of the Lord, without a question as to its ease and co for his loose hold on earthly things I do not kno to attain to such a spirit Is it by prayer alone and the consequent sense of the worth of Divine things that this deadness to the world is to be gained--or, by giving up, casting away the treasures which withdraw the heart or have a tendency to withdraw it fro question to ht of living apart from God is more dreadful than any affliction I can think of

Here are soes from two leaves of her journal which escaped the flames They touch upon another side of her life at this period

_Dece-circle this afternoon and had such a stupid tiossip and nonsense was talked to make one sick, and I'm sure it wasn't the fault of my head that my hair didn't stand on end Now es me into company and exhortsme become as silly as the rest of 'e with her, but heaven forbid I should find things in books worse than things out of theirls are the silly creatures they make themselves appear They want an aiood and excellent which, I am sure, lies hidden in their nature, will develop itself at once When the young s, I rushed out and came home I can't and won't talk nonsense and flirt with those boys! Oh, what is it I do want? Somebody who feels as I feel and thinks as I think; but where shall I find the somebody?

_7th_--”Frolicked with G, rushed up stairs with a glass-laainst the door, sot the oil onthe wall First consequence, a horrible ss, and wonderings what s, ironings; Fourth, a story for the Co alone that, I've been a very good girl to-day; studied, made a call, went to see H R with books, cakes, apples, and what's ue ith I discoursed to her

_14th_--”Busy all day Carried a basket full of ”wittles” to old Ma'ae from the poor woman, wished I was as near heaven as she seeood girl and didn't have the blues once

_20th_--”Spent most of the afternoon with Lucy, who is sick She held my hand in hers and kissed it over and over, and expressed so ratitude and interest in the Sunday-school that I felt asha, studied in the afternoon, got into a frolic, and went out after dark with G to shovel snow, and then paddled down to L----'s with a Christache, neckache, and all-overache, which is just good enough for uess anybody, who had seen ht so!

_25th, Saturday_--Got up early and ran down to Sally Johnson's with a big pudding, consequence whereof a horrible pain in s to good old grannies