Part 6 (1/2)
O new Father, what a Pleasure must all these things be for you; and especially, because now you begin at the Bed-side to eat and drink again with your Child-bed wife; and you begin also to perceive that if all things advance as they hitherto have done, you may then again in few daies make fresh a.s.saults of hugging and embracing her.
This is that jolly month or six weeks that all women talk so pleasantly of; because it learns them alwaies such a curious remembrance. And really it is almost impossible that the husband at these rates can grow lean with it; because he as well as his wife sits to be cram'd up too: And he can now with his dearest daily contrive and practice what the Nurse shall make ready, that his Child-bed wife may eat with a better appet.i.te, and recover new strength again. I would therefore advise the carefull Nurse as a friend, that she should be sure to provide her self with the _Compleat Cook_, that she might be the more ready to help the Child-bed woman to think upon what she hath a mind to have made ready, for her brains are but very weak yet; so that she cannot so quickly and easily remember at first what is pleasantest and wholesomest to be eaten.
O thrice happy new Father that have gotten such a prudent diligent and carefull Nurse for your Child-bed wife! what great Pleasure is this!
And behold, by this delicate eating and drinking, your Dearest begins from day to day to grow stronger and stronger; insomuch that she begins to throw the Pillow at you, to spur you up to be desirous of coming to bed to her: Yea, she promiseth you, that before she is out of Child-bed, she will make you possessor of another princ.i.p.al and main Pleasure.
[Ill.u.s.tration: Folio 141. _Published by the Navarre Society, London._]
THE NINTH PLEASURE.
_Of the Gossips Feast._
Now, O new Father, you have had the possession of eight pleasures, which undoubtedly have tickled you to some purpose.
But now there is a new one approaching, that will be as full of so many joyfull delights and wis.h.i.+ngs of prosperity, as ever the first and most famous hath been; for it seems as if your Child-bed wife begins to be a weary of this lazy liquorish life, and to leave off her grunting and groaning; because she now longs to be gadding up and down the street, or standing at the dore with her Babe in her arms.
But before this can be done, you know that there ought to be a Gossips Feast kept. To this end the Nurse must be sent abroad; and a serious Counsel held, as if the Parliament of women were a.s.sembled, to consult who shall be invited, and who not. 's Wounds, what a list of relations and strange acquaintance are here sum'd up in a company together, to be invited to the Gossipping Feast. 'Tis impossible, the Nurse can ever do this all in one day; because she would not willingly miss any of them, out of the earnest hopes she hath of the Presents she expects. And then also she must give an account to every one of them that are invited of the state and condition of the Child-bed woman and her Child. I wonder that there is no body that sollicites to have the Office of an Inviter to all such sort of Gossippings, but the women understand these affairs and the ordering of such sort of invitations much better than any one else, therefore 'tis not necessary.
O, new Father, what a sweet Delight and Pleasure you must needs have in reviewing this great List of your Gossips! What multiplicities of wishes of joy and prosperity have you to expect! But if I were to be your Counsellor, I a.s.sure you I would order the Nurse to desire Doctor _Toss-bowl_, my Lord _Drinkfirst_ and then the other Gentlemen, to wit, Masters _Cleardrinker, Dryliver, Spillnot, Sup-up, Seldom-sober_, and _s.h.i.+ft-gut_, to fetch home their Wives in good time from the Gossipping; because you have other mens Wives, who are your near relations, that you must entertain longer; and they otherwise will never think of rising or going home though it were midnight: And by this means you will have a fit opportunity, with a full Bowl and a Pipe, to wash away that rammish sent of a Child-bed out of your brains; and also after many hopes, once arrive to the height of receiving your full delight and pleasure. And then you may e'en clap it all together upon the account of a Lying-in.
Now Nurse, here you have work by whole hand-fulls: for you shall no sooner have made an end of your other errands, but immediately there's so much tricking and p.r.i.c.king of all things up in neat order against the coming of the sharp-sighted guests; that it's a terror to think on't. Their eys will fly into every nook and corner; nay the very house of Office must be extraordinary neat and clean; for Mistris _Foul-a.r.s.e_, Gossip _Order-all_, and Goody _Dirty-b.u.t.tocks_, will be peeping into every crevise and cranny: And because they will do it forsooth, according to their fas.h.i.+on, they make a shew as if they must go to the necessary Chamber, with a Letter to _Gravesend_, only to take an inspection whether it be as cleanly there as it is upon the Gossipping Chamber where all the Guests are. And 'tis a wonder if they do not look into the Seat, to see whether there be no Spyders webs spun in it; or whether the Goldfinders Merchandize be of a good colour, equal-size and thickness.
But come let's pa.s.s all this by: for in the middle of these inc.u.mbrances, the time will not only fly away; but we shall, at the hour appointed, be surprized by our Guests. Uds life, how busie the Wet and Dry-Nurses are with dressing the Babe neatly. Now Father, look once upon your Child! O pretty thing! O sweet-fac'd dainty darling! 'tis Father's own picture! Well what would not one undergo to be the Mother of so fine an Angel! And who can or dare doubt any thing of it, for the Mother loves it, and the Father beleeves it, nay and all the friends that come tumbling in one upon another to-day, do confirm it: For behold, every one looks earnestly at the Babe; and doth not a little commend his prettiness. One saith it is as like the Father (alias Daddy) as one drop of Water is like another. Another, that the upper part of the face, forehead, eys and nose incline very much to be like the mother; but downwards it is every bit the Father.
And who forsooth should not beleeve it, if it be a son. Every one is in an admiration. O me, what a pretty sweet Infant! Nurse, you have drest it up most curiously! And truly there's no cost spar'd for the having very rich laces.
Thus they ly and tamper upon this first string, till the Child-bed woman begins to enter upon the relating what great pain in travell she had to fetch this Child out of the Parsly-bed, what a difference there was between her, and others of her acquaintance, &c. Thereout every one hath so much matter, as would make a long-winded sermon; and the conclusion generally is the relating how and when the good man crept to bed to her again; and how such a one had been a fortnight with Child, before she went to receive her churching. Where upon another comes with a full-mouth'd confession, that her husband was not half so hot.
Do but tarry a little yet, till the Gossipping-bowl hath gone once or twice more about with old Hock; then you'l hear these Parrots tell you other sorts of tales.
In the mean while, do but see the husband, poor _Nicholas None-eys_ how he rejoyces, that his wife is so reasonable strong again; and that she is so neatly trickt up sitting in state in the best furnished room, by the bed-side! O what a pleasure this is! O how he treats all the women with delicate Marget Ale, and Sack and Sugar! [unless he begin to bethink himself, and for respects sake or frugality, sets some bottles aside; because he perceives it to be nothing else but a vast expence and womens Apish tricks]. How busie he is in carving for them of his Roast-beef, Capons, Turkey-py, Neats-tongue, or some other savoury bit to make their mouths relish their liquor the better; and then stand fast Bowls and gla.s.ses for they resolve not to flinch from it. And indeed why should he not? for he is now a whole estate richer then he was before; and what need he care for it then.
Well behold here! Now the womens mouths are a beginning to be first a little warm; and none of them all can be silent, though they should speak of their own Commodities.
O how happy would you be, O Goodman _Cully_, if you had but as many ears as _Argus_ had eys, that you might hear every where, whilest you are carving and serving of them, what pretty sweet stories and discourses, these sorts of Parrats will be talking of? For Mistris _Sharp-set_ relates, what a pleasure she oft times received in it, to keep School-time with her husband at noons, as soon as they had feasted their carka.s.ses well: but that conning of her lesson had caused her severall times to make a journy to the Parsly-bed.
At this Mistris _Sincere_ wonders extreamly; saying how strangely these things happen to one woman more then another. In our Parish there is a married woman brought to bed, but she was so miserably handled by the Midwife, that no tongue can express it. Insomuch that Master _Peepin_ the Man Midwife, was fain to be fetcht, to a.s.sist with his Instrument; it was a very great wonder that the woman ever escaped it; which is most lamentable indeed to be related; and too sad indeed to be placed by me among the Pleasures of Marriage.
In the mean time, at the t'other end of the Chamber, Mistris _Fairtail_ relates a pretty story how their Maid was very curiously st.i.tcht up by their Tailor; and how she was every foot running thither, then to have a hole finely drawn that she had torn in her Petti-coat, another while to have her Bodice made a little wider, and then again to have her stockins soled.
It is no wonder, (saith Mistres _Paleface_) that this should happen to a poor innocent servant Maid; there was my husbands first wives niece M^{rs}. _Young-rose_ that modest Virgin, she kept such a close conversation & daily communication with Master _Scure_, that at last there appeared a little _Cupid_ with little ears, and short hair.
Nay then (saith Mistris _Lookabout_) those two sisters need not twit one another in the teeth with it; for the t'other kept such a sweet compliance and converse with the Spanish Fruiterer, yonder at the corner-house, where she did eat so many China Oranges, and other watrish fruits, that they caused her to get an extraordinary swelling under her stomack; which Doctor _Stultus_ judged to proceed from some obstructions, wind, and other watrish humours; but it did not continue so long before her Mother, beginning better to apprehend the nature of her distemper, sent her away to her Country-house at Hackney.
Mistris _Lookabout_ was going to begin again; but they heard such rapping and knocking at the dore, that one of them said I beleeve there are our husbands; and indeed she guest very well. This augmented their mirth mightily. And especially of the Nurse; for now she was sure that, if the good Cully her Master treated his Gossips n.o.bly and liberally, her presents would be doubled. But Nurse do not cheat your self, for fear it might happen otherwise; I know once a merry boon Companion, who being at a Gossipping Feast, called the Nurse alone to him; and saies to her, Nurse, I'l swear you are very vigilant and take a great deal of pains, in serving both us and our wives with all things, and also filling of us full gla.s.ses and bowls: hark hither, my wife is a little covetous, and oft-times so narrow-soul'd that she doth not keep her credit where she ought to do, so that I beleeve her gift will not be very great, and truly because you are such a good body, see there, that's for you, put it some where privately away; & there-with thrusts her an indifferent great bra.s.s Counter, wrapt up in a paper, into her hand. The Nurse certainly beleeving this to be at the least a Crown piece, thanks him very demurely, and puts it in her Pocket; never opening it till they were every one of them gone, but then she saw that she was basely cheated. But Nurse you are warned now by this, another time you may look better to't. Yet methinks I'd fill about l.u.s.tily, it is the good man of the house his wine; and when the Wine begins to surge crown-high; the men are much more generous than before.
And verily methinks I have a mind to take my portion of it also; but yet not so as the Nurse did at my Neeces, who had toss'd up her bowls so bravely upon the good health of the Child-bed woman her Mistriss, that when she was going to swathe and feed the Child, instead of putting the spoon into the mouth, she thrust it under the chin, & sometimes against the breast; and then when she was about swathing of it; as it is commonly the custom to lay a wollen blanket and linnen bed together, she wrapt the poor Infant with its little naked body only in the blanket alone.